The title of this recording is "Red - Rainbow Touchstones". It is described as: Stephen talks about growing up and dealing with depression. It was recorded in Auckland, Aotearoa New Zealand on the 25th April 2010. Stephen Denekamp is being interviewed by Gareth Watkins.  Their names are spelt correctly but may appear incorrectly spelt later in the document. The duration of the recording is 4 minutes. A list of correctly spelt content keywords and tags can be found at the end of this document. A brief description of the recording is: In this digital story Stephen talks about growing up and dealing with depression. The content in the recording covers the 1990s decade. A brief summary of the recording is: In the recorded piece titled "Red - Rainbow Touchstones", narrated by Stephen Denekamp and recorded in Auckland, New Zealand, on April 25, 2010, the storyteller shares a poignant personal journey through the landscape of self-discovery, internalized homophobia, and the harsh realities of depression. Set against the backdrop of the 1990s, the narrative offers deep insights into the struggles faced by an individual reconciling their sexual identity within the confinements of a conservative, Christian upbringing. The individual grew up as the only boy among siblings, embedded within a family and community where attending church and adhering to its values was the norm. Within this environment, any references to homosexuality in media were met with disapproval, which left a lasting impression and inadvertently seeded a growing sense of internal conflict. This discord crystallized at the age of thirteen when the individual recognized their own sexual orientation but also owned a profound desire to deny this self-awareness due to its incongruence with their familial and societal values. The narrator details the onset of teenage years marked by extreme self-awareness and attempts to suppress any outward signs of their homosexuality. Despite the support of friends, the internalized stigma and self-loathing began to take a toll, leading to withdrawal from interests and a general sense of despair. The feelings of hatred initially targeted at just one aspect of their existence soon enveloped their entire being, eventually spiraling into self-harm and suicidal ideation - a private torment that was not a consequence of external bullying but rather an internal battle with an unrelenting inner voice of condemnation. A particularly vivid account describes the individual offering a school presentation about the tribulations of teenage life, during which they engaged in self-harm as an expression of inner torment. The turning point came when, out of despondency, the individual veered away from usual superficial online conversations to confide in someone from school, who suggested sharing these burdens with close friends and a school counselor. This marked the first step towards seeking external support. The journey to recovery was painstakingly slow. Interventions included the guidance of a psychiatrist and the administration of antidepressants, which provided the stability necessary to begin healing. The narrative underscores the life-altering revelation that their experiences with depression were not a defining trait but rather a condition one endures and can seek help to overcome. An apex moment was the individual's decision to come out to their parents, described as the most nerve-wracking yet ultimately liberating episode in their life. It signified a critical shift towards authenticity and acceptance, and though the battle with negative thoughts persisted, the individual highlights the importance of conversation, education, and reaching out for help as essential steps towards recovery. In closing, the recording serves as both a personal testament and a beacon of hope, conveying the imperative message: depression is not an identity, but a transient and treatable aspect of one's life - to be addressed and ameliorated through support and open dialogue. The full transcription of the recording begins:  It was when I was alone at night in my room. I would sleep on the floor because I felt I didn’t deserve to sleep in the bed. I would cry myself to sleep, I didn’t want anyone else to see that side of me. I grew up in Auckland in a very Christian family. I was the oldest, the only boy with three younger sisters. We all went to church regularly and I guess I just absorbed those values. I remember when something gay came up on TV I’d see that negative look on mums face. I guess unconsciously I began picking up all those messages. At school I had a group of geeky friends who were really supportive, but would also join in the gay jokes. And then at thirteen it suddenly clicked. It’s when I put this word ‘gay’ together with these feelings I was having. The thing was, I knew exactly 100% who I was sexually at that point in time and I didn’t want to be it. I guess it started out as an annoyance and then started to grow to hatred. I began to hate the fact that I was gay – ‘if I can just push away this part of me it’ll be ok’. I became really self-conscious. I was always over thinking everything - the way I was moving and what I was doing. I became very good at masking what I was feeling. At the same time I was using Internet chat. I didn’t know any gays or lesbians in person, but online I started searching and asking questions from people who were going through the same thing. I guess I had many different lives I was living. So at around sixteen it all just started spilling over, that feeling ‘bad’ just got stronger and stronger. I began to withdraw. I lost interest in things - music then food. Life started to become very grey. Rather than just hating this ‘gay’ part of myself I start hating all of myself. I thought that I was evil and disgusting and shouldn’t be here. Negative self-talk was with me constantly, I was punishing myself. But it was purely coming from inside. I hadn’t been teased or bullied. This was all self-inflicted. Then everything went up a notch and I started having dreams about dying and killing myself. I started self-harming. It was easier to have physical pain than to deal with the pain in my head. Suddenly a shift in my world. One day I was talking online to a person from school. He asked the usual question “how’s it going” and instead of replying with my usual reply I said “I’m feeling crap”. And he asked “what’s going on?” He encouraged me to tell my close friends and to see the school guidance counsellor. But even though I was now talking to people I was getting worse. Having hated myself for so many years the only feeling I felt was ‘bad’. I remember doing a speech at school. I picked the topic ‘teenagers never had it better’, but because of my state of mind I made it ‘Teenagers never had it worse’. I did this speech in front of my class and during it I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut myself. Now everything in my life was about getting me out of this place that I was in. My dad took me to a psychiatrist. We talked and she gave me a book on depression - one of the most amazing books ever. I was reading about everything I was experiencing. I began to recognize that this was the depression and not ‘me’. I wanted to change but it was still too much effort. It felt easier to stay hating myself and being suicidal so I was put on anti-depressants. They stopped me going lower, they stabilised me and actually lifted me up a bit so that I could try and get through this. And part of that was coming out to my parents. That was the most nervous moment of my life - but it was the biggest relief. Depression does go away, for me it’s taken about eight years. I started feeling better after the psychiatrist, but the negative thoughts kept coming back. Sometimes you need to ask for help. Talking about it means you’re beginning to deal with it. Depression is not who you are, but something you are experiencing. Talk about it and get help from someone you trust - a friend or counsellor. Find out as much information as you can and realize that you can absolutely change your feelings about who you are. The full transcription of the recording ends. A list of keywords/tags describing the recording follow. These tags contain the correct spellings of names and places which may have been incorrectly spelt earlier in the document. The tags are seperated by a semi-colon: 1990s ; Auckland ; Mental Health Foundation ; People ; Rainbow Touchstones ; Stephen Denekamp ; books ; change ; church ; class ; coming out ; depression ; face ; family ; feelings ; food ; friends ; gay ; guidance ; hate ; health ; internet ; mental health ; music ; pain ; parents ; physical pain ; psychiatrist ; rainbow ; reading ; school ; sleep ; speech ; time ; transcript online ; trust ; values ; video online. The original recording can be heard at this website https://www.pridenz.com/rainbow_touchstones_red.html. The master recording is also archived at the Alexander Turnbull Library in Wellington, New Zealand.  For more details visit their website https://tiaki.natlib.govt.nz/#details=ecatalogue.1089853. Stephen Denekamp also features audibly in the following recordings: "Stephen Denekamp profile". Please note that this document may contain errors or omissions - you should always refer back to the original recording to confirm content.