The title of this recording is "Horowai - Q12". It is described as: Horowai talks about being young and gay in 2012. It was recorded in Manawatū, Manawatu, Aotearoa New Zealand on the 19th September 2012. The duration of the recording is 20 minutes, but this may not reflect the actual length of the event. A list of correctly spelt content keywords and tags can be found at the end of this document. A brief description of the recording is: In this podcast Horowai talks about being young and gay in 2012. The content in the recording covers the 2010s decade. A brief summary of the recording is: In the podcast "Horowai - Q12," recorded in Manawatū, New Zealand, a young individual by the name of Horowai details their experiences with growing up gay in the 2010s. Horowai, a Māori, delves into their personal life, revealing a multifaceted identity shaped by their sexuality, cultural background, and creative passions. Horowai speaks candidly about their unique personality, mentioning the doctor's characterization of them as 'gregarious,' although they perceive themself as shy. As a form of self-expression, Horowai engages in musical theater and writing, expressing a particular joy in planning stories. They recall a recent performance of "Little Shop of Horrors" and discuss their love for playing piano and singing, highlighting involvement in the arts as a significant aspect of their life. Addressing their gender identity and sexuality more directly, Horowai labels themself as male and gay, providing a touching account of a personal journey that began with childhood attraction to males. Despite initial attempts to reject this identity, including an experience that resulted in a pregnancy during their early teens, Horowai eventually embraces their true self. They reflect on the duality of emotions experienced when they were almost a parent at a young age, illustrating the complexities of navigating personal desires versus societal expectations. Upon discussing coming out, Horowai mentions initially identifying as bisexual as a step towards full acceptance of being gay. They recount the bewildering and sometimes humorous interactions with friends during this period and the mixed reactions that ranged from support to awkwardness. The conversation shifts to social support, where family acceptance plays a pivotal role, with Horowai highlighting a touching revelation from their parents who affirmed unconditional love regardless of their sexuality. Escaping the metaphorical closet wasn't the only struggle; Horowai also talks about coping with isolation and a lack of visible gay role models in Dannevirke. This absence of community connections led to feelings of loneliness and a slow and cautious approach to engaging with the LGBTQ+ community, mainly through online spaces including a website for Rainbow Youth and a group for gay teens on Facebook. Relationships and romantic experiences are another focal point of the discussion. Horowai admits to several relationships and muses over the definitions of flings, quick connections, and more profound relationships. They recall a particularly upsetting experience with a former partner, shedding light on the emotional challenges LGBTQ+ youth may face when seeking companionship and love. Lastly, Horowai does not shy away from discussing the harsher realities of being openly gay, such as encountering abusive behaviors and homophobic bullying, sharing a painful episode of being attacked by senior boys after school. Throughout the conversation, Horowai reveals a powerful narrative of struggle, self-discovery, and perseverance, navigating through a society learning to accept diverse sexual orientations within a cultural context. The full transcription of the recording begins:  Hello. How are you today? I am fantastic. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself? I am a Maori boy from Danny and I am gay. It's quite quite nice. I must say, I like it. Do you Do you listen to that song? I'm a boy. Oh, yeah, Yeah, they're bloody awesome. And I watch them on and he got talent, and I'm just like, Damn, they're still sexy. Damn, but can you tell us a little bit more about yourself? Um, what do you want to know? My personality? Um, I don't know. I got told by my doctor that I have a very gregarious personality. Apparently, uh, it took me Google to know what that means. And apparently it means they were going. I don't think I'm very outgoing. I'm a pretty shy person. I'm just I just talk. It does not mean I'm outgoing. I'm pretty shy. So I just keep going, and then I end up babbling, and it's what I'm doing right now. So yeah, next thing you know, we'll be doing the whole Swedish shift again. No Swedish shit. Please. Although no Swedish shit. Stop right now, OK? Anything else you want to know? Um, likes and hobbies. Oh, likes and hobbies. Oh, I like to play on the piano and sing, and I like to do musical theatre. Um, I was performing just this weekend. The little shop of horrors. That was fun. Well, I've only ever done Danny Big production. Wow, that's a big deal, but yeah, that's that's fun. Lights, camera action. And I also like to, um, write. I like writing a lot, but I like planning stories more than I actually like writing things because, like, yeah, you got the story in my head. Yeah. People that didn't know what it is as you do. Yeah, Pretty much. So. Uh, what is your sex? Um um I was about to say good, but it's a horrible joke. Um, I'm a male. I don't have to think about that. I'm a male. Yes. What is your gender identity? What is your sexuality? Male Gay. I'm gay. What is your cultural identity? I'm And how do you express yourself in feminine masculine camp twink a cup bear. Shit. Um Oh, shit. OK, um I don't know. It's I guess I'm brown. I sometimes fit the stereotype very well. like, right now, I'm not wearing any socks, which is horrible, but I should be wearing socks. Yeah, Yeah. So feminine, masculine, feminine. Probably more likely. That's what my boyfriend calls me. He just goes. You are the girl, and I'm like, stop putting your gender identity in me. Um, OK, so when did you realise that you were attracted to males? Oh, my Lord. Oh, my Lord. Uh, since I was a child, um, experimenting with the I guess that's that's bad, Like four year old, like four year olds. You know, kissing and shit. This is what I used to do. And, um Ah, cousin and, um, one older male rape. That was dumb. Didn't like that. Uh, but yeah, since I was really little. And from then on, I've always had damage in my head of a male on top of me. So damage damage. So you never really denied your six year old who didn't you? Oh, no, I definitely denied my sexuality. That was Yeah, I definitely did. That was a good part of me where I was just like fuck no, I don't want to be gay. No, no, no. I don't want to be gay at all until you said sore breast for the first time. No, I got a good pregnant. What? Yeah, I got a girl pregnant. That was fantastic timing when I was, how old was I? 14 at the time. You got a I got a girl pregnant. Apparently it runs in my family. He got ovary seeking sperm, and my Penis was inside a girl and stuff happened. And then she got pregnant, and I was like, Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Fuck! Because it had to just happen. Just as I bloody decided to go. I am fully gay. There's no use denying it now. No use, but yeah, I'm shocked. I actually knew this about You're welcome. Wow. It's not something I like talking about. So, what happened to her? Um, well, we went to doctors and stuff and, like, yeah, Yeah, it's all great. And I'm a 14 year old dad. Awesome. And then she miscarried, and I was just like, yeah, she miscarried. But there was still that sense of disappointment because I was just, like, fuck. I wanted to be a dad. Still too young to be a dad, though, but I know in the future. I want kids. So that helped me with that one. But a good dad. You'll probably be one day. Oh, I'll be a horrible father. I have no patience for Children. I will be the like the I'm here, Have some money. Go away. Type of person. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wow. I've never actually heard a story like that before. Ok, Ok, um so when did you come out of the closet? Oh, shit. Um I came out of the closet I. I opened the door of the closet and said, I'm bisexual because I was just, like, gonna deny the fact that I'm gay completely. Just like because I honestly didn't want to be gay at all. And I just didn't want to be gay. No, but I'm happy now, But back in the day, some fucking shit. You came out as first and I only told my friends at the point of time and at school I was always a kid. That was Oh, you're the boy that likes other boys. Yes, but I like girls too. I don't like girls. I girls too, with wiggly fingers. What? And yeah, this is just location. Pretty much. When did you, um, came out as gay? Oh, pretty much after my girlfriend miscarried. He was like, Yeah, congratulations. You lost. You lost the child. Oh, you also lost a boyfriend because he's gay and then doesn't have their own. You made him gay. No, I didn't. He was always gay. Then why are we having with him? Because he didn't want to be gay. And it creates this big, confusing conversation. So what was the main reaction when you came out as buy as buying for OK, this is funny. Um, one thing my friend did was she tried to ease in the conversation because she wasn't there when I came out to the majority of my friends, and she just heard from my friends that I was buying, and she was just like, So, um, are you like And she just wiped her hand, and she's like and I was just like, What the fuck are you talking about? Like, are you? And she kept waving your hand, and I thought, What the fuck is this girl on? And then she goes See ya. See ya. And I was like, What the fuck? What? And she goes, Are you buy? Bye. Say bye. And I was like, Fuck you slip that in a lot more Suddenly it was too subtle, just shit. And I was just like, yes, I'm And then she was like, Oh, ok, then and then that pretty much what my friends said. But I'm pretty sure they talk by my back. They always do. So, Danny Burke. So, what was the main reaction you got when you came out as gay? Um, from who? From everyone on average, on average, then I like gay people. Yeah, we can go shopping. I never met a gay boy before. Of course you didn't. You live in? That's right. Yes, of course. You've met a gay boy. You've met me. I've never not been gay. I've always been there. I just didn't accept it Pretty much. Yes. So, um, have you ever attended a LGBTI QQ group before? Never. Never, never, ever. Oh, I went to, um the rain ball last year. That the only thing I've been Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. And that is the only thing I've ever been associated with in the group of other gays. I remember that night. I was DJ. Yes, I know you were. DJ was a good DJ. Yes, you were. I was just like, Yeah, this is the song. And then I ended up sweating like hell, and I was like, Fuck, I'm ugly. This is advertisement over here, because this year I'll be D Jing back at the Rainbow Youth Alternative ball. And, yeah, I'm doing it again this year. And I was going to be dancing again this year. Yeah, but this time I'm going to control myself. So I don't end up sweating like a pig on the dance floor because that is not attractive. My current boyfriend met me on the dance floor at the Rainbow Youth Ball, and he said the first and I was like, What was your first impression of me? He goes sweat here, and I was like, Ok. Oh, thank you. 00, this impression. The best person to pretty much. And it was like so let's just keep that on the back. So, um, where was I? Where was I? Oh, yeah. So, um did you ever? So you got some support with your six year old? Who? Yeah, my my family were pretty good about it because I didn't have to come out to them. They pretty much just like they like. They just, like, tipped me out the closet pretty much. That was just me and my parents. Um, me and my mum said that at least, um, we my parents we were sitting at the kitchen table just having a general chat, and, um, we were talking about When they die, I get all the money pretty much except for, like, all my 15 siblings, and then they're just like, OK, you're pretty much gonna get majority of money. Oh, awesome. And and then they just sat there for a while and then they said, What do I You do realise if you were gay, we'd still love you? We still love you. We love you very much. And we pretty much accepted the fact that you're gay. And I was like, That's kind of rude. I was like, but I was like, Yes, and then I and I was like, Hey, guess what? Yeah, I'm gay. Yeah, we know. And I was like, Yeah, it's kind of hard not to know. And then my mum decided to go through everything like My mom is a She's a social worker, but she's been getting a masters in psychology. And she was telling me about this time when I was, um, my auntie told her that when I was seven, I was playing my cousin's Barbies because I was obsessed with Barbies. Back then. I wanted one, but my parents refused and give me Barbie. But I play my cousin's Barbie and then I cut the hair off the Barbies, and then I was just like, Yay! They're boyfriends die! So then, like the two, I just pretended they were boys and, like, yeah, da da da, da And my cousin was obviously the straw because I just cut her Barbie's hair off and they're like princesses. They're not protests anymore. They die. And I was just like, that vibe ends down. It's just so, um, what was it like being a gay boy living in deny? OK, uh, where do I start? Um, OK, let's go. Living in Danny is pretty much lonely. It we don't Danny isn't a homophobic place. It's just very homo. I grew up with no, um, gay icons or any media or any sort of person that I could relate to. So I pretty much coming to myself and coming to terms with my sexuality. Um, it was really hard because it was really lonely. And I just, like, looked around and no one there. And then I tried to talk to my friends, and my friends really didn't understand. And then I started Oh, it got really bad because I started resenting my friends because they got, like, in and out of the stupid, dramatic boyfriends things. And I was just like, I would kill to have a boyfriend. I would kill you to get your boyfriend. And now you're having more boyfriends in. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Not far from you, though. Um, but yeah. So I just, uh, didn't like growing up gay in Danny Burke at all. And it just felt so ostracised from the rest of the world because Danny Perk is an hour away from Palmerston North and an hour and a half away from Hastings. And so you were pretty much in the middle of fucking nowhere. So, um, how did you got introduced into the gay community then? Ok, um, let's go with the first boy I kissed um because he moved into Danny. And, um, my friend was just like, Oh, I went with this gay guy. You love him. And I was like, Is that just because he's gay? Because no one asked for another couple. Couple 100 K. Is it just because of that? Is he the only other gay person you know? And I just acted like that because I was really scared because I was just like, Fuck. This is a gay person, I. I don't know how to talk to gay people. Oh, my God. What do I do? Do I do I, like, shake hands or just, like, do a dance? I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do, and so I just like, No, take him away. I don't want him. I don't want to know him. And then he texted me and he just like So, um, you're gay, right? Yeah, pretty much. And then, uh, first time I met him, it was really nice because I was in the middle of a fiddle on the roof and he came to see me, and he's just, like, really cute. I was like, Oh, my God. Thank you. And then the second time I met him, um, we I ended up on the wall. It was fantastic. Um um And then after that, he done Oh, he didn't dump me. He just texted me on my birthday and said, Yeah, I don't want anything to do with you anymore. Ever. Um, piss off. I hate you. And I was just like, come on my birthday. He came my birthday party the week before, and he got me my knees. It was horrible. And, um, yeah, that was I guess that was a bit of a learning curve for me because, um, loneliness spreads desperateness, you know, stuff like that. And so from there, uh, I didn't even think about going online to find online communities in New Zealand because I was too apprehensive about it because I was nervous. I was scared. I was just like, I don't know any other gay people. What if they don't like me? What if no gay people like me and I'm gonna be alone forever? I'd rather I'd much rather have lived in the fantasy than actually live in reality, which is a horrible, horrible thing to do. But I did that. And then I found, um, a website for Rainbow Youth. And then on Facebook. I found this Facebook, especially though I found this, um, this group called gay teens NZ. And I'm just like I'm a gay teen in New Zealand. So I decided I liked it, and then I started talk. I didn't talk. I was just, like, flicking through it and all I saw just, like, have sex with me. I'm a no, I I'm so sexy. Everyone should have fuck me. And then I just I just wrote my detest for it. I was just like, I hate this. Oh, no, no. I'm generally new to this whole online queer community, actually new to the queer community in general. And if this is what I'm going to be introduced to for the rest of the time, I'm not gonna like it at all. And people are like, Oh, I understand. Oh, yes. So you're so good. And then, um, I got this rainbow facilitator, and he pretty much was just like, Oh, hey, um, so I hear your gate, and then it was really nice from there, so that was nice. I guess that was that was nice and he introduced me to the, um the community All good. So, um, you're in a relationship, obviously. Now. Oh, Lord, Oh, dear. That's how a good start. Yes, I'm in a relationship right now. How many relationships have you been in? Um, mhm. See, it's really hard when you have to think of what Do you concentrate in the relationship? Well, like I said, a relationship lasts more than a month. More than a month. A relationship is a month and onwards. A flying is two weeks and onwards. Quick fuck is less than a week and a one night stand is one night. OK, um so would you concentrate long distance relationships into that category? OK, so hm. Two relationships, I guess. 22 relationships. Yeah, OK, not including anyone else, right? So would you like to give a tell us more of your experience with a fling or a relationship that you've had for a fling or relationship? Either? Two. Ok, so it was earlier this year. Sorry. Ok, Earlier on this year, I, um I got really sick, but before I got really sick, um, I got this fellow from fielding and he was very, very nice. But he was also very he wasn't. He was like, how old he was 25. And so I didn't care because he was a attractive And he was just like, Hey, you wanna hook up? Sure. And so, um, I snuck out for the first time in my life. It's fucking difficult, especially when I'm positioned. I'm like, right next to my parents' bedroom, and they have to all the way around them. And so that happened. And then we pretty much I hopped on his car and I had a knife in my pocket, just in case he was like, because I don't know. And, um, we pretty much just drove to the reserve and we had in his car every once in a while. But what happened was like after the first night I met him, I got really sick. Not about the first night, but first night we met and stuff and talked and he said, Oh, let's be in a relationship. And I was like, OK, I was all happy and but I got really and I was sick for weeks and it was really bad. I couldn't go to school and what happened was after, um after I got better. Um because during the entire time I was sick, I was still like, I couldn't move my arm. I couldn't move this half my body and very much in it at all. But I still snuck out and, you know, had sex with him. Because what do you do? And if I didn't, he would have got mad. And by the time I got, I actually got better and was able to go visit him and his family that he wanted me to. What happened was, uh what happened. That's right. He told me that he broke up with me because as I was sick, I had gained too much weight, and he wasn't attracted to me anymore. And I, I hit the roof. I was just like, Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck you, then Fuck! Go away. Go away! Go, go, go, go, go! And then I just, like, slid him to the side that at the end of that story. So, um, how do you meet other people in the LGBTI Q community? Well, I don't go outside in my front yard to go. Hello? Uh, I pretty much, um online. That's the only way I can do it. Because there's no other way except like, Oh, do you know this version? Can you give them their phone number so I can call them? You can't see. There are people listening to this. You can't see my hand gestures. I have got a phone on my hand and I'm looking at the microphone like you can hear me. OK, sorry. And, um, what is your definition of virginity? Virginity? Ok, um, my definition of virginity is not the first person you had sex with, because I even I got even though I got a girl pregnant. I didn't constitute that as my virginity because I wasn't bisexual or straight. Um, I constitute my virginity. It was the first time I had anal sex with a man. Hm. Oh, male. Oh, that wasn't right. OK. And, um, have you experienced or received any abuse or abusive behaviour because of your sexuality or gender identity? Um, while I was walking home one day from school, uh, a car pulled up next to me full of senior boys. This was when I was year 10, and they pretty much just threw bottles at me. And some of them are glass. Someone hit me directly in the head and I fell on the ground and that sucked. Well, thank you for the interview. Ah, no problem. It's perfectly fine. I love us talking. It's my favourite thing to do. Thank you. The full transcription of the recording ends. A list of keywords/tags describing the recording follow. These tags contain the correct spellings of names and places which may have been incorrectly spelt earlier in the document. The tags are seperated by a semi-colon: 2010s ; Aotearoa New Zealand ; Bible ; Dannevirke ; Fielding ; God ; Hastings ; Job ; LGBT ; Manawatū ; Māori ; Palmerston North ; People ; Q12 (series) ; Rainbow Youth ; Rainbow Youth Alternative Ball ; Spain ; Stuff ; The Closet ; Youth ; abuse ; anal sex ; arts ; birthday ; bisexual ; bullying ; camp ; children ; closet ; coming out ; community ; conversation ; dance ; dancing ; directing ; facebook. com ; facilitator ; family ; fantasy ; flying ; friends ; fun ; future ; gay ; gender ; gender identity ; growing up ; hate ; hell ; hit ; homophobia ; hotel ; icons ; identity ; internet ; isolation ; justice ; kissing ; leadership ; listening ; loneliness ; love ; masculine ; media ; mistakes ; musicals ; other ; parenting ; parents ; patience ; performance ; piano ; podcast ; psychology ; queer ; rainbow ; rape ; relationships ; safety ; school ; sex ; sexual abuse ; sexuality ; siblings ; social ; straight ; struggle ; support ; takatāpui ; teaching ; the other side ; theatre ; time ; top ; violence ; virginity ; walking ; website ; witness ; writing ; youth. The original recording can be heard at this website https://www.pridenz.com/q12_horowai.html. The master recording is also archived at the Alexander Turnbull Library in Wellington, New Zealand.  For more details visit their website https://tiaki.natlib.govt.nz/#details=ecatalogue.1089335. Please note that this document may contain errors or omissions - you should always refer back to the original recording to confirm content.