Played Rugby, And Did Not Feel He Fitted ‘into Gay... (Press, 16 May 1985)

Brian reflects on his journey of recognising his homosexuality, describing it as a gradual process rather than an overnight decision. He began to understand his sexual preferences around the age of 12 or 13 but initially resisted acknowledging them, adhering to stereotypes of homosexuality that he felt he did not fit, as a rugby player who enjoyed contact sports. He noted that by 15, he was in a sexual relationship with a male friend, which lasted until he turned 19. Despite enjoying this intimacy, he did not relate his experiences to being gay. As he entered his early 20s, he continued to fantasise about close male friends but kept these feelings secret, concerned that they would not accept him. He felt compelled to conform to societal expectations, dating women despite lacking genuine attraction. At 22, he met Angela and admired her qualities, ultimately marrying her after a brief engagement, believing that his relationship with her would lessen his feelings towards men. Despite a largely satisfactory married life, Brian found that his fantasies about men grew stronger over time, leading to conflicted feelings about his relationship with Angela. He attempted to address his confusion by taking her to see the film "Making Love," intending to prepare her for his eventual revelation about his past. When he finally shared his feelings with her, he experienced a sense of relief but realised later the emotional turmoil this revelation caused her. As a dedicated family man, he struggled with the notion that understanding his sexual orientation would separate him from his family responsibilities. However, after Angela began dating another man and issued him an ultimatum, he moved out of their home, which was a challenging transition for him. Although he continued to enjoy fatherhood, he faced moments of sorrow at the loss of daily involvement with his children. Brian maintains that his sexual orientation has not diminished his ability to be a father and feels that, if addressed honestly, concerns about sexuality should not hinder relationships with children. He has spoken to his children about his situation, with his daughter acknowledging her hurt over the separation while expressing support for his happiness. Looking back, Brian acknowledges that marrying Angela was unfair to her, and he has gained a deeper understanding of sexuality and its impact on relationships. He values the time they spent together and the lessons learned, emphasising that the qualities they shared go beyond mere sexual orientation. He expresses ongoing affection for Angela, asserting that their ten years together were fundamental to his personal growth and that their children will always remain integral to his life.

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