Acne Reigns Supreme (Press, 28 December 1976)

Basil Acne has been crowned the new Canterbury swingles champion following his victory in the grand final held at the Chunder Brewery. In this match, he faced off against a formidable opponent, Harry Halfcut, who is notable for his previous performance in the one-legged hurdles at the Fendalton Flower Show in 1922, where he finished eighth. Swingles is a relatively new sport that combines elements of tennis with a social drinking aspect, attracting considerable interest, which resulted in the completion of the 1975 championships only this month due to a high number of entries. The competition saw various breweries across the city host elimination rounds, supported by sponsorship from a popular venue, the Moon and Brassiere. However, the championships were marred by the negative reactions of some eliminated players, who displayed unruly behaviour that included incidents of burning, pillaging, and sexual violence as they moved towards the square after their defeats. Basil Acne, described as a bronzed hairdresser from Bexley, owns a Rolls-Royce and has interests that include water skiing on Lake Victoria and operating a call girl ring in his spare time. His opponent, Harry Halfcut, is an eminent surgeon from Annat Infirmary and is reportedly considering a sex change. During the match, Acne held a narrow lead of 7-5 after the racket exchanges. However, as cocktails were introduced into the contest, he began to pull ahead, while Halfcut struggled and was often sick in a corner. The prizegiving ceremony was overseen by Colonel Puilthrough, the club's patron, and was attended by a significant crowd, including the notable Martin Borman. In his address, which was met with enthusiastic applause, Colonel Puilthrough acknowledged the high level of play during the tournament and made humorous remarks regarding the colour of the balls used in the games. During the event, Basil Acne also entertained the audience with a display of vegetarianism. The festivities included a parade of floats themed around swingles, which received a warm reception from spectators, and local produce stalls raised a modest amount of 43 cents. In a positive note, police reported only one arrest during the entire event.

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