David Herkt compiles a survival manual for those about to take the plunge into a gay lifestyle. 1: It is probably not advisable to go on the Hero Trust Board. If you survive the long meetings, you probably won't survive the mid-year backlash. 2: Learn how to manage Sunday afternoon drinks or dinner parties where the invitees are all people you have had sex with. Learn how to manage the partners of people with whom you have had sex or are having sex. Remember an easy, pleasant social manner can get you through many complexities. 3: Know your tolerance to alcohol. You are going to probably be doing a lot of it in your gay career. Vodka works for us because we can drink it for eight or more hours and we seem to get to a point where we don't get any drunker and we're not socially embarrassing. Avoid ‘Yellow' as a champagne because the hangover is a killer. Changing to fruit-juice should be a permanent option for some people. 4: Do not get close to your friends' partners too fast. You know what gay life is like, right? Here today, gone tomorrow. Always take your acquaintanceship with your friend's partners slowly, that way you won't miss them when they go, and if they stay, well, they stay. 5: If someone inconsiderately fucks your boyfriend (which is quite different from considerately fucking him) get even. Quietly. Make sure you use every personal contact you have to screw up their life, assassinate their character, destroy future employment prospects, ruin their reputation, and never, ever forget. But do it gently, because you don't want everyone to think you are a hysterical queen. Then subtly let the fucker know what you have done. They'll tell their friends. It won't happen again and you will be secure for the rest of your life. And your boyfriend? Well, you forgive him. 6: Never have a relationship with a bar-tender because everyone else is having a relationship with him too. 7: Same goes for trolley-dollies. 8: In fact, avoid front-of house staff in the hospitality industry, full-stop. 9: And that includes staff at saunas and sex-on-site venues. 10: Have a carefully-nurtured support network of the three most vicious of your friends. They'll go into bat for you no matter what. And you'd rather have them on your side than against you, right? 10: Get used to living on maxed-out credit cards. Note that plural! Being gay is expensive. Learn early on the swapping of credit from one card to another. Study the art of surviving on nothing at home while spending millions out. Educate yourself in how to buy that $200 T-shirt from Marvel while putting off your real estate agent's demand for last month's rent. 11: When you get a good piece of gossip, pass it on to your friends fast. Gossip is like a currency. You tell someone something they didn't know, and they'll owe you one. You only have a short window of opportunity, so use it. Activate that speed-dial! 12: Discretion in the mazes of sex-on-site venues pays off. Do not say 'Not tonight, Bruce' in the pitch darkness. And if you do find yourself going off with someone in the gloom you absolutely never liked in the light, well you can always shower afterwards. 13: Get used to the fact that you are probably going to be going to the same venues night after night for years and you are going to be seeing the same people whenever you go out. Be nice to them on your way up because you are still going to be seeing them on your way down. 14: Despite the evidence of the personals, being a gay couple in the gay community is not about walks on beaches, outdoor activity, and going to the movies. It is about males trying to live with each other. This means dirty socks, towels with dried cum on them, fighting over what happened to one partner's belt the other one recently wore, who is going to cook, the masculine tendency to spread seed outside the bonds of de facto relationships, farting, and the ability of both of you to appear together in public without brawling about any of these things. 15: Enjoy any appearance you might make in a gay gossip column at GayNZ.com, or at Out! and to a lesser extent, in express. This means, generally, that you are interesting to people. It means you are socially-relevant, unless of course you live on Waiheke Island which by definition puts you in the 'humorous' category. 16: Porn-stars are porn stars and you really wouldn't want to date one. Time, money, and effort spent on duplicating the body owned by an unintelligent American gay man on steroids in Los Angeles is not a great evolutionary choice. 17: There is no such thing as a secret in Gayland. If you tell one person, be assured that everyone else will know within minutes courtesy of text-message, mobile phone, e-mail or plain old-fashioned personal contact. 18: Men are kissed on one cheek when you greet them. Drag-queens are kissed on two. But don't get too close, that make-up took hours to put on. 19: For out of towners and the young, remember Aucklanders are vacant. They need repetition. The best way to get into the gay community is by regular attendance somewhere, that way you'll become part of things by just being there. Always chat to bar-tenders or front of house staff if you can, but remember rules 6 to 9 above. Joining the gay rugby club or going to the GABA drinks on the first Tuesday of every month can only help. Learn the names of famous drag-queens. Always talk to people because they'll think you are trying to pick them up and be flattered. And remember if Auckland gets too much for you, you can always move to Sydney but unfortunately what you'll get there is twice as many gay Aucklanders behaving twice as badly as they ever did in Auckland. 20: Relax! You are going to be around for a while. Nothing really matters. A drama is only a drama is only a drama… David Herkt - 8th October 2001