Wed 20 Apr 2005 In: Ask Our Expert View at Wayback View at NDHA
I want to have kids someday, and I'm terrified I won't be able to. Who should I talk to? Is this something I should worry about now? I finally came out to my parents (Most of my friends already knew) just before Christmas. The only negatives so far have been regarding my future in terms of kids; I've always wanted them and up till recently never thought I wouldn't be able to have any. My mother has made several comments regarding this issue, usually in the negative, using terms like "unhealthy" to describe the enviroment kids of same-sex partners grow up in. I'm studying for a degree in Early Childhood, so I'm used to taking flak about being gay around kids, and putting up with general discrimination in the curriculum, etc; but I've never thought I'd have issues with having children myself. My friends too, have made life difficult with 'turkey baster' jokes - which I think is more of way to draw attention to something they know concerns me deeply, than anything else. But I don't know how to respond to them! I'm still young, and don't plan to have children for a few years yet, but it's constantly on my mind. It's started to make me wonder if I do have a choice, and question the love I have for my current partner; would it be easier to pack it in? Should I choose a 'healthier' lifestyle for my as-yet-unborn children? Should I sacrifice the love I feel towards my partner, for the love I know I'll have towards my future children? Please help me! - Joan, Wellington Carol comments: Your letter contains many important facets, Joan. I can only briefly respond to them here. I think if you address your last questions first you may find that the others become less perplexing. You say you are studying for a degree in Early Childhood Education. Your university library gives you access to the many published studies about the effect on children of being raised by homosexual parents. (Try the social sciences on-line resource “ERIC” to start.) You will find that all reputable studies have concluded that a loving, secure, homosexual home is as healthy and as nurturing as any similar heterosexual home. These studies also state that children brought up in homosexual homes are statistically as likely to be homosexual as those brought up in a straight environment. For a more personal, less academic approach, read “Get Used To It!” – a book of interviews with young New Zealanders whose parents are gay or lesbian, and there are lots of lesbian parenting books. If you find yourself convinced by the conclusions of the research or other reading, then you may find that you don't need to leave your partner and that you have accurate information to share with your mum. You may also find it helpful to discuss your worries with your partner. When we work with children, our sexuality can be perceived by others to be a problem. Again the published research can aid you here. Statistically, most paedophiles are straight men – read Chris Banks' article on Graeme Capill on this site. To negate the effect of prejudiced people, teachers make decisions about their degree of being out at work, and the places they choose to work. You may find that, in many work places, your sexuality is not an issue. You may also find, as you gain information, that the issues you now identify lessen. If you do decide to go ahead with parenting as a lesbian you need not be alone! In Auckland there's a very successful social network called “Rainbow Families”. I'm a mother and grandmother – I wouldn't change this for the world. Go Girl! - Carol Jacquie comments: Joan, I have thought about your letter for a week now and I am just as confused and worried as I was when I first read it. With respect, I think you need to talk to a counselor in the near future, you need to be able to discuss and gain some understanding of your situation as a gay person, and a possible parent. Your comment “Should I choose a healthier lifestyle” just blows me away: what's unhealthy about being GAY? I think you should have a serious talk to your mother and if possible involve her in discussions with other same-sex parents and their kids. I'm concerned your mother is clouding your judgment regarding YOUR LIFESTYLE. If mum wont come to the party for your own sanity I suggest putting some distance between you and her for a time until you are more secure and confident in yourself and your own ability. Parenting is a long-term commitment and it is through this commitment, love, and stability that kids grow up healthy and well balanced. Your sexuality should have no bearing on your ability to parent positively. Your letter was so full of negatives and you are obviously extremely distraught... I think you have many other issues to work through before you consider parenting. As for your other comments regarding 'friends' and their 'Turkey Baster' jokes, well they are not your friends so tell them to shut up or ****** off. Regarding the early childhood curriculum and discrimination, I'm sure if you could point out some examples they could be printed on this site for discussion and then could be the subject of review. - Jacquie GayNZ.com - 20th April 2005