New Zealand has finally screened Coro's "Todd Comes Out" storyline, leaving the poor bloke sobbing at the ferocity of Gailzilla's attack on his family. Gail (Potter Tilsley Platt Hillman) is a mess. In the eighties, she married a bloke with a mullet, who deserted her because of his hairstyle and because his mum Ivy was a stereotypical mother-in-law and ended up impersonating a nun before she shuffled off this mortal coil. Whereupon her second husband went round the twist after ingesting a rancid Baldwins apple. It's not Gail's fault that she looks like the back end of a truck. If I'd had as chequered a marital history as that madam, I'd look like the wreck of the Hesperus as well. However, it's a bit much calling poor wee Todd a pervert. Hello? To lose one husband might be careless, to lose three in a row strikes me as sheer incompetence. And then there was her cradle-snatching when she used poor Martin Platt as her toyboy. And the fact that her three kids have different dads. If only Todd or Eileen had known her backstory, then there might have been an even better all-in female wrestling number at the end of the episode! What a hypocrite! At least Toddy only did it with Sarah and the feckless Karl.On the other hand, Gail has pronounced polyandrous tendencies, although that doesn't make her unusual on That Street... And then there's Richard Hillman. Oh dear. "I married a serial killer." It must be said that I got rather annoyed at that plotline on t'street, though. For one thing, the silly bastard killed off the wrong characters! I would've polished off Dierdre of the Sorrows (specs by British Solar Panels plc), Fat Fred Elliot (using a chainsaw or harpoon), and Norris the He-Housedrudge. And Gail. Bloody incompetence, I'd call it. There you are! Todd and Eileen could have responded: "At least our Todd's gay, not a sociopath!" But if one can mercilessly send up Gailzilla's rampage, then Eileen deserves applause. What a nice mum. And at least she's only had two kids by different men. And is a fine, upstanding, celibate solo mum. Unlike Gail, who hangs around frightening small children who watch the programme. Hey! An idea for crossover fanfiction strikes me! Gail goes to LA for some much-needed cosmetic surgery and visits Nip/Tuck's set. At which point, she comes across studly Christian Troy. She throws herself at Christian, who says that she is beyond the expertise of even the most skilful plastic surgeon, and Gail runs wailing down the corridor. Traumatised, Christian goes gay. With that cute arse of his, he should be, anyway. My compliments to Julian McMahon for the curves in question. Sorry, but it's infinitely better than contemplating Gail's raddled visage... Gail ends up on Gimme Gimme Gimme as Linda La Huge's long lost mum. I mean, if you were her mum, wouldn't you want to lose yourself? If you were a sprog of hers, wouldn't you want to get lost? Craig Young - 9th February 2005