I think my 16-year-old nephew may be gay but he's growing up as I did in a very religious family fed lashings of Catholic guilt about sexuality matters. I don't want to offend him if he's not gay but want to extend a helpful hand if he is. He's unlikely to be very open about it and lives in the southern South Island so I have very few chances to observe him or even broach the issue. What can I do? - Brian A, Auckland. Jim comments: Sometimes there is very little you can do. If you don't see your nephew very often and if his family is as you described then it would be hard for you to do anything directly. It would also be presumptuous to assume anything about his sexual orientation at this time. Lots of gay people make the mistake of projecting their own sexuality onto others. It's a psychological defence mechanism. You should make an effort to be closer to your own family. If there is any knowledge of your being gay drifting about the family your nephew has probably heard it. Just being there gives him a message that other people are gay. In addition you can let him know that you are willing to talk with him if he needs it for anything. He may never seek out advice (of course he may not need it) but just knowing you exist can be helpful to him. In a nutshell if you want to help him then build your relationship with your family, ie. with your sibling and his/her son. You might be curious to know that research seems to indicate that if your nephew is your sister's son (as opposed to a brother's son) the chances are higher that he may be gay. Jacquie comments: Please bear in mind that I am just one person. Nobody knows all (or even most) of the answers. You should take everything I say into consideration but I could be wrong or not really know your real situation, so please remember that. My first reaction to your letter was to say mind your own dam business... his sexuality is his concern, he is 16 and you, I assume, are older... are you sure you are not fantasizing and harboring a secret hope that someone else in your family is gay. That'd teach them wouldn't it? However I must give you the benefit of the doubt and treat this as genuine concern rather than some voyeuristic fantasy. You say you have very few chances to observe him or to even broach the issue. Young men can be extremely sensitive regarding their sexuality and how others see them so tread very very carefully. You don't say if you are out to your family or not, although I suspect your comments “Catholic guilt about sexuality matters” indicates that you are not out of the closet, to your family. You indicate some limited contact with family, I take that to mean you have opportunity to talk to your nephew, or get the family gossip, what I don't understand is what makes you think he is gay, more often than not things are not as they seem or as we would wish. If you come out to your nephew and he is not gay he could see you as a threat and treat your question as a proposition. That of course has consequences especially in a family with narrow religious beliefs. Remember it can take a long time for some people to acknowledge their sexuality especially in the kind of environment you describe. If you are not out then just keep a watching brief as I'm sure you will hear if there are any developments. It gets easier, if you are out of the closet, family-wise... then you can simply make sure your nephew knows you are gay and where he can contact you if a need ever arises. But just remember you and your nephew will possibly have nothing in common except family links and this may not be enough to form a friendship. Just remember in these days of technology and multi media your nephew may be streaks ahead of you anyway. Unlike past generations the information is there and readily available for him. Wouldn't it be KAMP if you one day recognize him in some gay chat room! The best thing you can do is to set an example to your family that being gay is not a barrier to leading a happy and productive life, positive reinforcement can break down stereotypes and barriers quicker than all the legislation in the world and may go a long way to helping your nephew regardless of his sexuality. GayNZ.com - 6th February 2005