Week 6 of the edited diary entries of a HIV positive man going onto a standard 'combination therapy' pill regime to boost the immune system and repress the virus. Wednesday With a little help from my sister I'm back in the pill routine I tried to start with. Setting them out each evening ready for the next day. Today was a good day, no work but we went to the beach and had an icecream and a walk. The cool air was refreshing and I only caught myself thinking about where the nearest gents would be if I got caught short half a dozen times or so. Thursday Went into work for four hours which is a recent record. Had "a little lie down and a cup of tea" half way through but it still represents definite progress. Sister did some of my bookkeeping chores which was a relief. I retired to bed with a headache and grim feeling in the guts afterwards. Farewelled sister and thanked her for her support these last few days which has been exceptional. Not just the company but her ability to keep a reliable daily routine going when I don't seem able to. And her company has been much appreciated. I think she left relieved too that I seem to be improving a little each day now. She will report back to the worried family that I am past the worst of it and that's true I think. Friday Three more hours work this afternoon including doing the banking and shopping which I haven't attempted since the "shitted myself in Queen Street" episode. I think I can understand why so many people on HIV combinations seem to be on a sickness benefit. It's not that the HIV is making them sick, it's just that they can't sustain a job plus the side effects of these bloody puills. The only way I've got through the past month or so is that I own my own business, have understanding and capable staff who have been prepared to work unexpected hours and chores sometimes at a moment's notice, and have enough income to keep financially solvent even if I'm not in the office every day. I have seen one or two guys devastated by having to chuck in their careers and decent incomes in mid life, I count myself very, very lucky. Saturday Went to a small glbt community meeting this afternoon and discovered the dreaded "toilet/bathroom is directly adjacent to where other people are gathered chatting" syndrome. Damn the craze for open plan living. Violent farts and diahrroea is anti-social to say the least. Trying to exercise a controlled release is impossible and then all hell breaks loose. Nobody said anything as I returned to the meeting just outside, two of the people know what I'm going through, the others must have been appalled but remained aloof. Mentioned the to a friend over the phone tonight and he warned me of another peril, the toilet/bathroom that either has a window onto the patio/deck or which has an extractor fan which vents there. I can think of several Ponsonby villa conversions I will have to be wary of on fine days. Sunday Feeling better, visited another friend who went through this combination a year ago and had to give up on it. Came home determined to see it through which is easier to commit to now that I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel. Numbness in fingers,afternoon energy crashes, cenment taste and queasiness are the main side-effects of the pills now, the other problems are receding, though with occasional "flashbacks." I've settled into a daily routine of late rising, breakfast, two or three hours work or housework or going out, a lie down about 1.20pm until 4 or 5pm, dinner, an hour of something then bed with a book or curled up dozing with the TV. It's not what I'd call a normal life but its a rough approximation and it's more or less predictable. Monday Worked as planned this morning which was a great relief. The staff who don't know I'm on HIV pills think I've had some sort of bad flu which is still giving me stomach problems. I feel bad about letting them go on believing this. It's gnawing at my conscience a bit. They've been so good to keep things running in my continual absences and weeks of over-promising and under-delivering. Tuesday Bad night of sweats last nigh meant only 2 hours of work today and I know I've missed several doses of pills in the past few days but have no recollection which ones. I try not to let the pills dominate things, to take them then get on with my day... trying to keep some aspect of "normality" to things. But sometimes it's very close to a sort of denial of reality and that leads to forgetfullness. Somehow I have to find a balance. John Stone; GayNZ.com - 4th November 2004
Credit: John Stone; GayNZ.com
First published: Thursday, 4th November 2004 - 12:00pm