Thu 19 May 2016 In: Our Communities View at Wayback View at NDHA
After the recent decision of the Anglican Church to maintain the status quo of refusing acceptance and equality for LGBTI people, we are faced yet again with the whole religious dilemma. Many of us have experienced the brunt of attacks from religion in some form, whether it be blatantly hostile and abusive, or subtly dehumanising. Some have managed to come to terms with their faith and there are a few churches who are openly inclusive and can provide a safe place to pursue their spiritual beliefs. Others simply can’t reconcile the core issues no matter how hard they try; the damage has been done. For these people, there is a need to “deconstruct”, to sift through what they believe, and find a spirituality (if any) that brings life and love. I founded Silent Gays with this as its primary objective. The need for a safe “place” to question everything, with others who have been there and truly understand the deep trauma of religious abuse. I’ve found that these following points describe something of the emotional struggle we have experienced: You’ve tried to be “straight”, in fact you’ve pleaded with God through tears of shame, fear and guilt to take away this terrible “sin”! Your stomach turns to knots and you feel sick when people talk about the evils of being gay, and pray with every ounce of strength you have, that you are putting on a good “straight” face. You just can’t shake the possibility that you really are an “abomination” and destined for hell! You are living a silent, dual life – with a secret that is too much to share – wondering how you’ll survive. You even wonder if everything you’ve believed is a lie! All this produces a condition called Cognitive Dissonance – which is one of the main reasons why LGBTI people suffer so much in religious institutions. “It’s the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values” [Wikipedia]. For gay people in religious belief systems, this can lead to depression, mental illness and suicide. Our minds simply can’t handle trying, on the one hand, to adhere to a belief system that says we are sinful, broken and have to change to be acceptable to God, and on the other, knowing that everything our mind and body says is in direct conflict with this. Every “Silent Gay” knows this feeling intimately. They spend their lives in conflict trying to reconcile who they are with who the church says they should be. It brings death, emotional, spiritual and, all too often, physical. Many LGBTI people end up bitter and deeply hurt, actively rejecting anything to do with religion and often all aspects of their spirituality. Although this is perfectly understandable, it’s also damaging at a deeper level, as often the issues are never really resolved and can spill over into all areas of our lives. The process of “deconstruction” really needs to be a healthy one, with others who have been there, who can provide genuine, non-judgemental acceptance. We need to be able to “process” the abuse in a way that brings life and leads us into freedom and a greater understanding of love – a love that is far greater than the conditional judgement that the church has called “love”. A love that heals the damage so we are no longer acting out of anger, hurt and resentment. Silent Gays gives people that place, to share the ugly, to vent, to be heard, to be helped to find their “true identity” as loving humans. We run workshops and seminars, small group meetings, an online “secret” group, and “one to one” help. The website contains a heap of resources that covers just about every aspect of the problem. Live loved! Jim Marjoram - 19th May 2016