Tue 16 Dec 2014 In: Our Communities View at Wayback View at NDHA
Paul Letham is a therapist and counsellor in Auckland Last week I had my attention drawn to journalist Lee Suckling’s latest opinion piece in the New Zealand Herald. Ostensibly writing from a gay perspective, Suckling outlines changes he has noticed within himself since marrying his male partner in the previous month, most notably the perceived shedding of a “gaydolesence”, a time in a gay man’s life that, according to Suckling, needs to be overcome in order to progress to some newer and more mature stage of life. Ensconced comfortably within the neo-conservative arms of the Herald, Suckling applies broad brushstrokes in his assertions, the main implication of these being that marriage somehow indicates success within our society, a rite-of-passage necessary to becoming regarded as an adult. He is now the “good homo”: settled and happy, having finally put away childish things, as it were. What disappoints me most about Suckling’s stance is the boldly heteronormative template upon which it is based, and the unhelpful stereotypes he associates with those who have supposedly not attained his degree of “success”. Don’t get me wrong here – I’m a supporter of marriage equality. I have gay friends who are happily married, but I’m also equally friendly with many who regard the institution of marriage as vaguely anodyne and pointless, a bowing-down before the might of heteronormativity, a needless attempt to fit into an irrelevant straight world, and an affront to the LGBT community’s right to express itself in any way it darn well likes, as has indeed been the case since the gay liberation movement began in the 1960s. Lee however seems to regard matrimony as the only worthy method of escaping the supposedly frivolous, hedonistic world of the gay male. Suckling begins by misinterpreting the main premise of Alan Down’s excellent, if not overly-simplistic, book The Velvet Rage. He asserts that “commitment is not in the gay DNA”, and that adolescence is something that most gay men don’t want to let go of. He mentions a “Peter Pan Syndrome” that allows gay men to exist in a state of perpetual youthfulness. In reality, through my work as a therapist dealing predominantly with the LGBT community, I see these factors differently. Aside from the vaguely insulting and sanctimonious tone of Suckling’s statements, most of my gay male clients actually suffer due to these cultural edicts. Gay male culture doesn’t simply permit the extension of an adolescence – it insists upon it, often creating real harm in the community. These factors are not things that gay men willingly buy into – they’re largely required to. They do not necessarily have the option of opting out. It would appear that perhaps Suckling has bought into this world, and now equates his “escape” via matrimony as a sign of his superiority. "Marriage is not the be-all and end-all that Suckling believes it to be." Yes, some gay men do manage to choose not to participate in this ethos and end up living uniquely individual lives, but in Suckling’s world, we will all inevitably join a “party culture” once we decide upon expressing our new-found gayness, and start looking after our skin and micro-managing our wardrobe. These are awful, stigmatising stereotypes that may indeed reflect Suckling’s experience, but I can assure him that there are plenty of gay men out there living very different lives. Plenty of blokes were essentially getting married and moving to the suburbs long before marriage equality was entered into law, and most of my friends don’t know the first thing about skincare. Suckling’s insistence on the singularly redemptive power of matrimony strikes me as vaguely patronising, if not more than a little naive, diminishing the very real experiences of others that exist in our community. The concept of cultural diversity seems to have eluded him. I would posit that marriage is not the be-all and end-all that Suckling believes it to be. Each gay man’s journey is different, and I personally regard adherence to the bland, unimaginative chronology suggested by Suckling to be something worthy of escaping from. Suckling’s final paragraph seems to confirm that the stereotypical timeline he has outlined has indeed been his experience: he asserts that he is “not going to get fat” now that he’s married, and he’s still going to have fun. The irony of this aside (seemingly discarding the Peter Pan requirement by getting married, but still somehow intending to live by it despite the presence of a husband), I can only say good for him. I wish him many happy years of marriage. But I would ask him to remember this: the LGBT community is vast and diverse. The stereotypes he expounds (and would appear to live by), apart from making the “gay lifestyle” easier to digest for the Herald’s straight readership, are unhelpful, and potentially damaging. Yes, some gay men do indeed experience a deferred adolescence, especially if they come out later in life, but the dance parties, the tank tops and the supposedly amplified sex drive are not the automatic result of this. These things, exhausting and bewildering to the newly-out gay man, can be rejected without the need to get married, and I often assist clients in doing just that, should they wish to. Suckling’s broad statements do nothing to assist the heterosexual world in understanding us better. Instead of breaking down stereotypes, he seems keen on bolstering them: we’re nothing but giggling sex-obsessed teenagers, fixated on clinging tenaciously to a rapidly-fading youth, according to his articles. Perhaps referring in future to the beautiful diversities of gay life that currently exist in 21st century Aotearoa might be more helpful? We’re represented by the multi-coloured rainbow flag, after all! We await his next opinion pieces with interest. Paul Letham is a counsellor and therapist at Auckland’s Mind Your Head Counselling, who has written a number of columns for GayNZ.com. He specialises in depression, anxiety, identity issues, sex/sexuality, relationship problems, GLBT issues, self-esteem, and existential concerns. You can find him on Facebook here and on Twitter here. Paul Letham - 16th December 2014