Andrew Thiele When gay people socialise, it’s most often around alcohol. But this can present a problem for some New Zealanders. Andrew Thiele shares his story of addiction and the road to recovery. COMING OUT I was raised in Christchurch, but went to an all boys' boarding school in Masterton for 5 years. During my time there, I always knew I was gay. I actually joined the mailing list for the then ‘Pink Triangle' newspaper, which arrived monthly in a brown unmarked envelope. It was thrilling for me to see images and read articles about us or me or how I was feeling! Thank goodness for those early pioneers in gay media. I came out to my parents when I was 19. I invited them around to my flat after work, sat them down, and told them. They were very upset, but I think although they said it was a shock, I believe they were more shocked I told them. My Mother cried a lot and my father disowned me for about 10 days, but after that they were pretty cool. I've lived in, and explored the gay scenes of Christchurch, Auckland, San Francisco and London, but my experience with all of these cities is similar - clubbing, drinking, drugs, sex, and cruising. Naturally the openness of the gay communities in these cities varies. Two of the largest Gay cities in the world, San Francisco and London, have distinct areas and communities defined by location. They feel more safe and free and seem to protect the scene and the people on it. NEEDING A DRINK My alcoholism, I believe, began at birth. I needed a Gin when I was 3! Honestly though, I have always been a person with the words ‘More' and ‘Now' in my vocabulary. This alcoholism is just that - an ‘ism' - a disease. The truth is: in all walks of life, from the poor to the very rich, the professional to the uneducated, in countries where alcohol is discouraged and countries where it is the fabric of life, there are alcoholics everywhere. I believe there is a higher rate of unmanageability around drinking and drug taking on any gay scene, as there is an inherent belief that somehow we can be less responsible in our actions. Perhaps we still see ourselves as special, different, still oppressed, or perhaps believe that the community-wide does not really take us seriously. Why be responsible when society does not expect us to be? The other consideration is that for many years a Gay Bar was the only place to meet other gay people, so if you did not drink you were in for a long night. THE DARKEST TIMES The bleakest times are frequent during an active alcoholics life (active meaning still drinking and using drugs). I am an Alcoholic even now although I have not used any mind-altering drug or taken a drink for over five years. I have a daily program which allows the obsession to ‘use' to be removed. I did need help, but only when I was ready to admit that I was unable to stay sober on my own. There were some days, weeks even, where I could drink normally - maybe a few wines or even days without it. In fact when I first got help for my addiction I stayed dry for five months, but because I still was not ready to accept that I had a problem, I could not stay sober. I drank again for another 18 months before I finally was so low, lonely, and yes, suicidal, that I was prepared to admit completely that I needed help. The lowest time was the realisation that whatever I promised myself about what I would or would not do around drink and drugs, it all went out the door when I had my first drink of the day. My resolve to be good never worked. After a night of cocaine, drinks and smokes, and copious amounts of sex with anonymous partners, I woke up in my apartment in London alone, shaking with the DT's and very depressed. At that moment I decided that this could not continue, and I went to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in London. I have not used since. I was fortunate to have met a friend in AA who I had gone to school with in NZ and he was 8 years sober at the time. He suggested an AA meeting to go to, and from then on AA became the most important thing in my life. It wasn't easy, but it was simple - go to meetings and don't pick up the first drink, because that's the one that gets me drunk. The support from the friends I met at the meetings cannot compare to anything I had experienced in my life and I am and always will be grateful for AA. AND NOW... I feel amazing, free, and very happy most of the time. The thing about life is it is full of ups and downs, but instead of my default response to everything good or bad, to drink, I don't! I can deal with life on life's terms, and I try to not take myself or others too seriously. I spent much of my time either judging or trying to control people, places and things. I have learnt that all of that is very exhausting and if I concentrate on doing the best I can and accept that it is none of my business what others do or say, then I have a chance for some peace of mind. Fear is a big thing for an addict of any type and for the most part I recognise that now and know that I don't have to react anymore. Acceptance of my addictive nature is key and knowing that my life is way better without alcohol and drugs is the real freedom from this disease. My suggestion for any readers who might think they have some issues around using alcohol and drugs there is hope and a solution and it comes in many forms. The most important thing is that you arrive at the decision yourself, to seek help. In my experience no one can be forced to get sober, it has to get bad enough for the individual to want to change. Diana Rands from the Community Alcohol and other Drug Service responds: The story above is an inspiring journey of recovery. As Andrew rightly says – the decision to change has to be your own. Usually change only happens when it is too hard to stay the same. There are however warning signs way before this, so, when does too much of a good thing…become a bad thing? There are several ways to know if your use is heading towards addiction. The first sign is when social use becomes more than social, when it begins to increase in importance. Dependence can be emotional, especially initially if you find yourself thinking – “It makes me feel normal”, “I can only unwind after a ---“. Physical dependence usually follows later, but with some substances it kicks in much quicker than with others. Physical dependence on alcohol, for example, is generally slow to develop but for P, Valium and opiates it is much quicker. Addiction involves a loss of control over use, where use continues despite harm to self and others and that the substance or substances become the focal point of your life above all other things. An indicator of physical dependence is when you have to use more of the substance to get the same effect (tolerance) and when you stop using you experience unpleasant effects (withdrawal). You get withdrawals because the body has to make changes to the nervous system in order to tolerate the amount of drug you are putting in. Then when you stop putting it in, your body has to reverse those changes and it ain't usually pleasant. Some warning signs are: Letting others down due to your use Finding that you drink/use more than you intended to (on a regular basis) Needing a morning drink or hit to make you feel better If you are wondering about your own use, the litmus test is to see if you can stop (all drug/alcohol use) for a couple of weeks. This will give you the ultimate insight into the role your drug use plays in your life. If you have concerns about your own or someone else's alcohol or other drug use, or if you'd like more information, contact CADS on (09) 845 1818 or www.cads.org.nz or if you live outside Auckland contact Alcohol and Drug Helpline 0800 787 797. Remember, CADS is very gay friendly! Andrew Thiele and Diana Rands - 27th October 2006
Credit: Andrew Thiele and Diana Rands
First published: Friday, 27th October 2006 - 12:00pm