Fri 10 Mar 2006 In: Ask Our Expert View at Wayback View at NDHA
Byron of Auckland writes: A close friend has just been diagnosed HIV positive. I know he was negative a few years back so somehow he caught the virus fairly recently. I can't understand how an otherwise intelligent gay man in this day and age could get HIV, and find myself thinking rather uncharitable thoughts about a guy I used to respect. I don't want to turn my back on his friendship but can't ignore his stupidity. Bill says: I've had two close friends—beautiful, bright young men—who have got HIV when they knew how to avoid it. I've felt very sad and very angry. I guess that is part of loving them. And, of course, you don't love someone less for making a mistake. It highlights a problem at the heart of our community. The norm of condom use is not as strong as it once was. The figures show that the spread of HIV is accelerating. Men in my generation who used condoms religiously in the past are getting tired of them, perhaps. And some younger men might not have got into the habit. The lowered visibility of aids, the better treatment and the longer average life expectancy of people with the virus have combined to make us relax too much. We too easily forget this: If you don't use condoms you WILL get HIV. And when you get HIV your quality and length of life will be severely compromised. The available drugs do prolong life—but it seems that they do not extend it to a normal lifespan, and usually there are serious side effects. We need more fear in our community. That's a controversial statement: Fear-based safer sex advertising has a bad reputation. But in this life it is in fact fear that keeps us safe. Not over-the-top fear, but measured fear—fear that can be put to one side if you use condoms every time. Jacquie says: I hope I do not have any friends as narrow and shallow as you appear to be. True friendship overlooks faults and weaknesses in others, a true friend would always be there and ready to forgive regardless of the circumstances. Another possibility is that he has been safe and there was that one in a whatever chance something went wrong that was not his fault. If you really need to know ask him how it happened he will probably be only to pleased to get it off his chest to a good friend. It is a fact we are getting a rise in HIV not a decline - complacency in our community is the killer. It would be easy to turn your back and not have to deal with the reality of your friend's situation. However, for him knowing he has a true friend or friends will be oh so important and appreciated. Do you not think he has asked himself the same questions you are voicing over and over again? The last thing he will need is a friend calling him stupid... he may already 'know' that. I hope for his sake you are a true friend and give him the support and love a good friend always deserves. GayNZ.com - 10th March 2006