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I'm in the darkness and all alone and I can hear voices. I can hear people, but there's nobody talking to me. It's like I'm invisible. [00:00:30] What I fear most about being gay in this country is that people won't accept me for what I am. I feel the gay society most of all because I see it. I see that, um, that they are forced to fit into society's stereotypes as well, and they actually do it quite well. Um, it's [00:01:00] they fit into the society's perception of what being gay should be. And I see it as that. Like, um, gay people should be like witty, good looking, health conscious good bodies and bitchy Queenie Camp superficial. And it's all just plastic. It's it's a facade. It's not what's in them. It's just out there. It's, and in the end it becomes it. It gets to the point where [00:01:30] it's not being themselves. It's being what people want them to be. And I also fear in on Well, as I know, I wouldn't fit in there as well, because they wouldn't accept a gay person with them interacting with them, working with them, living with them, being your neighbours, they wouldn't accept gay couples. I fear not knowing [00:02:00] what my direction is. And I think growing up in a family that didn't have, um, huge resources behind it, Um, not really knowing or growing up with, um, a Maori background, but never knowing it never knowing that Maori heritage language. Um, yeah, I do feel a bit of a sense of isolation. [00:02:30] I'm not really pakeha and I'm not really maori. Um, and I'm I identify as gay, but I'm not hugely into the gay scene. Um, it it does kind of make you wonder where where your place is, where you fit in. And, um, also never really been engendered with directions [00:03:00] in which to go or a career to aspire to. I've been a little bit of a, um when do you call it? I was gonna say weed just grow wild and and that's a little bit sad because you think time is slipping away and what have I done? I mean, if we judged on the on what we've achieved during a certain time, um, or [00:03:30] the lives of people that we touch during a certain period of time, then have I done enough Or could I have done more? Um, I think those are the the fears that I I worry about or give energy to. I'm also, um, fearful of straight people [00:04:00] in social gatherings, like, you know, in nightclubs or bars. I just can't go to those sorts of places. I. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and everybody's staring at me and judging because I'm quite obviously gay, and I'm actually quite proud of the fact that I'm quite obviously gay, you know, I've got nothing to hide. And [00:04:30] if someone comes up to me and says, Are you a or you're a faggot or whatever I will say, I will tell them. Yes, I am. But, you know, um, you go to these You I go to these. If I go to these places, I'm really, really terrified that I'm going to actually get beaten up or something. And in the past, I have been, you know, I've I've been in situations where I've been bashed because [00:05:00] I'm gay. Like I remember about five years ago, I was walking down Courtney Place with a friend of mine and these three guys on the other side of the road called out Faggots at us. And, um, I said to my friend Brent, I said, Just ignore them and we sort of looked the other way and looked in the shops, [00:05:30] and the next time they came running across the road and beat the shit out of us, I guess there's the fear of growing older. Um, [00:06:00] because I, I think the the society but also gay society is very youth focused. And it's not so much the fear of of, um, growing old but growing old and being ostracised. I think my greatest fear would be of growing old alone. I don't see myself as being in any [00:06:30] relationship in the near future, but hopefully in time I will meet someone. But you know, there is that fear that I won't and that when I'm 60 70 years of age, I'm going to be all on my own, and I'm not going to have anybody to look after me because if I was heterosexual, I would have Children and I would have my Children to [00:07:00] look after me basically and right when I get to that age, I'm not going to have Children. I'm not going to have my parents around because I'll be dead and gone, and so I will be on my own and it's quite a scary prospect. When I think about it, I guess I'm [00:07:30] I'm in darkness because I don't know where I'm supposed to be. I don't know where I'm supposed to be long. I don't know. I don't know what I am. I don't know what I should be. And I think I lost my sense of self sometimes because you try so hard to fit into something [00:08:00] and you find that you don't fit and sometimes you are rejected and that is a blow to your self esteem. And and I don't admit to having a very high self esteem. But I think I have enough to get by, you know, But then again, I think what right do other people have to make me feel like this? And [00:08:30] and slowly now I'm learning to to give it back to people, to give them their own medicine, to give back what they've taken from me, like I don't know, just shove it back in your face. I suppose what they gave me and it's sort of slowly working and I'm sort of slowly getting to know myself better. And in what I'm not afraid of [00:09:00] and overcoming the fears and to do things that I want to do for myself and not what people expect and trying to be comfortable with myself again. Yeah. Some of the biggest fans. I think we face a death and loss of loved ones [00:09:30] and being alone. And I've pretty much in my formative years had to cope with those. Um, it really started with my sister being murdered. Um, when I was seven years old and she was only 17. Um, when I was 14, my mother was [00:10:00] diagnosed with cancer and died from it shortly after and a couple of years after that. So this was all through my, um, schooling period. And my brother died as a result of a car accident. Um, and then when I was 20 my father passed away from kidney failure. So by the time I was [00:10:30] 2021 I was celebrating, Hm? Not with my family that I wanted to, but with other people, I'm afraid I'm afraid of being alone. I think [00:11:00] that comes from having fear of being on my own and not particularly liking my own company. In fact, to be honest, I actually find myself quite boring at times, [00:11:30] and my way of getting around that I've discovered now is actually using the Internet, because when I'm on the Internet chatting to people or surfing, I don't feel like I'm alone. I'm afraid that, um, being gay would be a terrible experience or a terrible existence for me. [00:12:00] I know of so many older gay men who who end up by themselves and they can't find anyone like a soulmate. The they end up lonely and they live by themselves. And and the thing that keeps them busy is your business and work. And it's about it. They have nothing more. They have friends, but they don't have anyone [00:12:30] like close to them. They don't have a partner. And me and my friend used to joke about gay death at 30 and it's somewhat true because most people write you off after you. After you reach the age of 30 maybe everyone will end up the same being old and lonely [00:13:00] these days. Um, I start feeling fearful by actually facing how I'm feeling and acknowledging that I'm feeling that way. In the past, I didn't actually face that. I, um, tried to hide from it by over indulging in alcohol and drug abuse. I think most of the time [00:13:30] I turn my fear into hatred, and that's how I get rid of my fears to to hate something in, basically to kill it off. And that's how I get rid of my fears and being gay and being Asian in this country. You sometimes hate that as well, and it sometimes angers me of how people's perceptions are and how sometimes how [00:14:00] narrow minded they can be. It's not to say that I'm very broad minded and stuff like that. Malaysia is sort of a multicultural society anyway, and you accept change. You accept people being different, and people here that don't accept people being different. It's is very much conservative. And that's what angers me. I'm [00:14:30] afraid, afraid none of the bad things that may happen, but of the good things that may happen that I won't be able to cope with. I'm afraid the no kind of arguments why something won't happen will actually come to nought if they do happen. So the energy that I expend on not pursuing [00:15:00] dreams or goals or relationships if I so want them, um, has shown up to be bit of a waste of energy.
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