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I was very touched early last week when Cole Mars, who's one of the speakers we're going to hear from tonight. One of the new voices, uh, sent me a message, and he said that success for events like this is not measured quote in awards or dollars, but in lives touched and made creatively richer and joyous. And I think that's a very important thing. And I think it's something that has motivated all of us in putting together this this festival. Our [00:00:30] hope really with this festival is that it will lead to more. Um, we hope to engage with a wider group of writers, ideally, with some coming from overseas. Already, we've had quite a significant interest from writers from out of New Zealand, and we'd look to engage with thorny contemporary issues that enliven and engage our LGBT Q I community. So, in a way, this festival, [00:01:00] um, which you're at the very beginning of, is a taste that we hope for things to come. Thank you so much for all being here on this opening night. Hey, Thank you. Peter. Our first speaker this evening is Joanne Drayton. Joan is witty. She is smart as smart as a dime. And she is a great talker. Joanne Drayton is an acclaimed biographer of two very different crime writers Noah Marsh [00:01:30] and Anne Perry. Please, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Well, I'm not quite sure whether, um, this qualifies me as a girly SWAT or a cheat, but I've actually got two books. Um, So, um, the the two books that I've I've got here, uh, and and this might prove that a little bit of the girly swat is true. Um uh, a woman in white. So I'm just I'm just gonna talk mostly [00:02:00] about women in white, but also, um, other women by Lisa. So women and white. Um, just to prove that there's something very special about the real thing. Um, I, I should show you this book because it's it's it says up here high school, and it was presented to dry. Can you believe it? For geography? I knew much more about where I was then than I do now. Um, [00:02:30] but I So I so, for fifth form geography, they really, um I. I think the school didn't know what they were doing when they gave me this book because In fact, it didn't teach me so much about, um, geography as about perhaps myself. Um, so it's it was wonderful to pull it out again to, um, look at it and to to to actually just realise that I read it twice when I was in the form once, uh, because I felt like I should, uh, after [00:03:00] getting it as a prize and the second time because I really wanted to relive the experience of reading it. And so well, it's It's a book. What? The woman in White is a book by Wookie Collins. Um, and I'll, I'll just make sure I'm not gonna talk too long. Um, and it's interestingly enough, it's It's I didn't realise this. I did. You know how the weird things all the bits of bits of your life kind of come together as you get older and you look look at it and you can start seeing the picture and you realise where where the pieces are missing. Um, but this with the woman in white was actually [00:03:30] considered, um, to be amongst the first, um, mystery novels. So even then, when I was the geography student at high school, I was interested in in in my novels. And this is, um, one of the first sort of sensation novels. So I got a real sensation, but probably not the one they are intending. Um, so it's it's, um it's, um it's it. It kind of has that slew thing thing. And it it's it's it has, uh, Walter Hart, right? Who's, um Who kind of, [00:04:00] um, has to unravel this mystery about the woman in white. And, um, to, um, free the heroine and to, um, marry her. But there it's a threesome, actually. And, um, what happens is, um, the woman white, um, has 322 women that that I think were really, really interesting to me. One was, um Marriam Halcomb. And the other, of course, was the main character, um, Laura and, uh, Laura [00:04:30] Marian Halcomb is a is A is a fascinating character because the the the relationship that that kind of really jumped out of it for me was this. They were half sisters. And it was the tenderness and the the commitment and the the the passion, which was with which, um, Marion tries to help, um, her actually less. Um, this amazing um, half sister to, um, uh, be [00:05:00] be, uh, restored. And, um and, uh, uh, kind of redeemed in a way. So, um, I want I don't want to give you a plot summary, but II I hadn't quite realised what it was that that really about Marion That that really made me kind of turn the light on for me. And when I was reading just just just as a sort of preparation, um, And I I knew I couldn't read the whole book. Um, I, uh, the first, the first thing I I kind of I double clicked on [00:05:30] was gender bender. Now, I didn't realise this at the time, but first off, Marion looks. Marion's looks are emphasised a lot. Um, perhaps overemphasised she's got, um, a a hot bod. So she's got a great figure. Um, according to Walter and Fosco, that's a couple of the characters. But you'd think she got the head of Medusa the way people act around her. So here's a quote. Never was the old convention conventional maxim that nature [00:06:00] cannot earn more. Flatly contradicted. Never was the fear promise of a lovely figure more strangely and startlingly belied by the face and head that crowned it. So this is Marion. Poor Marion. Um, the lady complexion was almost swarthy. The dark down on her upper lip was almost a moustache. She had a large firm, masculine mouth and jaw, and I hadn't even remembered that. But I knew I liked her already. Um, [00:06:30] so So she so Marion on being outright masculine, um, in her looks. And that's reflected in her behaviour, too. Marian even describes herself as unfeminine. She's intelligent. She likes chess and arguing. She probably likes to talk a lot. And she can do, um she can't do those, typically femine and female things like play the piano or draw. So she was She was appealing to me. She turned the [00:07:00] light on, but it was really this, um It was this relationship between her and her half sister. It wasn't actually the romance in this book that got me because the romance was typically heterosexual, but it But it was so typical of the way way that my generation, or at least, uh, people brought up in Christchurch and and very sort of middle class backgrounds had to go and mine for anything that kind of spoke to them about their identity or about their evolving. Um so it was a matter of reading between the lines or reading into the lines. Your [00:07:30] story placing your passion, your commitment to to, um, sort of same. Same really, in a way. And that's what I was exploring at the time. Now it did take me many more years to actually fully turn the light on. And I in fact, I was 33 before, um, II I and and married to an Anglican minister. I have to admit, uh, before I really, um, switched that neon light on properly and and fell out of the car closet. But, [00:08:00] um, but the thing is, that already, um, I. I was looking to find the traces of the stories that I could relate to the the stories that touched me and and in a way, um, I found I was surprised. I thought, Surely this is Wilke cons. Surely he must know he's writing a lesbian relationship here, and he must do that and and they The thing is they lived happily ever after. And maybe that's what I thought. My marriage. That's probably perhaps that's what I thought that was gonna happen, but obviously it didn't, Um, which [00:08:30] was a good thing. Um, I could say that, Um but but the thing is that in a way, um, I. I was looking for those readings. I was looking for those stories, and I don't think they were there in the same way in the 19 seventies as they are now. I'm sure that's that's the truth. Um, and it was and it was really, um, and I so So, in a way, I had to find my stories in stories that were basically written for someone else. They were other love stories. They were other detective [00:09:00] stories. There were other things. Um, and and, you know, there might have been a lot more people, um, reading the well of loneliness. But in Christchurch at high school, they did not give that as the prize for geography. So So And I know you'll be surprised about that, but but But when I and when I did read, um, something that was more, uh, you know, finally, I found found and maybe I had some. I am I was homophobic, you know? And I mean, I probably hated myself. [00:09:30] I'm sure, but I mean, when I bought these books, I actually had to sneak in And I I didn't want anyone to see me because I thought other women. Mm. You know, I mean, this was the 19 seventies where you didn't even touch someone. You know, even if they fell over you, you left them there on the side. You know, you just especially if they were the same sex. You just let them die. And it was fine. You just in case someone thought you might be a lesbian or or or or gay. So, um, but this is in Christchurch, I have to say, but so other women IIII I struggled to buy this book, Uh, because [00:10:00] it was, um because, you know, because II I already knew that I had some sort of, you know, because I had already read the one before, which I also struggled to buy. But I bought that more by accident. But this, um, this one, this is kind of typical of I think the books that you could read, um, that were about, um uh, same sex relationships and women, particularly women's same sex relationships, which I think have always been more pro problematic. And perhaps more deeply, uh uh, I, I don't know, kind of difficult for society, but [00:10:30] but, um I, I don't want to read the whole thing, but basically, um the woman that sort of thinks that she could be, um, lesbian or or or thinks that she has these difficult relationships with other women, and she goes into therapy and you'll be really pleased to know she was cured. Uh, pretty much by the end of it. So I think I think that that's the other kind that there are. And that's partly why? Because, um, I was always disappointed. They always came right in the end. You know, they were they were always more [00:11:00] or less cured. So So it was a It was kind of, you know, just give me a whack when I need to go. Um, Ok, ok, so, um, it's all right. Yeah. OK, so So I think so. It's time. One minute. Ok, Right. Ok, well, really, uh, I think I think that's I think that's the the the the two things. I think that that that I had to read and find those stories and other stories that were conventionally written or intended for another audience. And then when I did find those stories that that traced parts [00:11:30] and and aspects of, um, that passionate relationship between two women, um, it was it was always portrayed in a negative way. It was always framed as a pathology, as as as problematic or the ones that I I was reading. And so I think I think that left my life very much, um, more confused than then. Then it turned the light on because I think the books we were reading in some ways were not actually helping [00:12:00] direct us to to, uh, to new stories to possible future stories for ourselves. Um, but, um, you know it It finally did Dawn the light. Um, but And these and these are the stories that I look back on as formative, um, in that process. So, look, thank you very much. I hope, I hope. Yeah. Thank you. To stand is not compulsory. If you [00:12:30] have something wrong with your legs, I'm more than happy to come and sit on them. I'm sure you'll stand extremely quickly then. Thank you, Joe. Next up, we've got Paul Diamond. Paul is a writer. He's a journalist and a broadcaster and curator. Maori at the Turnbull Library. His books include a biography of Maggie Papakura, and he's looked at the Fascinatingly murky world of the mayor of who, in 19 in the 19 twenties was dumped from office for making a pass at the poet [00:13:00] Darcy Creswell. The ex mayor was later shot on the streets of Berlin. It's a movie waiting to happen, and we hope that Paul writes it. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Paul. Well, um, it's wonderful that this is happening. And it was, um it was even more exciting to be asked to be part of it. And, um, well, and doesn't need to feel embarrassed about having two books. [00:13:30] I've actually got three, but but mainly talking about one. And I guess you need to I need to sort of preface the what? I'm gonna tell you about these books about a bit of context about the time that I'm talking about. And I guess it's the time when I was coming out. And so we're talking about the late eighties and the early nineties for which, for someone, um, born in 1968 is a bit of a late run. But, um, you know, for those of you who who can't remember that as clearly as I can, you know, it's it was a very different sort of landscape. Legally, it was very different. There was [00:14:00] there were no civil partnerships. There was no marriage. There was no legal protection. That was and it was before really just on the cusp of decriminalisation. And as a result, the social attitudes were really, um, different. And it wasn't as commonplace, I guess, bordering on banal. Actually, at times, as as things are now, and in the Hutt Valley where I was growing up, it was like it didn't exist. And the gap between these books I'm going to tell you about and what I'd grown up with was really, [00:14:30] really, really large. Because if you had role models at all, they were either, uh, ridiculous or tragic and violent. So you had, um, John Inman as Mr Humphries on. Are you being served because in in New Zealand, then? Well, there was initially one channel, two channels, then three, but everyone watched the same things. So there was that. And then there was Hudson and halls locally here. But it was like they were not completely real, especially in Stokes Valley in the in the Valley. Or there was my mother's cousin, who was [00:15:00] a theatre nurse and who would sort of murmur, You know, they'd have these murmured conversations about tragic relationships that ended in violence in the, um, in the A&E department on a Saturday night in the Hut hospital. So there was that sort of vague sense, but overall, the message was, Well, it was almost it was never really spoken, But it was. The idea was, if you if you go down that path, you're letting yourself into a sad, lonely, tragic life. So it was a revelation to find out about books that that showed other ways of being. And I guess I mean, [00:15:30] um, you always those things that, um, were around in the period when you do come out, I guess do have a very big influence on you. And so many, many people will be familiar with this dangerous desires, which, um as PE Diamond Wellington 1992 which was when I was flatting in Wellington, and it really was one of those cases of I think everyone else had figured that this man should come out before he did. Um but But so again, a bit of a It was a late run, but when I sort of got [00:16:00] to it, this had just come out. And I remember sitting in my bedroom at my flat in being too nervous to take him to the lounge, um, reading it and and it was a revelation. And and and just this idea that there were these other other sort of realities that it was not necessarily tragic. And sometimes they were even happy endings. And they were different lives to mine. I mean, they weren't set in the valley, but, um but but it was still inspiring different sorts of role models. And then, um, I have a friend in Wellington who's [00:16:30] the same age as me, but came out 10 years before me. So I like to think of him as my sort of fairy godmother because it was a case of I mean, he was responsible for my culture education in those early years, and we both grew up in that valley. But he was a lot more worldly than I was then So he said, Haven't you heard of a mo And haven't you heard of the tales of the city? And you know So it was all this catching up that I had to do so wolf those down And they are I know a woman who reads the Nancy Mitford trilogy The Pursuit of Love and and the other two books In that series She reads those Every now and again I read the tales of the city Every [00:17:00] now and again I just sort of when I when I need a boost Those are the books I go back to And that was about this whole different imagining of urban living and different sorts of people living together in a place like Barbary Lane. So that was exciting. But then the then, what was another project that Peter well had a lot to do with? Best mates, gay writing and a New Zealand. This wonderful anthology. Very brave book. Um, there's a whole story. A lot of people here will know about it that the use of the image on the cover and then [00:17:30] the bravery about a highlighting the work of those three Well, the non appearance of the work by those three writers whose literary executives wouldn't allow it to be included in that anthology then. But for me personally, one of the most significant things about this book, and if you haven't I know it won't be in print, I guess. But it's, um, a wonderful, wonderful book for for lots of reasons. But for me personally, it was when I came across this, um, story that was alluded to this little paragraph. If one looks back to the 19 twenties, one comes across what looks like a typical literary [00:18:00] and sexual conundrum. Darcy Creswell, who lived from 18 96 to 1960 was a Canterbury born poet who was as famous for the for the ornateness of his poetry as he was for going door to door during the Depression and hocking off his poems. Before this, however, in 1920 he had acted as a homosexual Asian provocateur. He lured the mayor of into homosexual indiscretion in the local art gallery. The mayor and desperation attempted to murder Creswell. This led to the remarkable osmosis by which the mayor of a small yet rather elegant riverside [00:18:30] city in New Zealand lost his name his fortune, his country. We next find him in a Communist journalist and the game maker of Berlin, where he was shot by the police. This dramatic trajectory hints at the extraordinary lives of some earlier homosexuals who were pushed beyond silence and discretion. So, um, I read that, and that was sort of fizzing away in my head. And then when Gareth, Roger and I were working at Radio New Zealand together, Prue Laine, who is a drama producer there, had just read about this and Michael King's history of New Zealand, She said, Have you heard about [00:19:00] that? That May and that story and I said, Oh, yeah, yeah, No, I I'd known about it for earlier because of this, and she said, Why don't we make a radio programme? So we we decided to make a radio programme and had it commissioned. The trouble was, there was really no one to talk to because it had happened in 1920. Everyone was dead, except for the mayor's daughter, who, because I was a coward, I got through to ring it, Um, and, um and she said, Stop this at once. Who's your boss? So, um But we did get a sense that she was [00:19:30] very protective of her father. So we sort of Oh, we've got no one to interview but we So we started going through the archives, and in the meantime, I left radio and started working at the Ministry for Culture and Heritage. Where I was my boss was the chief historian Bronwyn Daly, who's actually a a expert in history of sexuality and crime. And she's from, like, actually, quite a lot of, um, historians are and she said to me, Don't try and solve this But look at the effect it had on other gay men and Wanganui and in New Zealand. And then you [00:20:00] suddenly start to see all of these New Zealand gay men popping up in London and and other parts of Europe in the twenties. So Bronwyn suggestion was, you know, was this used as a way of keeping men in line like behave or look what? Look what happened to the mayor, the mayor of Whanganui. It's hard to imagine how rich and prosperous and significant Wanganui was then. It's kind of like an amalgam of Hamilton and Palmerston, but more elegant and but in terms of its economic clout. Um, then it was a hugely powerful thing, so I think it would have. It really did rattle [00:20:30] people. So the other reason it was a bit tricky to work out what to do with this is there's so many kind of angles to it. The mayor said in court that he'd been treated for his homosexuality, which looks like it was hypnosis and a thing called auto suggestion, which was quite popular in 1914. And there's also this obliteration of his name. So they sounded his name off the sergeant gallery. They destroyed his portrait. His wife and daughters all changed their name back to the maiden name. He's written out of the histories of Wanganui. Now he's probably one [00:21:00] of well, actually, Wanganui does have quite a few, um, extreme mayors, but, um, but But now he's a lot. He's a well, a historian there said he's actually become a bit of a cult, but it's great to be able to be here, actually, to acknowledge there's various people here who have supported me and encouraged me in this. The, um, my boss at the Turnbull Library teases me that this is my life's work. I'm hoping that I do finish it before my life is over. I'm actually gonna be going to Germany after Easter to spend a bit more time chasing Charles Mackay and and perhaps Darcy Cresswell as well. There [00:21:30] is an essay in the books that Carol's got out there about the war telling the story from the point of view of the Great War, which actually goes a long way to explain how the two guys connected and, um possibly a motivation, because no one's ever been able to prove that. How did the How did Darcy Chris will know that the mayor was gay and be able to confront him and say Resign or else? And then the mayor shot him. But the challenge, uh, that I'm up against at the moment is to to finish this darn book. And so it would be quite inspiring if at a future, um, same same, but different conference in the not too distant future, [00:22:00] I was actually able to stand here and tell you about the actual book. Thank you, Paul. OK, number three we've got Susannah Walker. Susanna is the editor of the Metro magazine, which is a seminal position of power in the Auckland's Queen City. It is a great pleasure to have her here speaking. Please make some noise for Suzanne. [00:22:30] I'm actually on deadline and in the throes of deadline. Um, at the moment, which means, um, my mind has been fully occupied with that and will be this weekend. But, um, So what I have done is just at the very early hours of the morning have flown. Flung down, um, my story, I guess, uh, in part And [00:23:00] also not that it's a competition, but three magazines and one book that turn the light on it might be up to 20 but yeah. So, um, if you'll forgive me, the less, um you know, the the more formal style. I've just gotta read what I hope makes sense. It's 1979 and I'm 13 years old. I live in Inglewood, population 3000 in the shadow [00:23:30] of Mount Taranaki. Nothing ever happens, except for a murder. Now and then. I'm in the third form at Inwood High School. I'm consistently good at English and I totally suck in maths. I'm a dreamer who reads while everyone else my age seems to be playing sport, and I have one favourite in fact, the only on trend outfit, which I wear as much as I possibly can. A pair of skin jeans, anyone my age might remember those you had to lie on your bed to get [00:24:00] the zip up and a boob tube. Needless to say, those days are gone. Um, I'm not allowed to get my ears pierced because Mum thinks it's common, but I compensate with an aggressive middle part and force it flicks and the fourth of five Children. Mum's an artist, but in 1979 she is swamped by the demand demands of motherhood. Dad's the company secretary for a dairy company. I don't know what that [00:24:30] means, so I just tell people he's an accountant. Our house is directly opposite Dad's office. He just has to cross the road, and he's at work. He likes to pop home for a nice piece of homemade ginger slice and a cuppa and a listen to the national programme on the Baker Light radio, which sits on the lower shelf of one of our many bookcases. My mother is a voracious reader. My father isn't, but sometimes he gets a copy [00:25:00] of Playboy for Christmas as a joke. A lot changes when I'm 13. My sterling career as a brownie is in the past. Now I was in the fairies Club or whatever a sub tribe of brownies is called, and brown owl just loved it when we chanted our motto, I'm a fairy, good and gay, helping others every day. Eventually, [00:25:30] I graduate to girl guides, but once I'm a teenager, I leave all that shit behind. However, I still have my girl guide box, so to speak. The box is what you put your stuff in when you're forced to go to girl guide camps because clearly a suitcase is far too easy. One's box is homemade to exacting girl guide specifications. Dad conjures one up in the garage, and [00:26:00] Mum neatly inscribes my name in white on the lid. It's in the girl guide box, which now sits gathering dust under the desk in my bedroom that I hide Dad's playboy after stealing it from the top of his wardrobe. Today, I can only recall one image from that magazine, but I remember it very vividly. It's a double page spread of an orgy. There are at least 20 men and women naked, sprawling, writhing, sucking, [00:26:30] stroking and entering in every possible configuration. It's deeply shocking and profoundly exciting, and I spend a great deal of time in my room pondering the ins and outs of it all. It turns my light on, and then I go and stay with my best friend Linda. She's, uh, she's just around the corner and I go and stay there for the weekend. I'm getting kind of bored with Linda, actually, because she's still mad about horses and I've obviously [00:27:00] I've moved on. I going to stay at Linda's is a bit of a treat because it gives me a break from the one activity I'm permitted to do without parents Parental supervision. Attend a rabid Christian youth group. So after a weekend of watching Linda ride her pony, I tear myself away to find Gran. Visiting from [00:27:30] the big smoke of New Plymouth has taken it upon herself to give my bedroom a jolly good clean up. Of course, she has rooted around in the girl guide box, and, of course, she found the playboy proving you're never too old to be a doer. Gran tells my parents for years, they delight in making oblique references while I writ in embarrassment. Thankfully, the orgies already see it on my [00:28:00] brain when my crime is unmasked, so I can return to it any time I want without fear of being found out. It's an amusing anecdote to share with you tonight, but I wonder now about that merging of sex and shame back when I was 13 years old and how that shaped me. But two more illuminating magazines were to follow. At 14, I'm curled up in the lazy Boy with Mum's new copy of the listener When I come across a story about [00:28:30] a youthful yodelling duo from Hump. Oh, I've never read anything about lesbians before or, as far as I know, laid eyes on any either. I reckon the top twins look in 19 eighties, ultra cool and spunky. Then Mom walks in and sees what I'm reading. They do things to each other, you know, she mutters darkly. By the [00:29:00] time the top twins arrived courtesy of the listener, I was a budding feminist. Despite there being no books on the subject in the Ood Public Library, it was simply a kind of knowing kissing boys may have been my favourite hobby at the time, but men ran most things in my world, and I didn't like it. I don't recall how I came across Broadsheet New Zealand's monthly feminist magazine, but I asked for and received a subscription for my 16th birthday. [00:29:30] I think we can safely assume I was the only subscriber in at the time. Broadsheet published my dreadful poetry, but most importantly, it gave me access to a world I could actually relate to. I felt different to my friends, and not just because I was determined not to be a farmer's wife. And then there was a bulk. According to my memory. I read it when I was 18, the year I left home for the bright lights of Palmerston North [00:30:00] a couple of weeks back in Taranaki for the weekend, I found this book in my parents' bookcase running Backwards Over Sand, a novel by the New Zealander Stephanie Dori, who co-founded the women's press in London during the seventies. Turning its pages, I discovered it was in fact, published in 1986 when I was 20. Mum's name and our old address [00:30:30] are written on the fly leaf. Until last week. I hadn't read this book for 30 years, but as with Playboy, I had retained a single vivid image, despite it being primarily about the course of a heterosexual relationship. What I remembered was a sex scene between two women. Exotic, confident Claudine. I even remember her name and an avowed lesbian and previously heterosexual Zoe, [00:31:00] a young woman from a small New Zealand town in the throes of discovery. Self discovery. The sex was explicit and consuming and joyous for all three of us. It was the first time I'd read about women fucking and it blew my mind. I like to think, looking back down the decades that running backwards over sand served as a kind of road map for me for what was possible. [00:31:30] Within months, I left New Zealand for the first time on my own small town girl self discovery mission. And I met my first female lover. Returning from overseas just before my 21st birthday, I clumped off the plane in New Plymouth and my doc Martins, sporting a buzz cut with the bristles dyed blue black. You look like a blowfly, his mum [00:32:00] charming. She then refused to speak to me for three days. When talks resumed, she told me the buzz cut was not the only thing that had shocked her. When I got off that plane, it was as if you had lesbian tattooed across your forehead, she said. It wasn't until last week rereading running backwards over sand that I realised [00:32:30] my mother hadn't come up with that immortal line herself. She had lifted it straight from this book. Page 319, to be precise. Thanks. Oh, thank you, Susanna. [00:33:00] Yeah, speaking number four is Douglas Lloyd Jenkins. Douglas Lloyd Jenkins is a design historian who reintroduced modernism to New Zealand through at home. A century of New Zealand of design. He's always got a definite point of view, something that scares the wits out of most people. But at least he knows what he's talking about. Please, ladies and gentlemen, Douglas Lloyd Jenkins. Thank you, everyone. Thank you for being here. And, [00:33:30] uh, thank you for the invitation. I'm in an interesting position of being, of course, the partner of the festival director. But I was saying to another writer, I've never been invited to a writers' conference that he wasn't the uh, festival director of So, um, I'm very pleased to be here. This is about a particular light going on, and I suppose it's about that realisation that you can have an opinion and you won't die from it. Um, the story is set in the English [00:34:00] department in Auckland University in the 19 nineties, and I can't help but notice that there are two lecturers from that department in the room. So all names have been removed and you can play a guessing game. Uh, in the early 19 nineties, I returned to university to complete a degree that I had earlier abandoned. And as part of this, I had to, uh, complete some English literature papers. And I remember, um, talking to the head of the department and begging that I didn't have to do linguistics because I had no intention of [00:34:30] carrying on in English literature in any way. And, um, which is a bit strange since I became a writer, Um, I'd come back to finish an abandoned, uh, first degree and then to get a second degree that would allow me to teach in a tertiary, uh, design school, which is where I was then working. I was a little bit older than most students, but not significantly so. And I wasn't yet. What I later learned was called a cow. A conscientious older woman student, Um, those people that ask questions [00:35:00] when the teenagers were just like the tutorial to end. Um, in my first round at University, I hadn't been very interested in writing or writing essays, but more in the romance and the drinking and the parties. And most essays were written the night before they were due when the only book you could get from the library on the subject had been published in 1936 because everyone else had got the these out months ago. Um, part of the reading for this new English department [00:35:30] course was, uh, my my engineer by the American writer Will of whom I then knew knew nothing. And I'll just read the little blurb off the back. Uh, an enduring classic. My An Engineer is the unforgettable story of an immigrant woman's life on the hard scrabble Nebraska Plains. Through Jim Burden's affectionate reminiscence of his childhood friend, this free spirited Antonia, a larger, uniquely American portrait, emerges both of the community struggling with [00:36:00] unforgiving terrain and of a woman who, amid great hardship, stands as a time of inspiration. Uh, will Cather is a writer of what's become known as the novel, and they if you've never read her, they They're simple, beautiful, lyrical, uh, lovely lovely novels. Um, and this is her breakthrough novel, and it first appeared in 1915, and I read this today. It was initially credited with revealing to America that the people of the Midwest had interior [00:36:30] lives when American literature was focused on the East Coast or was better still living and working in England. Um, I quite like that idea that, you know, this is this period with the people in the Midwest, and maybe we still think of them as sort of ciphers. Anyway, I've pretty much gone through school resenting, and I still do resent being made to read anything. Um, in particular when I was a young person, it's because I had a self. I was a a strong reader, and I read a lot, [00:37:00] and I didn't like being told to put down what I was reading by a teacher to read what they wanted me to read. Um, so Usually I just really read enough of the book and even resent, uh, went to Cole's notes just to pass the exam, and my engineer changed all that. Um, it was a It's a story told retrospectively of a young orphan boy growing up in Nebraska and as the observations of a young bohemian girl who's four years older than him called Antonia. It's full of difficult [00:37:30] emotional territory and some tragic stuff. Antony's father commits suicide, Um, because of his homesickness, and it's full of rural hardship and misery. But the one thing that excited my imagination is that the book has two stories within stories, and one of these is the story of Peter and and I'm gonna tell you the story, um, in my own words because, uh, that I'll explain why a little bit later, the way I saw it, Peter and Pa were two incredibly handsome young Russian [00:38:00] boys who grew up together being madly in love. And they, um, one of them announced one day that he was going to marry, and the other one said, Well, you know, yeah, that's OK. I'll be your best man, Um, that they were married. He married this girl. And on the way home from the wedding, they were riding a sleigh through the snow and, uh, they attacked by wolves, and, uh, they throw all the laggard overboard. But the the pack of wolves is chasing them, and they realise that they are going to be destroyed by the [00:38:30] wolves. So they chuck the bride over, she's eaten by the wolves and they ride off to America. Now, the important thing that I only realise today is that's not what happens in the book. Um, it's closed, but it's not quite. But that's the story I've had in my brain for 25 years, so I'm sticking with it for a minute. So if there's any cat scholars in the room and I know there is one, sorry about that. Uh, it excited me because the novel seemed to be me. It seems to be about cat suggesting there were possibilities [00:39:00] in life. And if you looked around in the community that you lived, people were doing and thinking differently and and you could you could latch on to them or or understand their model, and this might not have meant very much except the University question list popped onto my, um was handed out and it said, Discuss the importance of gender and sexuality in my and I still do not know what to this day. What answer they were expecting to that question, but it obviously wasn't mine. [00:39:30] I decided for the first time in my life that I would write a queer interpretation of the novel, and I'd never really done anything like that. I never done anything like it. It was a literary coming out in a dive into scary territory. So not only did I read the novel twice, I did what was then called a close reading, which universities probably still are very fond of close readings. But not only did this did I read my engineer, I wrote Read a Pioneers and the strangely titled One [00:40:00] of Ours that preceded and the major novels that post dated the professor's house. And the death come for the Archbishop, which I found a lovely gay couple of two Catholic priests who live happily together. And I would recommend that's a lovely book. I scoured my engineer and I discovered by cross referencing that with the the new uh Elman Biography Oscar Wilde that the town in Nebraska in which the novel set is the very town that Wild had passed through on his American, uh, house beautiful [00:40:30] tour, and he had used it to pose for photographs behind bars in the local jail. So it was a lovely reference there, Um, I even correlated certain phrases Kay used against the writings of Freud. So I really was going deep. I remember dealing with the kiss between Jim and Antonia that many saw as the climax of the novel and describing it as a lifeless pick that had been overhyped by heterosexual interpreters. [00:41:00] I thought I was pretty grown up. Uh, today I read, uh, Cather scholar, saying, uh, that very rarely represents a heterosexual relationship with that has any romance or sexual glow to it. So I don't feel so bad about that sentence now, and we're talking in the early nineties, and, um, Kaha was then a mystery figure. Um, she had on her death, insisted on the destruction of all her personal papers, and very few critics or writers were being exploring what is now pretty widely accepted. That [00:41:30] was a lesbian. Then you had to. You could only deal with phrases like she was intensely private. She was unmarried and she burnt all her private papers. And you had to join the dots together, which left you pretty wide open. There was a little help, and I found a book called A Life Saved Up by Her Lee, which helped. And I wrote my essay. I dropped it in the in the lecturer's box. I waited for a few days, got on with my life. And then it came with a big round circle and [00:42:00] a giant and enormous C minus the very mark that the drunken party boy used to get when he was in stage one for essays churned out overnight. There are also some pretty weird comments written on it. One said I suspect, was never dim enough to fall for Freud. Um, Hermione is a dangerous Hermione. Lee is a dangerous woman. Be careful and most repeatedly, really Christian Mark. I was completely devastated because I felt I had [00:42:30] been serious but not taken seriously. So I decided to take the paper to the convenor of the course and asked her to read it. She did, and she passed it around some other department people and came back and said to me, Lovely to my ears. That's an A plus in my class and an A minus from another colleague. She also secretly quietly said, You did give this to the worst possible person in the department so fired up. I made an appointment to see the lecturer who had marked it, and when I rang, he said, Oh yes, [00:43:00] I was expecting this call. So the day came from my appointment and I got there early. I'm always punctual. I sat there until the exact second of the appointment time. I had all the novels, all the books, all the post. It marks all the references I knocked on the door, the voice said. Come as they do come, I opened the door, tripped over the carpet, fell sprawling head first into the room for dropping all my books on the papers and on the floor, only to realise that [00:43:30] the room was occupied by another student. I was made to pick up my papers and go sit outside and sweat for another 10 minutes. Eventually I got my say my piece and we argued point by point, the only concession I recall making was that it was agreed that Peter and once they did move to Nebraska, did share a bed, and I remember having to prove it. By finding the page reference. He agreed to reconsider the the the piece, and it came back [00:44:00] to me a fortnight later with another big red circle and the grade B minus. I didn't go further, but I realised that writing gay hadn't destroyed me. It had made me, and there's just a little epilogue. Years later, I met MII Lee and by then a major literary biographer, and I was once I was able to tell her she'd once been described as a dangerous woman. She loved it. 20 years later, the same lecturer contacted me by email [00:44:30] out of the blue to ask a question about my professional life in the museum. And he started off saying, I realise we still disagree about that essay, and I thought 20 years later, and it's still bugging him. How many essays is that guy read? And mine is still playing on his mind. Um, and I said to him this. I considered that to be one of the most important moments in my life because I realised I had a voice of my own, and I thank you for it. I subsequently wrote every university [00:45:00] essay seriously, but not always with a queer point of view. And I developed a queer sensibility in my own writing that is still there today. As a lecturer, I soon realised I also realised a very important thing that the B minus is the perfect grade. No student ever complains about one. And though it was in that moment writing about Willa Cather that I learned that I could write as a homosexual or as a gay man, it took me another 20 years to realise it was OK to dress like one. Thank you. [00:45:30] Nice work. Next up we have Paula Bock. Paula is what's known as a great all rounder, a one time cricket player for Otago, the founder of the Long Acre press and award winning author of the Young Adults novels Dear Truth or Promise and Out Walked Man. She's also writing and producing some great television stories. [00:46:00] Please, ladies and gentlemen, Paula Bach, thank you very much some familiar faces in this audience. So, um, it's very nice to see some of you again, Some of you after a long time. Um and I'm very privileged to be on this panel of such talented and interesting people and lots of lots of chimes [00:46:30] for me so far. And what other people have said, Um, I remember Susanna coming back in 1981 from England, having left as a, um, a young, long haired hippie and a, um some dress from friend a pan or some shop in Dunedin like that and arriving back with a buzz cut, Um, and a Pakistani liberation front scarf and a beret and walking [00:47:00] straight past my well, my father walked straight past me, didn't didn't know who I was. And, um, I was a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding the very next week, and we all wore hats. Um, I have sort of approached this slightly differently because there was for me, no book that turned the light on. There was a light that turned the book on, but there there was no book that I remember, and I stood in front of my bookshelves [00:47:30] scanning them because, like other people like Paul, for example, growing up in the South Island in the 19 seventies, 19 sixties, 19 seventies. They really, really I came out before literature came out. Really? For me, there was no literature that led me there. I went looking for resonances. I went looking for code, and we're all very good at code, aren't we? And I when I look back [00:48:00] at, it's actually my childhood reading that always has those resonances for me. And there were two books that I want to talk about. Briefly, quickly. Um, so the first one is, uh, this little book called The Adventures of Pinocchio. You know it. And I know what you're thinking. Is it the nose that grows uncontrollably that makes this queer literature? Um, is it that it's a boy [00:48:30] made of wood? No. Well, not for me. Although you can, of course, take what you like from books because it's all about what you put into them, which is one of the reasons I like being a reader. And I also love being a writer. The book is interpreted so differently by everybody, and I'm sure that, um Carlo colo never expected anyone to find in Pinocchio what I did. Um, but it's there. It took me years to work out why this book [00:49:00] I found so compelling, so distracting, actually so disturbing and moving. And years later, I realised when I read on the cover the marionette who wanted to be a real boy. I was the girl who wanted to be a real boy. And as a child, um, well, there was no gay, no queer references, really, in my life, so queer wasn't part of it. It was [00:49:30] more about gender. That's how it came out. And, um, aside from Mr Humphries on, are you being served? And Hudson and halls? Really? There was There was no reference. I had no words. I had no characters. I had no stories to reflect the sense I had very early on very early on of being different. Um, but writers, thank God are very good about writing about misfits. And I wanted to be a real boy. I went to bed every night [00:50:00] praying that I would wake up a real boy just like Pinocchio. Pinocchio didn't actually become a real boy, mainly because the marionette and I'm assuming you all know the story. I'm not going to tell you, Um, because the, um because he was so naughty and selfish. And he went off and he did things like he sold his school book to go to the theatre, which sounds like an extremely reasonable thing to do. And he run off with a friend [00:50:30] called was one version candle Wick. But I remembered it Lamp wick, um, to toy land where they just played together forever for about five months, I think, um, until they both started to grow donkeys ears. Um, but if it was only a matter of being good and not turning into a donkey, I thought I would have become a real boy 100 times over. The disappointment in Pinocchio was wasn't that he kept getting it wrong [00:51:00] and didn't turn into a real boy and that he kept by his true excuse me by his true nature, getting into more and more impossible scrapes. It wasn't that that was disappointing. The most disappointing thing about this book and the reason it's niggled me for years and years, is that he did become a real boy. Pinocchio. Unlike all of us who identified with him, he was granted his wish by [00:51:30] the blue haired fairy, I must add, and he was transformed but he was transformed into what, And you can see how disappointed I was by what he got transformed into. He got transformed into the most conformist, boring, straight heteronormative little pissy little boy that you've ever seen. [00:52:00] And Dear Little Pinocchio. The marionette is there, broken and discarded on the floor on the last page of this book, and Pinocchio turned and looked at the Marion for a little while, and he said to himself, contentedly how ridiculous I was when I was a marionette and how glad I am that I have become a real boy. I was so pissed off for years that [00:52:30] niggled me. I didn't want to be that boy, not that boy. And of course, that book is not about sexuality. It's not really about the light being turned on. It's about me searching for the light. Really, it's it's about, but it is my the clearest way I had at that time of describing my sense of difference, and that came out as a dissatisfaction with my gender is probably more about the rules of gender in the [00:53:00] 19 sixties and seventies than gender per se. But the next wonderful thing that happened was this discovery of my next book, Pope. Perhaps the most significant book that cranked up that light in my life as a child. And it was this most derided of books. The famous five. And you know who I'm talking about, don't you? Because just like friends in the 19 nineties or Harry [00:53:30] Potter Now, if you had a Facebook page back in 1974 it would be which famous five are you, George? Dear George. Dear, dear George, I'm just gonna read you. This is the very first of the books. And this is when Anne meets George. And we all know about Anne. She was a complete sop, and all she wanted to do was dolls and clean and cook and look after the boys and make her mother [00:54:00] happy. And she was sort of slightly below Timmy in my list of which famous five character you were like. But when she met her, she called her Georgina. And she said, George says, I am not Georgina. I'm George Said the girl. I shall only answer if you call me George. I hate being a girl. I won't be. I don't like doing the things that girls do. I like doing the things that boys [00:54:30] do? I can climb better than any boy and swim further too. I can sail a boat as far as any Fisher boy on this coast. You're to call me George, and then I'll speak to you. But I shan't if you don't thank God for George. She saw me through.
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