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I've always known I've been gay. Um, I've always been in some sort of denial about it, thinking that it was wrong, Um, all the way, basically, through college, especially, um, I was always picked on, and people continually call me and so forth, and it's something you not a nice experience, but you really got no choice about it. And I suppose I just keep denying it whenever anyone told me that, and I think that was kind of my way of denying it myself. Um, basically, [00:00:30] I've known ever since I was 12 or 13. Um, during school, I had girlfriends. I never slept with him. I only had girlfriends because it was a fashionable thing to do. And then I left college, and at the age of 19, I went off to Polytech in Auckland. And, um, I had a chat to a counsellor there because things are starting to get me down because I was feeling really lonely. I had no one no one knew about me in one night. Um, [00:01:00] the council, the council just said to me, perhaps you should start relying on people and letting them know what what happens. So I rang my best friend and we had a long talk. I ended up in tears on the phone and I told him I've got something big to tell you and I came out to him and he was a bit shocked, but he was totally cool about it. He said, Look, I don't agree with it, but because you're my friend, I'll stick by you and give you as much support as what you need And that was really good. [00:01:30] I had him as a sounding board now, and I basically talk to him about any issues I had. Um I I still had this, um, need to meet someone of companionship thing. And so I started originally by placing an ad in one of the Auckland Game magazines, and I got a few replies. Life was quite difficult because I couldn't give them my home address. Um, in case my parents found out who I was still same with at the time. So I started meeting people [00:02:00] and started making up all sorts of weird and wonderful excuses to why I was going out this time of the night and why I had to borrow the car and so forth and then one day I just thought I had enough of this. I need to let my parents know what's going on with me, and I think I was about 21 22 when I came out to them. I did it through a letter. The main reason for that was because I had so much I wanted to say, and I knew that if I told my parents face to face, I'd end up in tears [00:02:30] and I would not be able to get across what I wanted to tell them. So I went to work one day, and with the help of my friend, I had told a year or so before I drafted a letter up and put down all my ideas and everything. Um, all my life, I was brought up as gay people are very bad people. You don't want to be around them. Um, don't associate with them, and that really made it hard for me. In fact, I was quite positive I was going to be thrown [00:03:00] out of home. I remember one night, especially during the news. They did a piece on the Sydney Mardi Gras and my father said a comment and passing. I think they should all be shot. They don't deserve to live. And that's sort of not the thing you want to hear, especially from someone who you really need to tell about you. So quite naturally, I was very nervous. Um, I showed the letter to my mother and I burst the tears and she read it and she cried [00:03:30] and she said, I don't want you to tell your father And I said Yes, I wanted her to. And so I left the house and she showed him the letter, and I came back half an hour later and my father was in tears and we sat down and we had a big talk about it, and he's fine about it now. Um, I think a lot of people tend to have their views. And it's not until they actually meet um, a homosexual person, that [00:04:00] they actually realise that gay people aren't actually bad people. They're just you and I. You pass them on the street, and it's not until you actually know someone who you can relate to and who you can talk to. That it actually had, because all you ever seem to see on television are the other raving queens. Use the expression and the very camp and flamboyant people and that, especially if my parents did not give a good view of the gay community. Um, I then promptly went out and started telling my friends [00:04:30] I was sure I would lose some friends. I had five or six very close friends. I always made the issue out to be big myself because it was such a traumatic thing for me to do. But one by one. As I told them, they all said it was fine. I felt absolutely stupid, burst into tears and telling someone and giving them a hug, and they sort of looked at me and said, Well, what's the big deal? And I think now when I tell people I'm a lot more casual about it, [00:05:00] and I've sort of come to the realisation that if they like you, they will like you regardless of your sexuality. And if they're your friend, they will be there regardless. And I think no matter who you come out to, you've just got to take that risk and if they're there for you, they will still be there for you. And if for some reason they don't, I don't know if they're really that much of your friend in the first place. My first sexual experience was through an ad. I place, um I was [00:05:30] extremely, extremely nervous. I knew I always wanted to be with another guy, but to be quite honest, I didn't really know what to do or how to go about doing it or how I should feel. I can always remember the ride driving to this guy's place. I was just shaking I. I knew I wanted to do it, but I didn't know what I would do when I got there. And we ended up just kissing for about two hours solid. And we both ended up with really sore lips. And [00:06:00] that was my first encounter. I saw this guy again. I. I don't know why, but we contacted each other again and we managed to fumble around. I suppose you'd call it, Um, we both took off all our clothes and played with each other, and but that was the extent of what happened. It's just the thing. Once as you get older and the more you do it, you you learn what you like, and you tend to head more towards that. But in those early days, [00:06:30] I really had no idea. Um, I had a lot of conflict, um, doing it simply because I had always been brought up a Christian, and it was always, always a big issue. I've I've done the wrong thing. I felt really dirty really bad. Um, at the time, my parents did not know and there was no one really I could talk to. I could talk to my best friend who I came out to, but as he [00:07:00] wasn't gay, he really had very little interest and wasn't really into listening about me and my first gay sexual experience. It took a while for the bad feeling to go. But once the feeling of guilt went and I actually started realising, Well, the hell I I did actually enjoy it. It made me feel a lot better. My message would be definitely do it. But be very careful. Um, it is a great thing when it goes smoothly, But don't [00:07:30] rush into it. If you are not sure, don't do it. But if you are sure your life will my life will particularly change very drastically because I had the support of the people behind me and give people the benefit of the doubt. I was absolutely positive I would lose my parents and most of my friends and I haven't lost a single person yet. And through people I've talked to, no one I know has actually lost anybody through telling them [00:08:00] the letter idea is a very good idea. I found it worked for me. You get all your ideas down on paper and you don't fumble. You don't get upset, but everybody's different.
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