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Basically, it's been something that I've always sort of felt. You know, Um, I never felt like I was anything different. You know, I've always been interested in boys, you know, from a very young age. Um, I used to collect pictures out of magazines, and I like the teen magazines like Smash hits and all that sort of thing. I used to collect the boy pictures and stick them in a diary and hide it from my mum. I used to stick it in this little journal and put it in. Um, put it out of my bed. Believe it or not, it's a silly [00:00:30] place to put it. My mum might have found it at some stage. Um, yes. And I sort of started dancing and doing entertainment type stuff, singing and acting when I was, like, nine. And that brought me out of my shell a little more. Um, and it was actually I had a performance one night. Um, and I had to wear this really bizarre chequered costume and there were some guys in the audience that were giving me hassles. They were calling out stuff, and, um, from the audience and stuff like that And [00:01:00] then it was actually in the car on the way home where my mother actually said to me, She says, You gotta be careful, you know, you can get yourself into trouble and Ra Ra Ra ra. And it was at this point, um, I think I was, like, 15 and ah, I was sitting there and I was like, gripping the handle of the car. And I'm just like, Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My was in my throat. My heart was turning 500 times to the minute to the minute, and I just sort of it sort of came out with it. I just it felt [00:01:30] right, so and I was nervous as hell. So I just did it. And I said, Mom, I'm gay. And her first response was Are you sure? And I said, I said yes, and probably one of the most empowered comments I've ever had in my entire life. And from there, yeah, Mom and I that was like about 10 o'clock at night. I think Mum and I stayed up till four o'clock in the morning just talking. God knows what we talked about, but we sort of we set [00:02:00] up chatting all night. You know, I sort of That was the first time I really poured my heart out to my mum about how I was feeling. Basically, Um, yeah, And after that, I sort of sort of dealt with the rest of my family. I suppose, Um, I didn't wanna tell my dad to start with My dad and I have never really had a fantastic relationship. Um, I was always a mummy's boy, which sounds a bit a bit, Um well, not it's not too bad. [00:02:30] Um, yeah. I've never heard they had a good relationship with my dad. Um, my brother was a very sports oriented person, so and as is my dad, So they had the sort of father son thing that was going on, and I'm just like, Yeah, OK, they can have that. And I was a little mummy's boy, which made me the the good cook that I am. I must say, she taught me everything she knows. Um, yeah. So I didn't want to tell Dad at first. And then Mum being mom, she, [00:03:00] um, likes to talk her problems out, and, you know, and how she's feeling and and chat. So she ended up telling my dad and my dad was quite shocked. And then Mum proceeded to tell the rest of the family, my grandparents and all that sort of stuff, and she would just tell me that she told them and I'd be like, Oh, thanks for that. Hm. Great. So, I, I really I had I only had to go through it once, um, when I was 15, so that was good. And I've had the support [00:03:30] of my family the whole way. I've had not one negative response from, um from my mum. My dad. My dad didn't understand it at first. Um, and it took him a couple of years to actually connect with me on the subject. I think we were actually watching a a programme on television one day, and some they had some gay issue on it. And I got up to leave the room because I really wanted to watch it and go into my bedroom and watch into my [00:04:00] room. And he said he actually said to me, No stay. We'll watch it. And I sort of looked at my mum and I think I started crying and it was like, Oh my God! So that was sort of the first time for Dad anyway, and that would have been about three years down the track. But anyway, back to my, um, back to my family, I said, No negative response from either set of grandparents or aunties or uncles or cousins or anything. Um, when I told my brother, Now this is a very funny story. I told my brother and he didn't believe me. He's like, You're such a bullshit artist, [00:04:30] and I'm going go and ask Mum, That was my my first sort of response was Go and ask Mum. And then I put out the outrage magazines and I said, Have a look at this. Why would I have these? And he didn't believe me to at at the start, I went through a lot a very, very hard time at school. Um, part of that was because, yes, I was a little bit effeminate. Um, I did do dance classes and singing classes, and, you know, that came across in my body language because I was, [00:05:00] um Well, as we grow, we adapt and we take on different things. Um, And as we learn different things we become who The people who we become. And, yeah, school is pretty bad for me in terms of the name calling and that sort of thing. Um, I look back now, and I think I really didn't want to be at school because of that. And in terms of my education, I don't [00:05:30] think I took in as much information as I probably could have or should have, Um, because of the fact that I didn't wanna be there. I spent a lot of recess and lunch time walking around the school yard by myself, and I was very isolated as a child, which is which is odd now, because I'm I'm very much a people person now, and I'll walk up to anyone and say hi, how are you going? Um, and I'm not shy anymore, but I used to be very much so. I used to be very, very scared of what people [00:06:00] thought of me and how I was perceived. Um, and that that actually is the one thing I think I had to get over in terms of me dealing with my homosexuality was being able to say I am me and I'm me because of everything that's happened in my life. And it doesn't bother me what you think because I'm a very special person, you know? And that sounds like I've had therapy, but I've had none. I'm just a very, [00:06:30] very smart person who knows how to put two and two together. Um, but yeah, so school school, I've sort of written off. I'm now 23 and it's been since 94 since I've left school and I keep in contact with no one I went to school with. I've basically left my hometown and got out and made something of my life. And it's very funny that I I hear on the grapevine through three different people through my brother and his friends, that their older brothers and sisters who I went to school with [00:07:00] are like, now married and have three Children and all this sort of stuff at like 23 which is which is a choice they make. But, you know, I just think, having known these people and having known their potential, um, I think some of it's very sad, But some of it well, if they chose that, then good for them. My first sexual experience. Oh, it was hideous. I think it was. [00:07:30] It was in a shopping centre. Believe it or not, it was just I look back now and I think, how could I have ever done it? But it was my first sexual experience, and it is as vivid now as it is not vivid. Vivid is not the right word. It is clear now to me now, as it was then and I I actually went to the public toilet, and I had a note slipped to me under the wall that said, I would like help masturbating. Can you help me? And I was like, Ah, OK, being the naive young idiot that I was, [00:08:00] So that was my first experience under the wall of a bloody toilet block. So yes, Um, my first real love making experience, I would have to say, was with a guy I actually went to school with. Um, we always sort of hung out together, um, for about year seven onwards, and I got to about year nine and we sort of, you know, we're in his his [00:08:30] place after school studying one day. And, you know, one thing led to another. And I remember that very, very clearly. It was probably one of the most scary, scary experiences I've been through in terms of having all the nerves and all the the excitement and the, um yeah, all that stuff that goes on there and having that reciprocated from this person and having that combined [00:09:00] and like just having him touch me and and touching his skin was it was mind blowing it. Yeah, I've gone off to la la land now, Um, but it really was mind blowing. And we spent the next what, couple of years fooling around together. He was my first. He was my sexual partner for about three years. Um, we basically learned to do everything together, um, and explored our sexuality [00:09:30] together. So in a way, I was lucky that I had that I I look back now, and I say we weren't boyfriends. Um, I think we were more ah, lovers in a way. And we sort of discovered our bodies together and and do that sort of stuff. And I got to a point where where I came out and II I can't. I took that step and then everything sort of changed for me in my life. It wa wa was no longer a big secret that I had to sneak [00:10:00] around and and do all this stuff. I could be open about it with my family and, well, not so much my friends, because I kept it to myself at school. I didn't. People are less speculated, but I think the difference between people speculating people knowing is a very big jump. Many people know something instead of speculating it. Things change dramatically. So I always try to avoid We try to avoid that big dramatic [00:10:30] jump because I didn't want things to get any worse. Um, so in terms of yeah. So in terms of my first love making experience, um, I had it lucky. In a way, um, I still keep in contact with this person now, and he's still very much in the closet. And as we say, um, bad enough about him. It's his life. I did some, um, work with the Victorian AIDS Council. Um, [00:11:00] um, I used to be a facilitator for a drop in group, um, for under eighteens, and I've actually been through the whole coming out thing with a lot of a lot of young guys and because I was always, um, the one that was out and had the knowledge I had guys crashing at my house when their parents kicked them out. And I've seen so many people make so many different mistakes, and so many people make some very good decisions. And I think the best thing for me [00:11:30] to say to someone who's thinking about coming out and it's gonna sound like an absolute cliche it's to, um, just follow your heart and go with your gut feeling. You know, it's like things will change the minute you say it out loud and I, I suggest saying it out loud to yourself until you believe it. Before you say that loud to somebody else. Um, but, yeah, things things change, your life will change dramatically. Um, [00:12:00] I, yeah, been a very long journey to get to where I am today. Very, very long journey and a very hard journey. But I look back now and I think, well, would I change it? That's the one question I po I still pose to myself. Would I change any of it? And I I the answer that I come up with is No. Because if I, I was to change one little thing one itty bitty thing that happened, I wouldn't be the person that I am [00:12:30] today. I wouldn't be a strong willed emotional to get the person that I am. You know, we we all learn through our mistakes and through experience. And if you block yourself from feeling anything or doing anything you'll you'll never really achieve of happiness, I suppose, um [00:13:00] and I can honestly say, at 23 years old, um, that I am happy and finding finding that happiness, finding that place that makes me happy gets me through the bad times if something crops up or, um, I'm going through a rough time. If I'm feeling really lonely or, you know, I have to deal with the problem, it doesn't. I feel yeah, I fall down, but I don't fall as far. And I've got tools on board [00:13:30] to be able to pick myself up in a very confident way. And if I've made the mistake, I can admit to it and learn from it and go well, hey, I fucked up, but I won't do it again. And if I do do it again. I'll do it differently. And if differently doesn't work, I'll try it again and again and again. You know, nobody's perfect. Nobody's always right. Nobody's always wrong. You know. It's about [00:14:00] it's about the individual. It's about you being who you are And you choose to feel how you feel. You choose to be how you be. No one else can change that. They can have an impact on you. Yes. And they can influence you. Yes, but ultimately we make the We make the decisions in our life and we need to empower those and go inside of ourselves. I'm me. I love me. Yay!
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