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I was a, I guess about 10 years old, and it was summer. And the boy across the street, his name was Bobby Mantel. I saw him with his shirt off in jeans, and I was stunned by the build he had. He was about 12, I would guess a little bit older than I, but a deep tan and a muscular chest [00:00:30] besides being very handsome. And it was the first time that I was of a conscious of having erotic feelings toward somewhat of my own sex. And, uh, I never got to tell him that or to do anything with him. We we were just friends, but I always did try to, um, you know, see as much of him as I could because I just thought he was beautiful at that time. Of course, we're talking [00:01:00] a lot of years back. Nobody, really. At least I didn't know what being gay was. And, uh, I just knew that you were supposed to if you were a male like girls. And so I just dismissed it, and a few subsequent experiences that I had like that through the years. I also just enjoyed them for what they were. And and, uh, got to chase girls [00:01:30] like every other boy and go out with girls and eventually got married. And I have to say that I did love her, and I did have exciting sexual times with her. So I think that what I was hoping for was I would grow out of my desire for men also. And, uh, it didn't happen that way. Of course, the older I got the [00:02:00] more attracted to guys I was and then seeing some of the more erotic magazines on the newsstands that were so famous. And in those you know, I I in those magazines, I found out that there must have been an awful lot of other people like me far more than I ever thought. And I started buying those magazines and I started getting excited by the A models [00:02:30] in the pictures, you know, Athletic Model Guild and places like that, mostly from California at the time, Male physique and and Muscle Boy, one of my favourite Maga magazines, Law of New York. If you know any of those And of course, doing that while being married, I had to eventually get to a point where I just decided. I guess this is the way I am. I now know that I must be [00:03:00] bisexual. And I just accepted the fact and knew that I had to hide it from everybody. And, of course, the older I got I seemed to go more to males, uh, rather than females. And eventually, after many years of marriage, my wife came home unexpectedly from work sick. And I didn't hear her come in because we had a a four [00:03:30] level er house and I was up in the office and she heard me on the phone with another guy and she knew, uh, right away. Uh, you know, that, uh, things were were the way they were. And when I told her she being very religious, decided that as much as it would hurt her, she'd have to divorce me because she couldn't share me with a man or even have [00:04:00] that thought. So I was divorced. I figured I she felt that I had betrayed her. And I felt that if she really feels that way, I I shouldn't ruin her life any more than perhaps I had already done. And with three Children, my brother, who was a minister found out about it. He hasn't talked to me or had any relation with me whatsoever since 1980. [00:04:30] Uh, so that's 20 years of, uh, deciding that I was not worth being a brother to any longer. And my mother, also very religious, left me deciding that I had ruined her name and and hidden all of this from her that I was unworthy. But my father stayed with me, and my father helped me on the on the sidelines without anybody [00:05:00] knowing about it. And he was wonderful. But of course, they're both gone now. All this time, of course. With four degrees up to a PhD, I, ah knew knew full well that there wasn't anything wrong with homosexuality, that it was just, uh, another orientation of life. Uh, the good Lord made diversity in everything he created. So why should people be any different? And I? [00:05:30] I got an intellectual and an emotional satisfaction, too. Uh, my situation. Although I was saddened by what I did to my wife and my Children, fortunately stayed with me too. Uh, my father didn't care, and I mean, he cared, but, I mean, he wasn't going to stop loving me, and neither were my Children, but they were not as religious as the mother and the brother. And I think that is a testament to what happens with people who are really [00:06:00] not truly religious, but into religiosity or church or whatever you might want to call it. But as a professor of psychology, it is clear in my mind that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. There never was, and the problem is really with society. The first sexual experience that I recall, if you want to call it sexual, uh, is something that [00:06:30] I remember to this day as if it happened yesterday, because it was so wonderful. A friend of mine, Carmen. His name was Italian kid. He and I used to go to the movies a lot, and I don't know how it started. But sitting in the theatre watching a movie in the winter, we just we put our coats over our heads so that we wouldn't be seen, and we kissed underneath the coats the whole time [00:07:00] of the show. He just couldn't get enough and couldn't stop. And when I think back now I'm wondering, you know what did the people in the next row think nobody ever tapped us on the shoulder and said, What are you doing or anything like that? Nobody ever bothered us, but we had a wonderful time kissing each other and and, uh, all of that under the under the coats in the dark in theatre. And I remember that as my first sexual experience, it wasn't [00:07:30] anything complete, but it was extremely exciting. I've never been able to recall what led up to it. He wasn't attractive to me in the sense that Bobby Mantel was. He was just a friend. And he never expressed any interest in in real sex with me either. But for some reason or other, I guess, uh, maybe we were copying what was on the screen. I don't know, but for some reason, [00:08:00] we just wanted to do that with each other. And we We enjoyed it so much that, uh, we we couldn't stop coming out. I would say that. Of course. It depends on your age. Certainly. If you're a teenager, you have to remember that you don't have economic security. You don't really know. Although you may think you do how your parents will react. I would have said my father would leave me and my mother would stay with [00:08:30] me and it worked out just the opposite. So I would say, uh, be sure that you can take care of yourself if you have to be sure that you have some kind of support of friends that will you will not be alone. Should averse things come of of your coming out and wait until the time when you're strong enough as a man or a woman to, uh, to let [00:09:00] people know, because there are a lot of people really that don't care in in this year 2000. They just don't care as long as you're a nice person. But there are those fanatics who do. I mean, we hear of this guy, Gary Bauer, today stepping out of our election and saying that he will continue to mount attacks against gays and abortion. And that's the kind of mentality that you really have to be sure that someone you're coming out to doesn't have, [00:09:30] because they will turn on you and think that in this society here as much money that you may have to take care of yourself. educationally and, uh, realistically for the necessities and maybe a house and all of that, you really are far better off coming from a strong point to come out. Uh, then other people will find it much more difficult [00:10:00] to disown you or to leave you. But it's not a nice process, although I have known people who have come out and they have had wonderful experiences with it. But there's nothing guaranteed here because this is a very sensitive subject for some people.
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