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[name withheld 1] - Snapshot 2000 [AI Text]

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Well, I guess I first realised I was gay when I was about 14. You know, when you first get your sexual, um, um, development or something. And, um, I realised I was fantasising about men rather than girls. I felt very confused about that because, um um well, it made me feel a bit of an outcast in high school and all that stuff because all my mates were getting the girlfriends and and I tried to to to go along as well, because there were actually quite a number of girls [00:00:30] that that were attracted to me and approached, made, made approaches. Uh, but I was, you know, sort of fended it off or kept it away. So I For the first, I guess 4 to 5 years, um, I was convinced it was just a phase in puberty and it would pass. After I'd I'd I'd grow older. But when I grew older and like 18. 90 now, I realised it wasn't going to be going to pass, and I still hadn't told anybody, and I wasn't even willing [00:01:00] to to accept it for myself. So I still had this big secret. I remember. I always thought uh, Carrie, this is really big secret with me that nobody knew and not even my parents or or anybody. And And that actually made me more of an outcast rather than, um, being gay. I guess it's because, um, I I became a bit secretive and a bit evasive. And, um, I didn't feel like I really was part of, of Of, of the group of friends. Because [00:01:30] because of this big secret. And that continued until I was, like, 24 25 when I first came out. And, um, all the time between 14 and 24 I never ever, uh, had either a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Um, never had sex either. I didn't dare, because I it took me that long to to get to terms with myself. And, um, I even, you know, III I was living in Holland, Um, when I was 14, uh, in in a small town [00:02:00] south of the country about 100 kilometres south of of Amsterdam. And yeah, it was a very protected, uh, protective family, I guess. Um, we we'd been living abroad quite extensively before that. So, I I I'd seen you know, quite a bit of the world. And in that sense, I was, um, well developed or or or or had an all round view of of of of life. Uh, but I guess my my background is a bit conservative, and [00:02:30] I felt very much like I had to live up to the expectations of my parents. My father is a very successful businessman in the Netherlands, and, um, he was, you know, he achieved a lot. He was, uh, a known figure in In in Holland. And, um, I felt I had to, um, equal that, at least, and being gay didn't fit in that picture at all. So, um, I wasn't happy with that. And then when I was 18, No, [00:03:00] I was 19. I went to America to college and went to to college in Massachusetts for a year. And then I came back to Holland when I was 20 went to business school in Holland. Went through that, and that was very conservative, Uh, very much like the, uh, the Ivy League kind of business school. Um, 14th century castle. All that stuff. Um, and there appeared to be a lot of homosexuality on the campus as well there because it was like a very closed, uh, environment [00:03:30] with a lot of, uh, a lot of men. And, um uh, but homosexuality was an absolute taboo. So that sort of reinforced my, uh, my own feelings about homosexuality and, um, and and and confirmed that it was there was something very bad and something you had to be very secret about. So, um, I went through, um, the business school for three years and graduated and went back to to the States and had my first job in New York. And I lived in New York in Manhattan for two years and again, [00:04:00] you know, it was a very, um, um, very accessible gay environment. And I could have easily, um, started experimenting and finding things out. But as I was working for the consulate, which again was a very sort of, um, conservative, uh, environment. Um, I didn't dare to to do anything in and actually, what I what happens? I got, um, There was this girl in New York, a Dutch girl that I met, and she fell in love with me. And I really, really loved her for being a mate. [00:04:30] And we got along very well. So for the for the outside world, we were a couple and we show up at all the parties that that we got invited to through the consulate and with the with all the diplomatic corps and all stuff. And, um, we were like, the perfect couple we were. We were very good friends, and we had very, you know, very common interests. And she was absolutely charming and and and very entertaining to all the people that I had to entertain in in that job. And, um so we were, like, really, really the perfect couple. [00:05:00] And and then I remember I. I felt like Oh, God, if only I was I was straight II. I would have found my perfect match. I would marry this girl, But then at one point, she, um she wanted more. She wanted sex, and that's that. That was actually the point where I I She was probably the first that I told that I can't get you what you're looking for and and we have to, you know, we have to stop this because I can't make you happy. I can't. I can't. Um I can't be the person that you deserve. And we did have sex once, [00:05:30] and it was awful. It was absolutely awful because, um, she was taking all the initiative, and I just let it happen because, well, I mean, I thought she deserved it basically. And, um and I was very confused as well. And after that, I just cried and cried and cried because that, I guess, was the point where I realised that I was gay and was not going to change. I went home to Holland and I had Christmas with my parents, and then we had a New Year's [00:06:00] party. Um, I remember I was dancing with my sister at that party, and I was sort of saying things like, um well, you know, this is not really the me that I am or something like that. Something very cryptic and my sister answered, But rain? I know already. You don't have to tell me, but I never I never I never used the word homosexual, homosexual or gay or anything. I just I was very, very cryptic at that time, and then when I flew [00:06:30] back to to New York, I decided I was coming. I had to come out So I called my parents, um, from New York, and I spoke with my mother on the phone, and that's when I told her, and she she said, Well, you know, I, I guess so much. And Marie Elaine, my sister, um, she had she had talked. She had told what what? What I talk to her about, um, while dancing at New Year's, and, um but she was actually very accepting, and she was just very, very [00:07:00] worried that, um was coming back. She said, Well, you're now in New York and you're in that environment where it's all very OK and very very, um, won't give you any problems. But when you come back to Amsterdam, or when you come back to Holland, you'll find a very different environment. And she was very, very worried, worried, And it would actually, you know, harm my career perspective. And as as you would expect from from parents like I have and um um, and she was very protective, really. She she was She felt very [00:07:30] worried for me. Um, but also very, um, very disappointed, I guess, in a way, because I'm the heir of the family and I need to keep the family name and all that stuff. And, um, I wasn't going to do that. Um, and what makes it worse is later my my brother is homosexual as well. So, um, I've got one sister and one brother, and, uh and he's He's seven years younger than I am. Um, so he's 27 and he only came [00:08:00] out last year during the gay games in Amsterdam. Uh, although everybody knew he was gay, but he he had he had even a worse struggle than I had because I I grabbed the only opportunity to come out away from him because, in his view, there was. You know, even one gay person in the family is too much, let alone two gay persons. Um, he he hated me for being gay because first, it reminded him of being gay. And second, because I took away the only opportunity he saw [00:08:30] to come out in our family. But now, um, he's changing rapidly, and, uh, we were the best of friends, and, um, we feel very close to each other again. We always felt close, I guess. I mean, we we never we never felt, um, there was never, never like a break in our in our in our brotherly relationship. But it was. It's definitely more open now and more close in the sense that we can really talk about things that were taboo before. And he has become so much more [00:09:00] at ease and more mature and and and he's he's giving the same experience as I am that that that there is really nobody that that that will drop you for being gay or or like you less. And if if if they would, then they probably weren't your friends in the first place. I was having dinner with this girl with a girlfriend once, one evening and and I told her about my being gay and she was completely shocked. But she was more shocked by the fact that I [00:09:30] had kept it secret for 10 years and hadn't done anything with it. And I remember it was in was in the in the in the, um, in the centre of Amsterdam and we strolled home and I sort of strolled through the gay district. Um, you know, I guess unconsciously, um I. I wasn't I. I mean I. I knew what I was doing, But I wasn't sure what I was planning or what what I was doing. And anyway, I told her about this gay the gay street. And I told her where the gay bars were. I knew all that, but I just hadn't been in any any I didn't [00:10:00] dare. And then at one point she was just like, OK, right, well, this has got to stop. And she just literally grabbed me by the arm, like, grabbed me in the neck and just pulled me into one of the the bars and I was completely shocked. I was like, Oh, my God, I can't be seen here and I can't come and go in. And it was It was, But it was wonderful, really. And she It was a very nice place. It Luckily, it was one of the best and a very mixed place. A very happy and upbeat place. And, um, I had a wonderful time, and that [00:10:30] sort of pushed me over the brink. And, um, after I was I was basically OK. II. I started going out and meeting boys and and my first boyfriend and who was, uh uh How you say who was a was a was a bum was a completely wrong guy. The first guy that that, um, approached me in one of those bars with a remark that that sort of triggered um triggered my thinking that he had a similar background because he, he he invites me. It was the opening line. He invited me for a round of golf the next [00:11:00] day, and I was like, Oh, he's, uh He's probably from the same background as I am, but he was I forgot he was, like, 12, 12 or 13 years older than I was, and he was completely bum. He lived off me for a year and completely exploited me. But I guess it was good for me to to to to to go through that because it taught it taught me a lot as well. And then soon after that, I, I, uh I met more guys and got got, you know, I had more boyfriends, and I guess what happened is that, um I moved in. I moved from being, [00:11:30] um, a single unexperienced rookie. Uh, as far as sexuality goes straight into having relationships with men and I missed this whole episode of, um of of infatuations and of puberty, sexual puberty, uh, and and and, um, well, basically living it off and stuff like that. So that came later when I when I met my current boyfriend, with whom I've been living now for almost eight years. And, [00:12:00] um um, in the beginning, it was a very, very monogamous relationship because I wanted it that way. I wanted I wanted the perfect answer to a straight couple like, um, successful young yuppies, married and living in a beautiful house in Amsterdam and and all that and, um, I I you know, I want to I want to copy the life of my parents, I guess, with this guy. But then I soon discovered I needed to I I needed I needed to catch up everything I missed. So, um, [00:12:30] I did that later, um and we both did. I mean, it was it. It's a very open relationship. And we, um we we agree with that completely. Both of us. It was the first time I reached out and actually met a guy with the intention of having sex with him, which was, which was very, um, strange and exciting and and and and and anxiety as well. At the same time, I was like, completely nervous. And, um, we met on the street and we went into a bar, [00:13:00] and I remember that the cloak lady was a psychic. And she's like, Oh, I feel good vibes here. And it was all very IIII. I saw good signs and everything, you know, not even those kind of things. And it really clicked. I think he was working for some French cognac firm in New York and we decided to go home to my place. And I think what we did is just cuddled and and and and touched and and and stroked a bit, which was already all the way for me because I never I never [00:13:30] touched a man. I never I never dared to look at a man naked. And, um, I remember we were naked that that that that's for sure. And, um, I immediately invited him into my life through a, um, a concert which was going on, uh, that next day or two days after that, and I said, Oh, you have to come along with me and, you know, for me, he was that was it He was my boyfriend now, um, And and he said, Sure, sure, sure. And, um, I think I gave him my number. I don't think he gave my number. He [00:14:00] gave his number to me, and of course, he never called. And I couldn't reach him. And I was devastated. For for weeks. I was like, I felt so. I don't know, let down. It's like, this is this is this is this was this was supposed to be my dream come true. And and And, um But I felt I think I felt I felt very devastated about his just standing me up. Um, but I think I felt I've also felt good about having done this, [00:14:30] and I didn't feel ashamed. I didn't feel any negative feelings about that I I can't recall. No, I don't think so. I think the first time I had sex, real sex was with this guy I met at a bar. The my first boyfriend. Um, there's an older guy and, um yeah, I think I, I think the first night when we met, um, he brought me home and we kissed in the car and we fumbled a bit. I can't [00:15:00] remember how it was and how I felt. It's It wasn't It wasn't great. I mean, obviously, I had to learn everything. And, um, it must have been great then for me. But, um, I've I've learned so much ever since I've grown so much. I'm a completely different person now, And, um, I can't really relate to that person anymore. I was it 899 years ago, 10 years ago. And, uh, if anything, um, it [00:15:30] was just such a relief to to come out. It was like this huge weight to fell off me. And, um, I could finally start being myself and and and getting to know myself and and and grow and learn and and be feel confident and or become confident. I wasn't I wasn't this feeble shadow of of myself anymore. It was me. I didn't have any secrets anymore. I. I really didn't have any secrets and and I I and that actually made me a completely different person [00:16:00] in in being very extrovert and very open about what I felt and how I felt and and and what I thought and and what happened to me and very open to other people. And, um, that attracted a lot of people, too. And, um, I've completely changed from from being rather timid and shy and and And, you know, the the the guy who gets picked last, uh, at the gym lessons at high school, Um, to a very open, friendly, extrovert person with a lot of friends. Uh um, [00:16:30] very entertaining. And, yeah, a a person that a lot of people like I think coming out is something so personal. It's something that you have to come from within yourself. Um, I'm not. I'm not out there on a barrack Scream to everybody come out and show yourself. And I just, you know, for me, it's been one of the best things in my life, and I'm so happy I'm gay because being gay has made me a person who is in touch [00:17:00] with himself and and and still stands on on the on the on the ground with both feet. But, you know, if I hadn't been gay, I probably would have just led my life very unconsciously. Um, you never know what's going to happen. I mean, you you can't You can't talk about what is, but I feel that it would have taken me at least much, much longer to to start discovering myself and for and and finding out who I really am. And being gay per definition almost means that you have to go through this episode where you have to get [00:17:30] to terms with yourself and have to have a very sharp look at yourself and for me that makes a person so much more interesting somebody who's who's actually taken time to reflect and think about himself and what you want out of life and how you want it and in what way you want it. And you know who you really are. What, what makes you. And, um, I find that with a lot of gay men, Um, that that's what is common is that [00:18:00] you all have to go through this phase of coming out, which is very traumatic and very scary and and can be very unsettling because you're turning your whole life upside down at these. It was for me, and I think nowadays, um, because I I've noticed that gay men in the bars and and and and that are open and they're so much younger than than I was, um I mean, uh, they're like, II. I meet gay. I mean, I see gay people here in Amsterdam, which, of course, is a very gay city. Um, we are, like, 14, and and and and [00:18:30] they're openly gay, and they're openly gay at high school and all that stuff, and they don't It doesn't seem to be a problem at all. But for me, it's been it's been a very different and for me, it was very, very difficult to come to terms with it. But once I did it completely changed my life. And, um, I've noticed so much good come to me after I could be completely myself. Um, and my life has become so much better. And I've I've, you know, all the things I was afraid for They're all [00:19:00] false. They're all they're all, uh, concoctions. Is that what you say? Or with all They're all fittest things in my mind things that I've made up, um, which, you know, stem, Of course. From from I guess from from, uh, the way I was brought up. Uh, but they're not, uh, they're not real. Nothing to be really afraid of.

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AI Text:September 2023
URL:https://www.pridenz.com/ait_snapshot_2000_name_withheld_1.html