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I realised I was gay. Probably about 17, maybe, Um, a guy I've met. I knew for years was my best mate. And, um, one night he stayed over and we were sort of like sitting outside playing spin the bottle as you do with your kids, you know, drink booze and tell dirty stories. And, um, I asked him if he ever thought about being gay and he said no. And then he asked me and I said, Yeah, sort of. And, um, he [00:00:30] said, Have you ever had any sexual fantasy back eyes? And I said, Yeah, all the time. And then he said, Who? And I said, Oh, I don't really want to tell you this And he said, No, tell me And I said, you and he went really? And I said, Yeah, and then he said, Well, to be perfectly honest with you on the phone, and I was quite shocked by that because he was the last person I ever expect to to understand. And, um and so we carried on talking and we ended up in bed together. [00:01:00] And then the next morning, I felt so bad, I thought I'd done something wrong. and we never talked. We didn't talk about it because we were both so freaked out about it. And, um, so I didn't talk to her for about probably two months after that, and I was in complete shock. And then, um, I used to go to a youth group sort of thing. I wasn't a Christian or anything like that, but a lot of my friends were, and they went to that, and I went along, and he used to go to that, too. [00:01:30] And, um and then I saw him there. And, um, we ended up talking, and it just ended up being a sexual thing with that friendship. And, um, one day or one night, we got together and, um, I said to him, This can't go on any longer because we've ruined a friendship because of what happened. And, um, we were just using each other for sex, Really? And it was pretty bad. Um, it it really screwed the both of us up because [00:02:00] it was the wrong time in the wrong place. And I've never come out at that stage and neither a tea. And so it stopped. And then I came out to my friends, probably about two months after that happened. And, um when I told my best friend Catherine, I was so scared because I didn't know anybody gay apart from Jody, a friend. And then I told her, and she said to me, um, you're the bestest friend I've ever had. Mike, I love you just the way you are gay, Straight, Whatever she said, you're still Mike. It doesn't matter [00:02:30] what you are. And, um, that made me feel so good because I had so much support and coming up to the first person was the hardest. But after that, there were a breeze. And, um, the whole time I came out I made so many more friends because so many more people saw me differently because I was more open and honest with them there without lying or covering up cos they they could tell something was wrong. And, um, I never, ever, ever had one problem. In fact, I had complete bliss, [00:03:00] and, um, yeah, I've never had one problem at all. The only thing I really was bad was when I came out to mum, you know? But she's OK now. She's really good. She doesn't understand it completely, but she knows it's me and I can't change. And, um, I wouldn't it be any other way now I think I've always had desires for guys. I mean, I've had lots of girlfriends when I was younger, but it was never anything. It was liver [00:03:30] the right time or the right place to grow a relationship with a woman. And every time something ever became serious with a woman, it always turned bad. And, um, I keep thinking to myself, No, it's just me. It's just me being paranoid But I had a lot of dreams about guys. I mean, I never masturbated until I was 17. That was after I first had sex. I never really had the desire for that. And, um, so before then, all my wet dreams were about guys, and I thought [00:04:00] that was just, you know, a phase. And, um and there's this one dream that was always the same dream over and over, and one night, cos I'm going forward in time now. So I first time I ever went to a cap back was Toledo. The same thing happened to me in the bar that happened to me in my dream and it became reality. And I knew that I was gay because my dream stopped and [00:04:30] I didn't feel so insecure. I felt that I found my true self. And, um, I was sitting in a bar with this guy. I didn't know who he was, and, um, I said, I can see it now. Clearly in my mind, I was It was All I could see was from the neck down, and I was sitting next to him at the bar and, um, my temptations got, got the got the best of me, and I reached over and grabbed his and it was a [00:05:00] that was my dream. That's all it ever was. And none of my dreams were ever sexual, never sexual. It was always emotional and, like two guys, you know, holding each other or, you know, fondling or kissing. It was never, ever sexual. I never, ever saw a guy sexual in my dream with dreams when I was a young kid. So yeah, I went to a support group [00:05:30] called icebreakers, which was back in those days. I don't know if it's still around there, and, um, I met a couple of guys who I worked with there and, um, friends of mine introduced me to another guy who actually lived where I lived in. And, um, Mum asked me how I met this guy and what his intentions were. And I said, Just a friend, he was a lot older than me. He was 11 years older than me, but it was never It was never a sexual thing. And, um so she [00:06:00] asked me in plain words, was he an as bandit? And I said, I don't know what you mean. I had an idea, but I didn't want to say it. And she said, Is he gay? And I said, Yes, he is. And she asked me how it was, and I said, no. Oh, and the reason why I said no was because, um, the timing was not right. I did not feel the time was right to come out to my mum to tell her I was gay. I had to wait for the right moment, and, um, she kept pestering me and pestering me for weeks and weeks. We argued over [00:06:30] it, we had bad fights over it, and one day I just gave her and couldn't handle it any longer and told her I was gay and she kept telling me it'd be OK. It'll be OK. And, um so I thought maybe she will be OK because she liked my friends who she knew were gay. So I thought if she can accept them, she can accept her own son. And I told her I was and, um, things got messy. Um, we didn't talk for probably I. I walked out of home, I couldn't handle the strain and things got messy. We [00:07:00] didn't talk for about four months, and, um then we started getting talking again and the way we are now or have been for the last four or five years. We've never been so close. Never. So, um, it pays off. It does pay off in the long run. They do accept you better because they know you're honest with them. There's no more lives than hurt. And I think the reason why she's so understanding now is because she knows I'm not gonna get married and have kids. And then later on, [00:07:30] I find out and hurt a lot of people's lives break up a lot of people's lives. So I think she's in a way happy. I am. I know what I am now and not when I'm 35 40 etcetera. So and I I also look back at home and, um, my stepfather and that who she's remarried is awesome. It's the best thing for her, and it's been the best thing best thing for me, not a problem at all. They can both sit there and watch a gay programme on TV and not even get disgusted. [00:08:00] Actually found it interesting and understand me better that because they class the average gay person as being feminine, dressing up in women's clothing and, you know, performing an or sex and they know I don't do not. They know I do not do any of those, so they just see me as being a normal heterosexual guy. But I'm gay who prefers men, and they don't even class me as [00:08:30] being gay because I'm not gay orientated. They just see him as a normal person, and it's really good for me, too, because I am just a normal guy. I cannot handle drag queen. I don't like it. Um, it's just me, um, working at Bojangles as I did for over a year, seeing a lot of those drag it. I liked watching it. I found it very amusing. But, um, it also gave me an ill feeling in my stomach. [00:09:00] My theory is you're gay. You're a man. You're born a man. I don't understand why a lot of these guys had to become feminine and become like that. I don't understand it. And why lesbians become shaved heads, tattoos, masculine. I don't know why that is, but, um, I just don't understand it, and it's just I don't know, as nasty as it sounds, it sickens me even though they're just the same as I am. But they have to have different views and feelings. So I suppose you could say, in a way, I am. [00:09:30] I am a little judgmental, but I tolerate it because I have to tolerate it. And but I don't show it. I still, you know, get on with them. I still accept them for them. And, um, I don't say what I feel because I don't need to, because I can hide it well and cover it up. But, um, I've got a lot of gay friends who are feminine the guy I work with are feminine, but he's he's the best mate I've ever had. But I as I've got to know them, I've got [00:10:00] to know them as a person, not as what I saw. So, yeah, it pays to not to be judgmental, and I've learned that, especially in the gate authority. It's a very hard lifestyle. But it's only hard if you if you make it hard, it can just be as easy as a normal life. I think you have to wait until the timing is right. Don't just say it because it sounds good. Um, you've got to know yourself if you're gay or [00:10:30] by, um, it's a hard one to say because everybody's different. So living a gay lifestyle is what you make it just like a heterosexual life, Um, can be as happy or sad as you want it to be. Um, just be open, be honest, be genuine, and you'll get along. You'll go a long way. You'll live a long, happy life. I'm the happiest one of the happiest me life. Well, I hope I am. I think I am. [00:11:00] Yeah, my health is great. I don't stress out as much as anymore. Um, my values and people adore me because I'm so open and so honest and they see me for me and I see them for them. But you have to do it in your own time and your own mind.
This page features computer generated text of the source audio. It may contain errors or omissions, so always listen back to the original media to confirm content.
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