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I realised that I was gay from, I guess, a fairly early age compared to what? I've sort of spoken to a lot of other people that I realised that maybe I was an early starter. It was about the age of 12 when I began to notice, um, my own body and also, um, other people's. It wasn't necessarily men or women. It was both. And then there was a phase where I guess I could have considered myself bisexual. [00:00:30] And that was, I guess that lasted for about a year or two. Maybe the age of 13. 14. Um, there was nothing that directly influenced me. But as I grew older, the attraction to women, I think just became less and the attraction for men became stronger. And to the extent where eventually I just no longer looked at women. Um, this was a little bit of a shock [00:01:00] to me at first, I guess, um, but it was something that I just assumed would come back, and it never did for me. So I guess I'm still waiting. I have a lot of female friends, and I still get along with women a lot, and actually, I probably get along with them as friends a lot, a lot better than a lot of my male friends. But in terms of a physical attraction, there isn't any other than me being able to notice a woman [00:01:30] and saying she's beautiful or she's very pretty or she's fairly ordinary. I can definitely comment on the state of their looks, but without me thinking that there was any sort of sexual attraction there, whereas with a male body, I guess I can look at a male and think, Yes, he's this or he's that. But there's also the element of whether or not I would be sexually attracted to him. So I grew up knowing that I was attracted to men. [00:02:00] But I also grew up in an environment where I found myself, um, around a lot of homophobic people. My parents were certainly not tolerant of gay people and I guess being based in the theatre as I wanted to be growing up as a somebody learning, singing and dancing. My parents were particularly paranoid that I would be mixing with a lot of gay people and that somehow they would try and convert me [00:02:30] and or approach me or molest me or whatever they thought they were going to do. None of which ever happened. Even though I was surrounded by a lot of gay people, I didn't actually find any of them attractive. They were all a lot older than me. I was only say, 15 or 16 at the time. And so I was definitely around gay men. But there was no, um, threat. There was no try. Try to convert me or anything like that. And at the same time, at my [00:03:00] my behalf, I didn't feel the need to approach them or to come out with my own sexuality. So it was something that I suppressed for a long time. Um, that was growing up in the country. And then when I left school, I went to university for four years and I moved to, um Brisbane, which is a, uh, a smaller city in of Australia. But it's still I think it's over a million in terms of its population. And it wasn't [00:03:30] until I was 20 years old that I finally began to think that not so much that there was a need for me to come out, but that I guess I want to define, um, somebody who I could have a boyfriend and have that sort of intimacy with it wasn't the sexual urges that I, um, was looking to satisfy, but an emotional bonding, I guess, that I wanted to have with somebody. So it wasn't [00:04:00] until almost until I was 21 that I had my first sexual experience, which also happened to be with the person that I was my first boyfriend. And so that, um, relationship lasted a year and I was always quite, um, I guess something that's always I've been proud of is that my first sexual experience was in a loving relationship with somebody that I had been friends with for a long time and then was in a relationship for for about 12 [00:04:30] months. The first person that I told that I was gay was my first boyfriend, and the second person that I told was my best friend, who was also a friend of my first boyfriend. Um, and he had a lot of trouble accepting it, because I had gone through this, um, phase for a few years of trying to delude myself or not so much myself. But my friends [00:05:00] and assume a straight role by commenting on women. Like saying, Oh, she's she's very attractive or she's really pretty Or she has big breasts or whatever I knew I thought would be able to convince my friends that I was actually looking, Um, and quite often, if we watch a video, um, we we if we were picking a video and I'd think, OK, I'll pick this video and I'll say, Oh, that girl looks pretty or whatever when it was really in my head the guy that I was looking at [00:05:30] at on the video cover But to, um, keep the illusion going, I would always comment on the female. So that was what made it difficult, especially for my best friend to come to terms with when I had for so long gone out of my way, not only just to conceal it, but also to make it look more obvious by um, pointing out my attraction or my so called attraction to females. Um, so he had a lot of issues with that, and he also had a lot of issues [00:06:00] with the fact that the person I was dating he'd actually introduced me to and he the way he had done it, he he introduced me to this person and then a few days later, he said, Oh, you know that person I introduced you to they're actually gay, and he sort of said it as a sort of a sniggering remark, almost. And that was when my mind started thinking, Oh, my goodness, this person is gay And I've also found them attractive. So that was, in the end, why I pursued the friendship with them [00:06:30] calm. And I didn't tell either of them that I was gay at the time. And so they both thought that I was just looking at this other person is just a friend, which I was, but at the same time, I was also developing feelings for them. So my best friend had a lot of problems with this as well. And it wasn't until um, probably probably a good 12 months down the track. Before he began to realise that I hadn't changed as a person [00:07:00] and the friend that he always thought I was, I still was. He, um he had never had a girlfriend of his own at that stage as well, so I think he felt threatened by the fact that, um, we had always had each other's company. And it was almost the fact that even though he was my best friend and he wasn't gay, we still had a sort of intimacy. And there was this relationship between us that was a very non sexual one, that almost probably almost the If [00:07:30] if you had seen us together, you would have almost thought we were in a relationship just because we did have such a close friendship. And so I think the fact that there was another male entering into the scene the firstly it took away from the relationship of the friendship. But he also saw it as, um somebody converting me to something that I wasn't. I haven't actually come out to [00:08:00] my parents officially, but this all happened around my 21st birthday. And, um, the fact that this new person was suddenly around all the time who hadn't been in my life before my parents became very Susi suspicious. And although I thought my boyfriend was fairly straight acting and I'm assuming they my parents picked up the body language between us, which, um, I didn't really know that we were making [00:08:30] such obvious sort of flirtation across the room or whatever you would like to call it. But they saw a change in my mannerisms or whatever and did confront me about it. Um, and I wasn't expecting the question at the time, so they didn't actually ask if I was gay, but they asked if my boyfriend was and me not being prepared for the question. I just said No, of course not. Don't be silly. And I went away because I wasn't [00:09:00] living with my parents at the time I was living in Brisbane, Um, I went back to university for three months, and then at the end of the year, it was Christmas and I'd gone home again, expecting the question to be put to me again because I was still seeing this person. He was still around all the time, and this time I was prepared for the question and I would have said Yes, I am. Oh, yes, he is. And yes, I am as well. However, the question was never put to me again. And so, not [00:09:30] knowing whether to rock the boat or what to do, I just ignored it, and I always. And it has just been that unspoken thing ever since. Um, so in my mind, I think that they know. But I think it's one thing to have it, um in your in your mind is I think my son is gay and another thing for your son to come to you and say Yes, I am So it's not confirmed to them although they had asked my sister about her comments about it. [00:10:00] Um, and she does know about me and I used to live with her. And she's very open minded about things like that and her. Her only comment was she denied knowing, but she said to them, I don't know if he is or isn't. Why don't you ask him? But if he says yes, what would it matter? And their one comment was they didn't care whether I was or not, but they would be very concerned that somebody had made me that way again, sort of linking back to their comments [00:10:30] in previous years that if I was around gay people, they would try and convert me and all that sort of thing. So there's always been this fear that all this misunderstanding that somehow if I ended up gay, it wasn't through my own development. It was because of outside influences. My first sexual experience is something that I had to a certain extent planned in the fact that I had now [00:11:00] been seeing this person. I had developed an emotional bond with them, and so I assumed that they would be the first person that I would have sex with. Um, the first sexual experience I had wasn't in terms. Um, as much sex as it was just a lot of kissing. And that happened, Um, all night, one night on my parents' lounge, and I think that to me, was a more special moment than my actual [00:11:30] first sexual experience, which happened the following night. Um, something that I'd always just been interested in was what the sensation of kissing somebody was and having just that close male to male contact. Um, in terms of a sexual experience. I think it wasn't that big a deal when I ended up having sex, because to me, it wasn't anything more than what I could have done to myself. [00:12:00] In terms of the the release of sexual tension or anything like that. What had gone on the night before with the intimacy between me and my boyfriend to me was a lot more significant in my life than anything that had come before or that had come after. I think that was the turning point. Because that was my first, um, time sort of realising, I guess that I was gay and that this wasn't a disgusting thing for me to do or anything like [00:12:30] that. It just felt very natural. And I enjoyed it. Um, I enjoyed hugging and kissing and just having that bond. Um, And I guess for me now, when even in when I'm having sex with somebody, that is always the intimacy that I look forward to enduring sex probably more or as much as the actual part of having sex. [00:13:00] I think the biggest message is Wait until you're ready for it. And I think there's a lot of people that, depending on their environment, depending on where they've grown up, it really matters a lot as to how well you plan it. If you just you're in an environment that isn't particularly tolerant to you coming out. Look at yourself hard and think? Is there really that big [00:13:30] a need for me at this stage in my life to subject myself to having to come out? Or is it something that I can put off for a year or six months, or however long? It is, until your circumstances allow you to come out without, um, a backlash that could affect your education or that could affect your family stability. Obviously, it's always gonna affect your [00:14:00] family to a certain extent and your yourself to a certain extent, Um, you just have to look at your parents, your friends. Your support network, I think, is very, very important. I was lucky that when I did come out, I had begun to develop a support network of friends. But if I did have a very bad backlash, I wouldn't have been on my own. But at the same time, I was also independent that I was living out of home. So again, if my parents had found out and [00:14:30] they had sort of thrown me out of the family or something, I could have survived on 2 ft. Um, and obviously that's not going to happen with every family, because I think a lot of parents are extremely supportive. Um, and some are not. And only you know how your parents are gonna react. Um, but think of the long term consequences rather than just looking at. This is something I need to do for today because it's building up inside me too much. I just have to tell them I think you just need to plan it [00:15:00] and have some sort of network or something to fall back on if it all ends up going wrong. But if it all ends up going right then or if you think it it is, then good luck to you and just do it whenever it is appropriate. So if it if it means that you're a 15 year old and it's appropriate, then do it if it means you've got a If you're a 21 year old and you're only just beginning to accept that, maybe this is what you are. Then wait until [00:15:30] you're 21. It really depends on the person, and and whenever they're ready, don't let anyone force you to to come out.
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