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I guess as a lot of people say, I always knew, um, but I've never had a a name for it. Um, I can recall being at school. I can't remember how old I was. I guess young teens, I suppose. And, um, some guy said the word I said, What does that mean? And he said something like, um, that means a guy who likes fucking other guys, and they should be shot. Well, I didn't agree with what he said about being shot, [00:00:30] but I certainly knew that that was what I was that there was a name for it. Um, even though, you know, I've not acted on it. I just knew that I was attracted to, um, men rather than women. So it wasn't until or some years later, when I was 19 in 1979 that I I guess I decided to stop living a life that was a lie. And, you know, take the plunge and, um, try and get in [00:01:00] touch with some, you know, very gay counselling service. Um, and I thought, you know that that was one way of sort of getting to know somebody. I just thought the gay community was some, you know, all contained within one pub or something or one meeting place, and that there was, you know, just a few lazy people, and that would be it. But after being introduced to the gay community, it was a real pleasant surprise. And immediately, like, I just went [00:01:30] out on to, um, Oxford Street and was introduced to a whole new world. It was like, This is what I've been missing out on. Even at the 10 to young young age of 19, I felt like, you know, this is where I belonged. It was an interesting feeling, a really happy feeling. And, um, all all I can describe it as is a feeling of belonging, Um that, [00:02:00] Yeah, there's this sort of world out there that wasn't really, you know, known about by the majority of people. Um, but that was that I was part of it, So yeah, I felt part of a larger community and, um, that immediately I just sort of wanted to tell everybody that I was gay. But it was It wasn't always appropriate. I. I guess I just told those people who, um for me, it was meaningful. Um like my brothers and sisters. [00:02:30] Um, but, Mum, I didn't feel any need to, um I didn't have that sort of relationship with her where I felt the need to do that, um, so and and still haven't, um and that's my problem. She never asks her any questions, and I think she really wants to know. Um, and from then on, it's been, um, something I disclose only when I really need to. Um, I don't think, you know, people don't walk around generally saying, you [00:03:00] know what? That that I'm heterosexual or I'm homosexual or or whatever, but, um, if somebody asks or somebody's interested, then it's no problem. Um, all I know is that at at that time at that sort of coming out time, I remember it really Well, I remember it being one of the happiest times in my life. Um, the the the feeling of freedom and of, you know, finding who I was, I suppose, well, a lot about myself. There was a lot [00:03:30] more growth and development and education that came after that. But it was, um I guess, really, And realising that you don't have to lead the rest of your life in a in some sort of way. That doesn't feel really comfortable or it doesn't suit you. And that really isn't true. Well, when I first came out to my friends II, I guess I was really worried. Um, it's just [00:04:00] that you don't know what sort of reaction. It wasn't that I wasn't scared that I'd lose them as friends or anything like that. I mean, you know, So what if I did? It's not a tragedy. Um, but I guess it it meant having men to confront, you know, you know something. Not very pleasant. Like, um, you know, if they said something dreadful or, you know, made some derogatory comments or something like that. So it really wasn't the the friendships. I mean, they're they're valuable, of course, but not as valuable as my identity and my feeling good about myself. [00:04:30] Um, and really, I found that, um, people I just said Oh, yeah, I thought so. Or, um, there was not much reaction at all. Or, um, don't recall. There's no reaction. That is, I guess, significant enough for me to have a great memory of, um all positive. Um, I can't think of any really negative ones. Um, but generally, [00:05:00] people, you know, if people aren't really interested, it's kind of, you know, you read the body language, and the eyes move, and the subject changes. But never ever have I encountered any, um, any form of, uh, and, uh, um, a response that I wouldn't call, you know, um, normal. Um, I haven't felt any Haven't felt any sort of, um, aggression or, um, disappointment [00:05:30] or anything like that. I know people do. I mean, I know people do experience. I'd have a, um a great deal of problems with it, but yeah, I generally found that, You know, most people are sort of quite happy that, um you know that you are a bit more confident or that you do feel, you know, that you do appear a little bit more, um, happy. And, um, I suppose a lot of people really, you know, deep down do know. Anyway, um, sometimes before you [00:06:00] do, um, my first sexual experience. I remember that was with, um, a friend that I was going to school with, um and so I've known him for quite a while, and I think I was only about 0, 16, I think. And, um, we had both had a bit to drink, and, um, I was there at his house, and in fact, he was going out with my cousin at the time, [00:06:30] and we'd only sort of all just been out together, and I was staying over there and yeah, I had a bit to drink. And, um um, yeah, things just happened, but I didn't really feel like, didn't really feel like a, um, sexual experience because it was all really secretive, and it was almost like, you know, this happened sort of thing. Um, it really didn't feel like I'd confirmed anything about myself at all. Um, that seemed to be a much more not an emotional thing, [00:07:00] but something that came from the inside, something that came out, you know, in regard to being honest with myself rather than anything else. But, um, yeah, but I guess the the experience that will be memorable in that it was like the first opportunity, I guess, um, before that, it was all just sort of fantasy, you know, 24 hours of, um imagining what I might be doing and with whom. But it, uh, after that after I came [00:07:30] out, my first sexual experience was all about the first person I could get my hands on. Really? Um, and it was good. Yeah. I. I can recall it. Um, I recall it being quite comfortable. And, um, of course, it's the first time you do this and the first time you do that and there's a few first, um, and yeah, they're all good or memorable. I recall the first year after I came out was I was [00:08:00] really quite active. And it was sounds a bit, I suppose. But I was, um, counting the number of different people that I've been with, Um, it was almost like a bit of a game. Um, and I know that isn't all that unusual. I just guess I It is what I think about now. Um, but that was an exciting time. I mean, just sort of, you know, exploring different situations as well and different people. Um, I guess [00:08:30] as you get a little bit older, that sort of adventuring has sort of stopped a little bit, but, um, the thought of it doesn't because it doesn't go away. My message to anyone thinking of coming out is. Do it no matter what the consequences, but do it in a way that's safe. I mean, do it in a I think it's a good idea to be to be rather, um, discriminating [00:09:00] in who you tell, Um, it's so I think coming out is not coming out to other people. It's really coming out to yourself, um, and being able to live a lifestyle. It's honest. It's, um and there's a feeling, sort of nothing like it. But you know, um, really look at who you want to tell and why you want to tell them. Is it really necessary? Um, but yeah, my, my advice generally [00:09:30] would be that it's just better to live honestly and, um, you know, to to enjoy who you are, Um, and try not to take on, you know, too much a lot of the judgments you've heard from other people. Um, over time, Um, I think, you know, there's been that's a product of different things that people have learned over their lifetime. And, um, you know, we live in a society [00:10:00] that only understands heterosexuality is normality. For whatever reasons.
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