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I probably realised that I was gay before the age of 10. Um, never had the chance to order opportunity to explore it, Got married, had kids. And probably a few years into into marriage, when figure didn't work, I started exploring the gay side. Um, marriage ended. My ex-wife has not known about me and never will know. Um, [00:00:30] but my kids do, um, my youngest daughters in the lesbian relationship and quite open about it. Um, the first couple of experiences I had were at a beach, if you want to tell it that way, my knees were knocking. I was shaking. I was sweating. Um, I realised it was wrong, but I loved it. Um, [00:01:00] I got more warmth and affection, and I realised that there's some things that I liked. I've always liked looking at guys rather than women. All my life over I was married. Um, it's much easier now because, um I can do whatever I want and whatever I feel. And, um, life [00:01:30] is so much better because I get warmth, affection, compassion from a person which I can't get from anyone else from a guy that I can't get. Can I get from anyone else. Um, the tendencies are all there. You can't suppress them. Um, you'd walk down the street and you'd automatically look at guys. Um, you'd go to the movies and you'd sort of sit there and dream. Um, [00:02:00] the feelings are there, and they are very, very strong. Um, and you can't do anything about them. I mean, people think that they can overcome it, but you can't. It is just personal feelings and personal perceptions. It's like someone likes one type of car and someone likes another type of car. And some person just we say I don't like either of them. Um, it's just personal feelings and emotions. [00:02:30] Um, I used to go out by myself, and I ended up in a situation once when I went with a guy never looked back. Never, ever look back. I was probably married about 10 years at the time. There are a couple of people that I know who have just completely wiped me and just don't [00:03:00] don't speak to me. Don't have any contact with me. And other people that are straight in the straight world have just accepted me the way I am. Um, circle of friends has changed in the last few years. Um, real friends, which I can classify as real friends, have stayed, and [00:03:30] there are probably very, very few Probably less than five. Um, because your real friends will accept you no matter what you are. And no matter how you are, and that's what I found with my real friends, the rest of them are just, you know, people that pass by the coming out process. I basically tell the people that I feel I can trust and don't [00:04:00] tell the people that won't understand. My father is dead. Uh, my mother I have not told one she is European. Um, older person would not understand. It would totally go off about it and completely cut [00:04:30] contact. I don't Not that it worries me, but it sort of would hurt her feelings. Although at this stage there is a person that I am seeing that if I ever moved in with him, I would come out to my mother irrespective of what she felt. Irrespective of what she would say about it. I think she would blur, refuses, go completely [00:05:00] hysterical because, um, her background is very religious. Um, very naive no education whatsoever. She never went to school and she just can't understand. Uh, anything outside her stereotypical field. Things have got a natural order to her, and this is wrong. [00:05:30] Makes me feel that I want to live my life the way I want to live my life. I can't live my life to conform to other people's ideas because if it comes down to happiness, I've got to be happy. First. I can't please everyone else, and no one can please everyone else because no one has ever managed to make people happy. As soon as you you conform [00:06:00] to one set of standards, they'll change the standards and they'll want you to do something else.
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