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I think I quite liked other boys when I was in third class at school. What's that? Seven or eight? Which is a bit young, I suppose. But probably no younger than anybody else. I didn't do anything about it until I was about 21. Um, in about when I was about 16, I went through that denial period. I'll grow out of it. You read about people being gay, Um, and some [00:00:30] sort of adolescent thing. And then suddenly the world of girls opens up, and it's still very exciting. It never happened. The 21 I met a guy that I used to know when I was at school, quite by accident, and I could sense that he was gay and one thing led to another. And then I did nothing for about another year after that. So [00:01:00] I was terribly closeted being brought up Catholic. It doesn't help because you go through that guilt trip. Um, anybody who's not perfect in any way is made to feel guilty. And by perfect it's It's the the Catholic version of Perfect. Um, coming out was a different matter. Um, I was out to my friends. I'm still not out at work. I don't see any relevance of being [00:01:30] out at work. I just see that as something which is none of their business. Uh, I had quite a number of gay friends I was living in, uh, in Canberra at the time, And, uh, the only people I wasn't out with were my parents and my sister. And then one day out of the blue and my mother rang me. She was going through a fairly rough patch emotionally, and she'd been seeing [00:02:00] a psychiatrist. Uh, I think she had bipolar disease. It was really bizarre. She was very difficult to deal with sometimes. And, uh, she was naming me for a lot of things that were wrong with herself. And maybe I was contributing to that. I don't know. And she asked me whether I was gay, and I said yes. And, uh, she just dropped the bundle completely. She didn't want to speak to me again. Ever. Um, [00:02:30] and she didn't. Oh, there was once or twice that I tried to make contact with. So I decided to put in a letter and sent her a letter saying, There's nothing much we can do about this This is how it is. You're not going to change me. I have no intention of going to any sort of therapy or or whatever. And if I go, if I went to a psychologist or a psychiatrist, they'd probably say, What the hell are you doing here? So she didn't really accept that and [00:03:00] didn't talk to me until she died the day she died. My father, on the other hand, was quite understanding. I still see him, and, uh, we visit occasionally. He lives in Sydney. I live in Melbourne. My sister rang me after my mother rang her straight away and said it didn't change anything. She still loved me as a brother, and, uh, we keep in contact constantly. We ring about every two weeks, and her husband is fine. Um, [00:03:30] I don't talk to any of the other family because I don't know. I feel uncomfortable about it. Um, they're very catholic, and I think we see it as some sort of, uh, failure on my part. Maybe I do, too. I sort of fiddled around, you know, with the boy next door. That was when I was about 14 or 15, and he was only just experimenting. And he was quite cruel, actually. [00:04:00] Um, the first real experience was, uh, when I was 21. Prior to the experience, I was extremely nervous. I was shaking almost uncontrollably here. I was finally finally going to experiment with something that I've been thinking about for 0, 10 years or more and er during it, I was still shaking him. But he was He was a very nice guy. He was also on drugs, so he I think he had some sort [00:04:30] of, um a relaxant of some sort because he was a bit glazed over, um and then afterwards, incredible guilt because I've been told by the Catholic Church that that was the bad thing to do. I don't have those guilt feelings anymore because I don't see it is relevant. I would test the water with people that you know very well and see what their reaction is. [00:05:00] But I sensed that my mother wouldn't be able to cope with it, and I kept it from her for quite a long time. And she didn't like that. And when I told her that she wasn't reacting particularly well and that's the reason why I didn't tell her she like that, even less so. There was no way of winning. Um, take your time. It's It's It's your life. You do what you have to do. It's not important to anybody except yourself and your immediate family and friends. I don't [00:05:30] see how any of the gay political scene needs to have your voice added, Um, unless you're comfortable. It's not a political statement, it's a statement about you.
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