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Morning. So this, um, first workshop today is rainbows in a monochrome world. Navigating the world as someone from Rainbow communities brings with it many challenges taking different forms for different people. Danny, Lee, Lily, Brandon, Jay and Tan will share some of their experiences coming out across different settings with family at school work and coming from a background of faith, I'm gonna hand over to Danny to introduce this idea further. OK? Um, yeah. Everyone, [00:00:30] Um, yeah. So, uh, I'm Danny. Uh, I'm also president of UN of Victoria, Um, where I just did a discussion on this. So one of the big ideas are from, So I kind of kept my life in biological years and also gay years because it just so happened that when I accepted myself for who I was, I, um it was on my birthday. So it's really easy for me to count, though. So in the 6.5 [00:01:00] gay years that I've had under my belt Now, um, I've been thinking about it like, um especially like in terms of this structure of the closet and coming out in terms of, um well, the closet is this very, very big thing that, you know, kind of chases us all our lives in a way, um, and coming out as only one small part of that as one. A single strategy that we actually use to combat that when it's far [00:01:30] from the only way that we keep ourselves mentally healthy, that we can navigate our lives. Um, in that monochrome world, basically, Um, so with that in mind, I guess I'll just jump into my coming out story. Um, so I'm from originally I was born in Tamaki. Um, but when I was 3.5 years old, I moved up to Seattle because that's where my mom's side of the family lives. And, um, I spent [00:02:00] most of my childhood and adolescence there. And in that time, um, my schooling experience was I wasn't I was in a public school, it wasn't a very and so it wasn't like, officially, a very religious school, But it was a very religious school. Um, so we had a very large, um, Catholic community and a Mormon community. Um, and because of living in the States, I was also very proximal to the [00:02:30] Westboro Baptist Church just via the Internet basically, um, and all of these had, like, put a lot a lot of different kinds of pressure on me. Um, before I'd even realised, like I had that self realisation of Oh, my God, I'm a queer. Um, so despite all of that, like I was actually in a very a liberal accepting sort of a Lutheran church and in the midst all of these other denominations and contexts and sort of thing. And, um, [00:03:00] but they were also very, very silent on any sort of rainbow issues. And so, during my teenage years, I kind of took that as affirmation of just the the homophobic, the transphobic, all of that vitriol that was, um, being spewed by defectively their peers, um, and the other denominations nearby and everything, um And so, like, of course, that had a very negative impact on my everything. [00:03:30] More or less. So, um, all of that pressure and all that religious context too, meant that, like, um, because I had built up coming out to be this end or be or thing, um, that it just it felt like a confession in the end. So, um, it was it was it was confessing my sins in a way like and because that's kind of how we talk about sex these days when we take it, um, from private person, like, you know, one on one, whether [00:04:00] that's like actually sexually or just like talking about sex sort of thing, it's usually like that, whereas like bringing it into a public space like like this, I guess like Oh, my God, we're being live Streamed right now, um, like very, very, very public space. Um, you know, it's it it it's kind of taken the form of confession. And I hate that. I really, really do, because it's sort of like you lose control of it. At that point, you lose control of like, um of just kind of having that [00:04:30] agency of who you are and being able to articulate that in a way that, um, is yours. And so when I did come out, um, it was to like it was initially to my mother, who then couldn't keep the secret from my dad and valued stuff. But like we've all we've all talked like, I should preface all of this by saying I'm on very good terms with all of my family. Um, we are. We've we've worked through all of this, and it took a lot of work, and, [00:05:00] um, ja will talk about that a little bit more. Um Well, their version of of their events. But like, um, it was, but yeah, it it came down to, like they just didn't know how to handle it because I didn't even prepare them at all. Like, um, because when I when I came out, like after I left high school too, Like No way, um, they, uh, like I. I was a shock to a lot of people, which is like, really funny if you you look at me now, you listen to me now. Like I everyone thought I was a straight [00:05:30] guy like No, no, it was a huge shock to a lot of people. And it was real, which was really, really funny, but like, um but especially to my to my parents, and that was really rough. And, um, for them and for me and like like now, like in hindsight, I can recognise that, but it was still like, OK, I've been through the wringer on this. I've been suicidal. I've been all of the I've gone through so much crap over this, and you're gonna you know, and you're gonna say that it's been hard on you, but like it so it took, You know, it took me years to be able to look back on that [00:06:00] and be like, OK, well, yeah, it was a shock. There was no way for them to prepare for that. Like I turned coming out into a confession of sin, basically, and they didn't know how to react to that. Basically, um And so, like, I I'm sharing this story now, basically, because it was like the way that I went about it just wasn't worth it because, you know, I didn't, like drop, because apparently I didn't drop any hints. Um, so, you know, and they just They just were, like, whether that was just being, like, conscious [00:06:30] or not. Like, they just weren't picking up on it. And so, like, there was no way for them to prepare. Um, and that was, like, my big mistake that I just want to share and, like, make sure that never happens again, I guess. Um, make sure that, like when we talk about coming out, that It's only one of the strategies in which we navigate our livelihoods and our well-being and that sort of thing. Um and that you take that strategy very, very, very seriously. If it is something that you need to you feel that you need to opt for. [00:07:00] OK, Uh uh uh, I'm a second year student at Victoria University of Wellington. I'm studying 1 million things. Um, and I'm also secretary on the board for inside Out. Um, I identify as bye. And that's kind of what I figured out first, um, and I [00:07:30] also identify as, like, age and the trans masculine. So I use them or hear him pronouns. Um, today, I'm going to talk about, um, coming out like, kind of versus, um, family and family dynamics and also like, like as a process that, like, is like, absolutely 100% a choice. Like you don't have to come out like, Hey, everyone, this is me. Shout it from the rooftops. You can like, do it with select people and people you feel safe with and how it's like a continuous [00:08:00] process. Um, launching into my story, um, I started questioning my sexuality when I was like 11. And I have this really, really vivid memory of being in, like, a an intermediate health class. And, um, some girls had made this animation about like, Oh, these are symptoms of menstruation. And one of them was like, Oh, you might find girls attractive, but don't worry, that's just a face. I was like, OK, that's shell. And then I just forgot about it for, like, five years. [00:08:30] Um so, like, whoops. Um, yeah. And then I kind of, um, started questioning again in early high school. And, um, like when I was about 15, it was like, OK, yeah. Um, this is definitely a thing. And, um, only like, it took me a very small amount of time to come out to my family because I was young and like, really like, Yeah, let's do it. Let's go. Um, and so I told my friends first [00:09:00] that I was by and then I told my mum first, Um and her reaction was not exactly as I had expected. Um, it's kind of one of those things where when I was, like, younger, me and my friends used to be like, Oh, like, not truth or dear. Yeah, OK, Yeah, truth or dear. And then you'd pick truth, and then someone would be like to you out of the three of us. Who do you think is the most likely to be a lesbian? And like, I would always be like, Oh, not me, guys. [00:09:30] I'm totally straight. And then, like, um, I got to kind of, like, be a bit older, and I was like, Cool, like, nice. I have all these preconceived notions of what it means to be LGBT, and I need to dismantle that within myself. Um, and when I told my mum that I was by, she was like, Oh, no, I don't think you are. You don't have the personality for it. And I was like, What does that mean? Um, And then, like because of her reaction, I didn't tell my dad for several months, and then he kind of gave me the whole Oh, but, you know, like, women are just more attractive [00:10:00] and, like, Oh, yeah, I had a girlfriend once who was by, But she never dated any girls. And I was like, Cool. Thanks. Um, and it, like, took them a while to come around But eventually both of them were like, Yeah, cool. You like whoever you like. It's shell. Um, and, uh, it was a similar situation with my gender. I didn't figure that one out until, like, the beginning of year 13. So, like, a couple of years ago Now, [00:10:30] um, And for me, like, I had a lot of trouble with it because I really strongly identified kind of with womanhood because, like, it had shaped my experiences growing up. And we live in a very patriarchal society. So, like, I experienced a lot of, like, sexism and sexual harassment growing up. Um, because of that, and like, part of me was kind of skid to, like, let that identity go. But at the same time, it made me feel really dysphoric thinking about myself like that. Um, And then like when I told both [00:11:00] of my Oh, I think I told Mum again first, and she was like, Hm hm. No. And then I told Dad later, and he also was like, Hm, no, um, and at first, both of them were like, We don't want to use your like, chosen new name. We want to keep using your birth name because we gave it to you. Um, and both of them were like, No, they then pronounced no, um, but like, it's been a couple of years now. And now my whole family, including my two younger brothers, who are 12 and 15, um, use my chosen name, [00:11:30] which is really cool, because I didn't When I first came out, I didn't ever think that that would be something like any of them would be open to, um, still working on the pronouns. But, um, with my parents, I think that it's just because they're of a different generation and it takes them a little longer to adjust. Um, so I guess my like message with my coming out story, like with that part of it is that even though like it can take, like, well, because we all when we figure out that we're gender [00:12:00] diverse or sexuality diverse, like go through different processes of dismantling our own, um, homophobia, biphobia and transphobia within ourselves and that also, like extends to our families. Like when you first figure it out, You're like, Oh, no, But that can't possibly be true, because I mean, I'm not like this stereotype that I've seen. Or like I don't I I I'm not like this one person that I know who is, um, and it's like a similar thing [00:12:30] with, I think, particularly our parents, because my mom, when I told her that I was non-binary was like, Oh, well, when we were growing up, there was only, like, gay and lesbian, and maybe, but like, I never knew any trans people. Um, and like, yeah, it's a process for them as well, like kind of learning more and like being a bit more accepting and more open minded. Um, and that doesn't come naturally for everyone and for some people like, it might not happen. But I think [00:13:00] it's worthwhile. Like when you do come out if your family like, initially, like, not if they're like if they're, like, super homophobic and like No, never talking to you again, then maybe you don't hold out like hope as much. But like, um, your family, like, ultimately, can be, um, some of your like best supporters. Um, if you like, give them a little bit of time to kind of learn a bit more for my mom [00:13:30] with the because at first I identified as bi gender for her. That was, um, she She does like a lot of research on everything that she like, doesn't know much about. Um and she went to watch a documentary on, um two spirit for Native Americans because, like like it's a lot of people say that it's like the principle, not principles. Like the description of it is fairly similar to, like some other genders that we've like given labels to in a Western context. And she, like, cried when she watched it because she could relate. And she kind of understood how I felt [00:14:00] a bit better and also for her. That was when I chose a different name for her. That was, um, she reflected back on her own name which, like, um full like her full name is like feminine, But she goes by a masculine, shortened version of it. And she was. She remembered growing up that she always hated it when people called her her full name and that, like her mom, hated it. But she wanted to be called something else, and she was like, Oh, that's how my child feels like Yeah, I can like, understand that [00:14:30] Um, yeah. And I guess the other thing I wanted to say was that, um don't, like, put pressure on yourself to come out to everyone all at once, or even to, like, come out at all if you're not in a safe environment where you don't feel like you can tell people that you're LGBT because you're maybe at risk of violence or if, um, the person is not very trustworthy and might out you to people who, like could be discriminatory towards you. Then you don't have to tell them, um, I kind of well, like [00:15:00] for me. As soon as I figured out I was I was like, Hey, everyone immediately Because that's just me. I just wanted to like it to be out there, and I just wanted to not have to pretend to be something I wasn't anymore. Um, but it was more difficult with my gender because, um, I was and still am dating, um, my boyfriend, who is, um cisgender heterosexual. And at high school that had, like, a lot of really, like a lot of people, thought that it was their business to ask about our relationship when [00:15:30] it's not like I kind of used Oh, yeah, I'm questioning my gender is like a hypothetical in this very heated discussion that I was having, Even though I already knew that I was like, Trans and immediately this person was like, Hey, everyone, Hey, everyone. Jay doesn't identify as this this girl anymore. And then, like, I had a bunch of people going up to my boyfriend and being like, does this mean you broke up with Jay? If they transition, Um, it's OK, Don't worry. Um, so yeah, like, and it's it. It is a continuous [00:16:00] process. You meet new people in your everyday life and, like they won't know or like, might not know unless you tell them. Um, like I've been at my current work for six months, and I pretty much immediately told them that I was Why? Because generally people are, like, more OK with that, like in my experience. But I've only told like one of my co-workers that I'm Trans. Um and my employees still don't know, and I don't think I'll tell them any time soon. Um, and some of my friends know and some of my friends don't and like, [00:16:30] you know, you don't have to be out to everyone at once. You don't have to be out to anyone. You can just be out to people you trust. And, um, that's all I have to say. Um, let me know if you can hear me, OK? All right. Um, just be like, speak up. Um, so my name is Tom. Um, I am a social work student at just down the road a bit, um, and [00:17:00] I am really happy to be here with all of you. It's really exciting to be part of a again. Um, so totally. Also, what? I kind of wanted to talk about a little bit as well as my coming out story. Is that thing of like, you like, there's this perceived kind of thing of like when? Like, I get asked all the time. When did you come out? And I'm like, yesterday the day before. Like most days of my life. It feels, um and that's not the case for everybody, but [00:17:30] coming out, um, for me at least, is something that happens a lot. Um, sometimes people don't believe me. They're like, Oh, really? No, You're so not You don't look gay, and I'm just like I am extremely gay. Very. And this is what a gay looks like. This is what a queer person looks like. Um, so also, I identify as fem um, and my sexuality, my gender, like fem, is a really big part of, um, who I am. [00:18:00] Um, and it has been a really important part of kind of my journey of coming out to myself. Um, so I kind of feel like I have two main coming outs. Um, when I think back on my life, Um, So I grew up in very rural settings. My family are just like big old hillbillies. My parents met at the village that we live in in the local pub. Both of my fair sides of my family still live there. My cousins and everything. Um, so, yeah, I grew up like that pretty hillbilly. [00:18:30] And so when I started high school, it was quite a way away from where I lived, and it was quite separate. And I started high school, and I was like, Oh, my gosh, there's this girl in my drama class, this amazing punk girl. And I was like, What are these feelings I'm having like this is because before, I'd just been like boys. I have crushes on boys. Amazing. And then I was like, Yeah, just kidding. Um, and this is when I was 12. Um, [00:19:00] yeah. So it was coming out to myself for a while. I was like, Is it just because I'm at an all girls school and I don't know any boys, and I'm like, might as well have a crush on someone? No, like, 13 years down the track? No. Still like this, But, um, it did put me off speaking about how I was feeling for a little while. So eventually, I told, um, a couple of my friends that I was by, um, this was about 13 or 14, and [00:19:30] so I don't know what health education, like sex it is like these days, but at my school, it was pretty average. And one day we were sitting in class. And like the only things about gender and sexuality that we were given, we got, like, a little list. And the teacher was like, Here you go. What do you think a gay is? What do you think a bisexual is? And then, like, left the room and everyone was like gays. And then this one girl. Yeah, and I was just sitting there like, Yeah, gays. Funny. [00:20:00] Um, And then this one girl in my class who was quite scary. Um, she was, like, the bad girl of our year. She was like, Is anyone in this class? Gay. And one of my friends turned to me and was like, Tom and I was just like, what? Um And then everyone was like, Are you? And I couldn't lie like I don't I can't lie. I was just like, yeah, like, dying inside, like, yes, I am. And everyone was [00:20:30] like, Oh, cool. Oh, my God. Do you think she's hot? Do you think I'm hot? And I was like, You're not my type. Um, And I was like, looking at that girl who was like, Are you gay? I was like, you. Thanks. Thanks a lot. But it turned out she was also a gay, and she was my first love. We dated later on. It was awesome. Yeah. So that was my first big coming out. It was it was more an outing than a coming out, but I think it was actually it wasn't great, but it [00:21:00] was manageable for me. Um, at the time, I was had a really cool group of friends. Um, and it turns out many of us were also trans queer. So many other things. Um, I don't know if you had saw Spencer in here doing the Healthy Relationships Workshop yesterday, so we went to high school together, and that was like, one of the best things for me. Having Spence and other people like that around, um really made a difference because we had our own little crow of people. Um, so my other big coming [00:21:30] out was with my family. And like I said, my family kind of hillbillies, they're amazing. I love them, but for sure, like just hunting farming, like, just all that kind of stuff. Um, so I was quite nervous to come out. And when I did tell my mom I was about 15. And because of the separation between the hillbilly life and my town school life, I was able to keep it a secret from them When, like everyone else and my friends knew and my school and all this stuff. And, um So I told [00:22:00] my mum one day. And so I was sitting on the bench and she looked at me and she was like, You look like you have something you want to tell me. And I was like, Oh, my gosh, like what the hell, Mum? OK, I like girls. And she was just like, OK? And I found out later that she thought I was gonna tell her that I was pregnant. So actually she was like, she was like, OK, like what the hell, But OK, um and I said, don't tell Dad, but she immediately went and told Dad, of course, like what? A snitch. Um [00:22:30] but yeah, I. I was nervous about my dad knowing because I guess even in your own family, there's these preconceived notions about what it means to be from a rural community, a small community, Um, where everyone knows everyone and all the gossip gets around like that. Like, one minute you say something, Nick, like your nana rings you up and she's, like, such and such from down the road had such and such saying that you're this Yeah. Um, but so I was nervous about my dad knowing, um, he had said at one point a couple of years before [00:23:00] that. I don't mind lesbians as long as none of my daughters are them. And I was just sitting there like, oh, looking forward to telling you, Dad, Um, but actually, he my family, you know, it wasn't something they really had come across. But with time and just kind of having space to, um, just kind of not talk about it because we don't really talk about stuff in my family, but just to kind of readjust to that difference [00:23:30] in how they saw me Because I didn't suspect, because I was just out there playing with Barbies every day. Like when I was little. Like they Yeah, like, did not have that kind of concept of fem queerness. Um, they actually kind of came around really awesomely eventually. Um, one time, this guy in the village tried to, like, Bible, bash me and be like gays or against the Lord. And my dad just came along, his moustache bristling, and he was like, She can do whatever she wants to do. And I was like, Yes, [00:24:00] thanks, Dad. The hillbilly man is on my side. Um, yeah. So coming up for me it was It was hard. Um, but it was good as well. And it wasn't It didn't necessarily happen in some ways in safe ways that being out of was not a safe thing to happen. Um, and so I really do stand behind that thing of, like, it's really important that it happens at a time that feels safe and OK for you. Um, if you can make sure you have people around you [00:24:30] that can support you. Um, if things don't go well with your family that you have a place to go all those kind of things, just if you can, um, I think that's really important. Um and yeah, just yeah, I think for a lot, a lot of us. I'm sure many of you get this, like, kind of also keeping in mind that coming out is not a one time thing. Um, for some of us, yeah, it's for the rest of our life, and it does get a lot easier as you become more confident and more supported [00:25:00] in your identity. And once those really important people are out of the way, then it's so much easier just to be like, Hello, World I am a big old gay look at me. Like because, Yeah, once that's done, Um, usually it's a lot safer. Cool. I think that's all I have to say. Thank you for listening in. Everybody ready for some tragic stories? [00:25:30] Um, OK, my name is Brandon here in pronouns. I'm a year 13 this year. They said it was going to be a good year, but it's really boring so far. Um, OK, so coming out stories is gonna to be tragic. Um, was it my parents were actually the best coming out story. Let's talk in the details of how it came out. Apart from clear Internet history, [00:26:00] that's the most PG way possible. Um, so one morning, my parents when my dad came in and then I don't know what they were coming in. They closed the door and he was just kneeling right by my bed. And I'm just like, What the hell is going on? Has someone died in my family or something? And he he looked at me. I had a scared face. He was just like, It's not as if I'm gonna No, wait. What is it? This is ages ago. This was like when I was, like, 10. [00:26:30] Um oh, God, my mind's gone blank. But at one stage, she was just like, we know you're gay, son, and we'll accept you as long as you don't put us in a retirement home when you're old, when we're older and I'm just like, Thanks, I guess I didn't know how to respond to that one. Like I was, like, half asleep and half awake. So I I wasn't really registering anything apart from my mum saying When's dinner? Because she didn't really care at all. That [00:27:00] was literally my coming out story for my parents. Just one talk. And now my dad never leaves me alone. He's just like, when you gonna bring a boy over and I'm just like, OK, but I'm not really gonna bring them to you because you'll draw them with the 21 questions like you do, my friends. That's why I never have any friends over because they all get scared of you. Hm? Yeah. My mum's sister just loves me anyway, so I'm just like, yes, Mum, She doesn't scare [00:27:30] anybody. I'm one of my friends, so I'm, like, happy for that. That's why I always make my mom do everything instead of my dad. I make him sit in the room. OK, well, aside from that I went to a Catholic school. They said they wanted to send me to a Catholic school. And I'm just like, OK, this will, This will be a good experience. They were wrong. I always proved them wrong. Um, it was around Year 10 [00:28:00] I. I started, like getting feelings for all of these guys. I'm pretty sure I had crushes on half of the guys in, like, the entire year level. It just It's just so bad. Um, I don't know. It's just like everybody's talking about these girls. It's like a really boy environment, like they're all talking about girls they want to get with girls, they want to do stuff with girls and I'm sitting there going. I have none of these feelings at all, so I never connected with any of the guys there. [00:28:30] And so I was that little innocent kid in the corner just sitting there listening to everybody going on about how fabulous girls are and was a Catholic school. It's just all about a girl and a guy, and they never touched on anything, even in health. Anything about guy and guy or girl and girl. So they all in education. They were all taught all of the different Bible verses. And then there was that Bible [00:29:00] verse where it says, Man shall not lie with man, and I'm sitting there going, Oh, crap. I'm getting these feelings Should should I be like, repent my sins or something somewhere and yeah, When I finally gave the courage to come out, it was not really a courage. It's more like I did it in the most ironic of classes religious education. I put like the horrible cars that come out in. But I stole somebody else's thunder, my friend, [00:29:30] who's still my friend now. And my only friend from that school that's left. Um, he came out in the RE class, and so I thought this would be a good opportunity. I am gay, too. Yeah, and all of the people in this group were just staring at us, and we're just like, um yes, we're gay. I don't think they talked to us for about two weeks. And then yeah, before that, all of the guys thought I was like, one with [00:30:00] them like they wouldn't mind me being the quiet one, but they would still include me and stuff. But as soon as I did come out, their perspectives of me changed kind of and kind of notice it in the way that they act towards you. Like and I like other classes and instead of like, including me in the conversations, there would be, like, little secu chats without me now. And it would be like when I walk past, I would get these really weird looks from the guys, and I'm just literally [00:30:30] I think they thought I was gonna hit on them. And I'm just like, No, I'm not attracted to like half of you guys. So you guys have nothing to worry about. I wouldn't even go there it so that happened for, like, another year or so. Just me chilling through a class and religious education and all that. It just wasn't really an environment that I thought that I would stay in because they weren't including me in anything. I felt like that one [00:31:00] little person that had his own little bubble that just didn't fit in anywhere. So I chose to move schools. Most of my friends said it was running away, But I'm just like, No, I want to get to go to a school that actually is an environment where I can connect with people and actually have a social life. For once I'm alone and still sitting in my bed for most of my life. But yeah, it's just [00:31:30] It was really hard because most of the friends that I thought I had they just slowly drifted away from me as soon as they knew that. And I was soon just left with myself in the library with, like, the other gay kid, which is not too bad because we're just sitting there admiring all of the guys downstairs. Yeah, so that happened. And when I when I actually moved schools, it was like everybody wondered why I was going, and I'm just like, I don't really have to explain to myself why I'm moving [00:32:00] like it was probably really evident while I was moving, but it just never clicks into their head. Like the way that they act affects you like just boys. It's all I can say. Boys straight boys. Mm. So when I did finally move which is last year. Um, it was really weird because I'd never had [00:32:30] I hadn't been there to coed school for a while because my Catholic school was just the only boys school. So when I went there, I'm just like, how do I socialise with girls now? I've been so like, living with, like, guys for so long that I don't actually know how to, like, chat with the girl, even though there's probably all of the straight guys lives. But yeah, that was my dilemma. But I ended up making really good friends there. But I was still scared of coming [00:33:00] out to them because I was afraid what was going to happen. What happened at the Catholic school would happen at this new public school, because what is it? The social atmospheres of schools sometimes don't change with different schools, like the same views from society sit with in the same mindsets in different areas. So I was really scared, But then when I did come out, it turns out all of them were [00:33:30] queen. Anyways, I'm pretty sure I came out. Two of the girls came out as we're pretty sure one other guy there is gay or we got hope. And I hope I'd actually get a relationship out of this for once. Um, yeah, I was actually really good, really supportive and get yourself a really good group of friends. And if they really actually do drift [00:34:00] away from you and that don't be scared to go and find other people because it's actually the best thing ever. Like they have become like my side hose. That's not a good word. They're actually my side hose. And I'm just like I walk through the school. Just be like, Yeah, these are my friends now. Yeah, and it's good because they introduced me to parties and they had the best thing ever. Yes, I actually don't know where I'm going [00:34:30] with this, but yeah, those are my change coming out stories. Moral of the story is don't be afraid of change. Like if one thing isn't working out for you. And if you're in a social environment, don't be scared to opt into another one, take a risk and hope for the best, because sometimes it's like the best thing of your entire life, and you get really good friends that you'll stay with for a while because I'm pretty sure I'll stay with [00:35:00] these friends for a very long time. They've got all of the same interests as me, the same guy interests as me, really good band, a conversation about different guys, various topics that I shall not go into. I'm really trying to make this really PG. Um, yeah, I still haven't got some. Like, all of my friends at the new School are like girls now, like I've since [00:35:30] my first thing with guys at the Catholic school has just put me off with trying to be friends with the guys at all. It's like one of those experiences where it's like you want to be friends with guys, but you just don't want that backlash again because my community, even though Wellington is really big, my area is really small, where everybody knows people so and we're all our schools are, like, all within five minute walk of each other. So when you go to the mall, I still [00:36:00] see those burners boys walking by and they give me the weirdest as looks and they're just like, Hey Brandon! And they just like it's really annoying. And it's weird because There's other people in the public around and I really don't want to, like, have everybody know it's Brandon and a little sissy boy. I'm just like it's really annoying and I want to go up and punch them. But I, I refrain myself and just walk away, even though if I got the scarf, I wanted to, like, wrap it around the next check on them. [00:36:30] It's just one of those little things that I just walk away, and it doesn't help that my house is like down the road from that school. So I have to, like, make it from my school to my house very quickly and try to avoid as much as boy. So that's like a daily mission for me right now is trying to avoid these boys who just think that I'm like that one little feminine boy when I'm like No, I don't identify as feminine at all like physical futures and that, [00:37:00] but they automatically think that I'm feminine because I'm gay and it's just like social views that just really get to me, and I just want to strangle society by the neck. If it ever had, like a physical form, it just be like my gayness will just kill you slowly. Yeah, horrible stories. Don't be afraid. Take a leap of face Even [00:37:30] though I kind of ran away from the faith that I was in But yeah, take a leap, Take a leap of faith. Let's see gai faith. There we go. Gaith Tongue Twister Word. Faith. I hate that word. Um, yeah, that's me, folks. OK. Hi, everyone. Um, my name is Lily, and [00:38:00] I am a third year student from Victoria. Um, when I first came out, I identified as bisexual, and about two years ago Now, um, I rediscovered that I am pansexual, Um, and that, um I guess today what I want to talk about in terms of my coming out story is that, um, fluidity is good. Um and that even though I don't identify as gender fluid or, um, fluid [00:38:30] in my sexuality that I definitely believe in all aspects of life, you know, your identity, um, like your future plans, Um, friends And, yeah, everything in your life that fluidity is good. And that change is OK. Um, So when I first came out, it was to my parents, Um bless their souls. I come from a very religious background. Um, so religious and Christianity and also a lot of very strong Maori [00:39:00] values. Um, and the the church that I grew up in, um, I actually am very grateful for a lot of the morals that they taught me. And also just generally how to how to work hard and also accepting and empathy. Um, I think that also helped me a lot in terms of accepting myself, um, and kind of navigating who I am and that changing. Like, even though I have changed, [00:39:30] I guess in terms of that over the years that that is OK, um, because we're all human. Um, So when I first came out, it was to my mum, and it's funny because, um, I'm very much a daddy's girl like I love like Like I love Mum, but I'm different. Like Dad just asked Daddy for everything. Um, so And when I came up to mum, I was like, Oh, this is gonna be the hard one. So I'll do this one first. Um, and it ended up [00:40:00] going kind of the way that I thought it would, um, you know, the typical Oh, You know, it's just a phase. You grow out of it. We all went through it, and I'm like, we all went through it. Um, Well, anyway, um, but yeah. So I was like, OK, that was chill. Dad would be great. Um, and I went to go tell Dad I started shaking a bit, and I'm like, No, this is gonna be fine. It's Dad. Um, and it turned out, um, that [00:40:30] that's his story, so I won't go into it. But, um, that in his life, he'd had some kind of run ins with people of different sexualities that weren't too great. Um, and because of that, he wasn't too great with my sexuality. Um, when I came up to him, he kind of just went a bit quiet, went and got his Bible and came up to me and was like, Here you go. And I looked at the page and I'm like, reading up, reading up reading. I'm like, Ok, um, so they've lumped homosexuals [00:41:00] and with prostitutes, and they were all going to help. OK, thanks, Dad. Ok, um, so that was not the best. Um, after reading that, I kind of just you know, went away for a bit. Had a bit of a cry, but, um like to say after all of that, it's been a couple of years now, and my family are very, very supportive. Um, generally, everyone knows. Everyone knows now, because at the time I had a girlfriend, and so yeah, so, Well, my nan I When I told my nan she was like, bring her to the 60th, [00:41:30] I'm like, OK, cool. And then everyone ended up finding out that way. Um, so even though, yeah, at the beginning, it was hard. Um, and it was definitely an emotional and spiritual journey. Um, that it does get better that time heals all wounds. Um, and that the people who who do really love you, they will overcome their own obstacles. You just need to give them time. Um, so in terms of the fluidity thing, [00:42:00] um, when I first came out to my friends, um, I changed friend groups a lot in high school because I was just a little fickle child. I just was like, I just said this and this and this, um and, um, the first group of friends that I had when I came out to them. Um, it was It seemed really breezy. It seemed great. They were really accepting. Um, you know. Oh, it's fine. Some of them were like, Oh, you know, the old questions are are you attracted to any of us? Blah, blah, blah, blah, And then one of them funny life. Oh, [00:42:30] yeah. Are you attracted to me? No. Um, no, not really. Why don't you think I'm pretty? And I'm like, like this? It doesn't work that way, like, but yeah, um, so it seemed all fine, and then, actually a a couple of months later, Um, not going into the details, they ended up using what they knew about my sexuality against me. Um, and certain arguments. Um, and that's why I ended up leaving that group. Because [00:43:00] it's, um yeah, like they're all lovely people. And I definitely don't have anything against them, but in terms of at the time, like, it was really hurtful. And I guess in terms, in terms of talking about fluidity, that it is OK. Um, yeah, in terms of like like if you feel like you're running away, don't put that on yourself. Like, um, things change in life and like you are, you are allowed to leave certain friend groups and leave schools [00:43:30] and leave towns. Um, if that is what you think is best for you, Um, because at the end of the day, you are only responsible for you. And so, like, doing what's best for your life is primarily important. Um, and saying that now, obviously, I've got a great group of friends who you know, um, I like I know that for a lot of people, their sexuality and their gender is a huge part of them and a really big deal. But for me, I'm just like, yeah, I'm I'm just gender and I'm pens. Yeah. So [00:44:00] what's for dinner? Um, you know, like, um but I guess in terms of that whole Yeah, um, fluidity thing and coming out, um, that Yeah, you, like the others, have said you can come out to one person. You can come out to everyone. And the thing is, is that, um, like in terms of changing your sexuality or rediscovering your real sexuality or whatever that means for you? Um, you know, you you can go back and tell friends and family that, but you don't have to. [00:44:30] You know, you could just show up with a girlfriend or a boyfriend or and then just everyone finds out then and that's OK. Like, um, I think in terms of it all is that taking the time to to really know you and coming up to yourself is what's important. Um, and that not judging yourself for changing it, you know, is is important, too. Um, yeah, that's me. [00:45:00] Hi. Um, I'm Ethan. I go by, he pronounce preferably, um, this is sort of a spontaneous. I was sitting down and feeling quite inspired, so I thought I'd share my story, too. Um, I am going to be very disorientated throughout this whole story. It won't fit together until [00:45:30] sort of the end. When you realise that actually, the end probably should have been told first, and the start probably should have been at the end. But I'll start off with saying that, um, this is not really about me. It's about the same moral that we've sort of been getting on to about change and how change is a fantastical thing. And you should always embrace it at all times and get addicted to it. because getting addicted to change is a fantastic and healthy addiction. I recommend it to everybody. Um, [00:46:00] So I guess I'll begin with, uh, I, if you couldn't tell, have never had a true male father figure. Um, my biological father, Um, I guess you could call him a rabbit or a mouse. Um, he likes to have Children and run away. Uh, so when I was about two years old, my father cheated on my mother and my mother dragged him outside the door and said, Bye bye. Um, [00:46:30] and he went on to create my other seven brothers and sisters. Um, So I then grew up in a house and forgot that I had a biological father because my mom got with a new man who also happened to be friends with my, um, father at the time. Um, not anymore. Uh, and so that was where my other little brother came from. Number eight, [00:47:00] and I grew up until about 10, thinking he was my full brother. That er was my biological father, and everything was going really smoothly. Um, from about the age of eight, I sort of knew that I liked guys like more than I liked girls, but I hung out with girls all the time. I didn't really understand how that worked. And I didn't know what it was because I grew up in a Christchurch Bogan family. Um, and I got to the age of [00:47:30] about 12, and this is where the fun parts start coming in. Uh, and I said, Hey, Mum, what does it mean to be gay? And she said, Oh, don't worry about it, it doesn't matter. It doesn't apply to you. So I thought, OK, that's cool. Then we sort of got past that. I sort of went through school being very unusual shaving my head. Um, you know, all of those Christchurch Bogan things, um, and got [00:48:00] to year nine at high school. And, uh, there was the school gay because he was the only one that was out the only one out of all 2000 students. Um and so it sort of progressed to the point. I think I came out at school and at home at very similar times, like within the same week. But then again, coming out is something that you don't do for a week. You start, and then you stop by the time your heart stops. It's a constant thing. You just don't [00:48:30] stop coming out. Um, so I sat down with my mom again, and at this time, she, um, had been in a relationship for a few years with a new man after being married for six months with the man I thought was my father, then finding out I had another father. But that's a whole another story. Very complicated, very long, very touchy emotional, Um, and so I at the time was, of course, very confused about everything that went on in my life. And I said, Mom, [00:49:00] I think I'm bisexual And she said, It's probably just a phase. We've all heard that one before, and me sort of sticking to the whole stereotypical thing, left that for about a month and then sort of went, No, Mom, I'm gay And she said, No, you've got to stick your stick and everything before you know what you are. Hm. Um, so that was interesting, and sort of at that point is when my mother's partner sort of showed his true colours [00:49:30] as a Christchurch Bogan, who also believed in extreme racism and extreme homophobia. Um, he was quite a physically abusive, emotionally abusive, mentally abusive human, not someone I recommend you ever deal with. Um, And then I came out at school and immediately because I wasn't a part of the air Cadet Force. Um, was now known as the school gay. Oh, it's that gay kid. Let's be friends with him because he's gay and he's going to be a great time. So my school outing was a [00:50:00] quite comfortable, quite relaxing, quite involved my home outing by the time I was 14, I sort of jumped out the window one morning at 7 a.m. and went and lived with my Gran for six months. Um, and then, after living with my grandmother to really embrace the whole homosexuality thing, um, and often dressed me up in her clothes for entertainment purposes, Um, [00:50:30] me and Gran went through a bit of a fallout, which was really quite sad, because I have a very strong relationship with my grandmother, and I do now. Thank goodness, um, and so in 2015, I left my grandmother's house, too, and sort of jumped around my friend's houses until I ended up living on the streets for a month, which is a very, um, eye opening experience, very disturbing experience. And, um, [00:51:00] getting past that, I found this fantastic flat who accepted me, even though all of them, all 12 of these people living in a house with nine bedrooms, um, were Christian and lovely and really accepting. And I really like to push that because I think that there's this, um, uncomfortability around the Christianity religion and that they all think that we're going to hell and, you know, we're just sort of devil spawn. [00:51:30] Um, So I sort of really appreciated the fact that these people brought me in and looked after me, and it was supposed to be two days. It turned into two weeks, and then it turned into what is now almost two years. Um, and I have found a great load of people, and my friend group always changes. I sort of jump to one friend group. And it's not always for bad reasons. It's more just we are different people now. It's been some time, and we just [00:52:00] sort of split and make new friends. Um, and I think sort of the direction I'm going once again is that change is a fantastic thing. And if you get into a situation that you like, if you don't like, if it's mediocre, if it's fantastic, just change it again. Because the next thing is coming. And the more you postpone it, the more you're going to sort of get that idea that change is a horrible thing. I like where I am now. This is good, but I think you don't realise that it could probably get better. And, um, yeah, thanks for listening. [00:52:30] Mhm respect. Morning to everyone. I thought I actually think it's a microphone. I'll just relax. Everyone. How are you? Did you sleep well? I don't You're lying. Are you? Yeah, exactly. But I lie. OK, so, um, my name is Lee, uh, Lee Eckland. And, um, I work [00:53:00] for the New Zealand AIDS Foundation, so I'm a sexual health promoter for gay and bisexual men. I will be doing a presentation today at 12 o'clock, and just, uh, I'm just gonna give you a little bit of a spiel about it. So I've got a positive speaker that's gonna come in about living with HIV and also about sexuality as well. So, um It's a very inspiring story. So, um yeah, just putting that out there. So, uh OK, so I was born in 1974. You you went Wow. [00:53:30] Like shocked. I know. I know, right? Oh, there you go. Uh, so Thank you, love. Uh, so, yeah. 1974. Um, I was born in England, Uh, town. So it's a very small fishing town. Um, so as you can imagine already that actually being a gay person in a small town was quite hard. Um, so, um, I started. I knew that I was a gay man when I was 10 [00:54:00] year old. I knew from a very, very early age, and the stronger my feelings got the worse. II I It wasn't for me to handle it, really, To be honest, I felt as though it was quite wrong to be like that. Um, especially at that age. Um, also not forgetting. When I was coming into my early teens that the epidemic of HIV and a I was absolutely rife and gay guys were dying. It was a plague, and [00:54:30] there was no cure. No one knew what it was. So that left a massive imprint in my mind. I can always remember there was an advert, and it was from such and such. And it's one of their most successful, um, adverts ever. And it was an advert of a gravestone. Um, and a grim Reaper chiselling AIDS kills, um, and it adds something about gay men underneath it. So [00:55:00] basically, he was scaring people not to have sex because there was nothing that they could do. There was no medication or anything. So, uh, so from that from then on, that absolutely imprinted in my mind that I cannot be a gay man because I will die. Um, and basically, he was stigmatising aids and HIV at that stage. But, um, because it was so lethal back in those days, I think there was a right to feel like that. Um, so as I got older, [00:55:30] my feelings were stronger and stronger. So I started, uh, dating girls at 16. So, um, still knowing what I was, um I did love them for them. Um, don't get me wrong. Um, but I still knew all the way through dating girls to the age of 21 that I knew I was a gay man, actually, my my ex girlfriend told me I was gay. So game over really, isn't it? [00:56:00] It really is. And her name was Tony. And she says to me, You didn't go out me because my name's Tony. And I was like, Fuck! Like, seriously, did you ever think of a man when we was, you know? And I was like, No, not at all. You know, I didn't know any different. I didn't sleep with a man at all, so I didn't know what it was like. So, you know, I I It was Yeah, I was bursting at the scenes to come out of the closet, to be honest, So So, um yeah. So from the age of 16 to 21 [00:56:30] I was dating girls, and then I slept with a man at 21 and it felt so right. But it was so wrong, which even messed my head up even more. Um, probably one of the other reasons for me not coming out of the closet as well was at school. Um, I did get bullied at school. Um, because I was 5 ft and a cigarette paper. I was tiny. Um, [00:57:00] so you know the short young kids at school. That was very late at growing up in every department. Um, so, you know, I was He was a target, really? And I was a little camp little twink. That voice didn't break till I was 16 17 or something. So, um and it was about I think it was proving people, right? I didn't want to prove those people right that bullied me. You know, I just wanted to stick by it and think, No, you're not right. [00:57:30] You know, I, I can get over this. And clearly, as we all know, you can't get away from what you are. Really? So you know, if you know that you got you are you can't You're not going to fight it. You can. Or you can live life absolutely miserably. Like a lot of older guys in our community back in the day, um, in the fifties and sixties, you know, um, they just followed protocol, like, got married and had kids and and imagine living a life like that, you know? [00:58:00] So So I think we've got it definitely a lot easier today than than they had it back in the day. So coming out to my parents. So 22 weeks after I engaged with this man. It's nice, man. Jordy, actually, um, two weeks after I engaged with this man, I was speaking to a friend of mine on the phone and my mother [00:58:30] just burst the door open and just looked at me, and she was grey, and she just said, Please tell me it's not true. So I'm like, um Ok, um, I'll call you back later. I've got something to talk to my mother about. And that even made me worse because I just thought, you know, they're embarrassed. I'm embarrassed in the family, you know? It's it's it's, you know, and it made me feel even more awful. So So I went downstairs and I explained to my mum, [00:59:00] I've I've always known um, you know, I, I can't fight this anymore. I can't. So you're gonna have to get used to it enough. Really. Um, so she told me not to tell my father for three years. Well, she told me not to tell my father, so fair enough. You know my dad better than me, Apparently. So I'm not gonna tell him. Uh, so, uh, when I was 20 just turned 24. I moved to the Canary Islands so called Tenerife. So imagine Ibiza. [00:59:30] So if you can imagine 24 moving to a tropical island for four years, it was fun. But I really moved away to be to to come out being a gay man, which I feel is wrong. Really. No one should really move away from where they're from to feel comfortable. But the problem was is that when I was, um when I moved away, my parents are still coming over to come and see me, but because my father didn't know, my mother knew I had to go around telling all my friends [01:00:00] just to be careful. And I was like, What? What the hell am I What am I doing? You know, I've moved 2000 miles away to actually come out of the closet. Um, it wasn't happening, So er my mum told me. She said, OK, you can tell your father. So I told my father because I was very upset about meeting someone, and it didn't work out. Uh, and then, uh, So I told him and, um, the room went absolutely quiet. So he I think that he was a bit shocked as well. So what I didn't know until [01:00:30] two days afterwards is that when my father went back to the apartment, he passed out. So my mum's got a tea towel and waff at him trying to wake him up with a tea towel. Um, and two weeks later, it so the side of his face had dropped. So I was like, Oh my God, he's had a stroke and it's my fault, but it obviously it it's got nothing to do with that ball. You can just happen at any time at all. So there was that stress on it on top as well. So [01:01:00] as the years go on, they got a lot more used to it. And do you know what it was down to that they wasn't embarrassed about me. In the fifties and sixties, gays were beaten up. They were so stigmatised and they were even killed, especially in a small town like mine. And they thought that that's what people, other people are going to treat me like, so that's what they worried about. So as soon as they knew that, everybody just treat me the same as just a normal person. That's when they was at peace of mind. And [01:01:30] as soon as my father knew that I was a gay man, that's when I started living life because I had nothing to hide anymore because he was the only person. They were the main people that I wanted to know and and everybody else knew, probably apart from them beforehand. So, yeah, um, as soon as they found out, that's when I was just being myself. So So now you know, I. I do drag now and again. My mother sends me sequin dresses through the post. My father will say, Oh, there's a number that I think it would be quite [01:02:00] funny for you. Um, it's like he's my manager. My mom's a wardrobe manager. It's It's amazing. And I never would have thought that it would have, you know, been like this. Yes, love Lily. A little loud mouth. Hey, hey, hey, Elizabeth. She's a She's an acquired taste. She's a 50 year old barfly from, um, the rovers return if you want to be perfectly honest, but yeah, but yeah, and I just think, um and my mom [01:02:30] loves it. she loves. Like she does a couple of YouTube videos. She she she absolutely loves it. And I never would have thought in years earlier that my life would have been like it was now. And I think that coming to New Zealand as well has definitely inspired me to be even more so Because I think that New Zealand's pretty much got it up there with laws and regulations for, you know, homosexual law reform, marriage, equality. The needle exchange as well is a new one. That's huge. The prostitutes collective it. You know, I, I could [01:03:00] go on. I think that this is definitely lead by example. And I feel very privileged to to call this my home now, to be honest, um, is there any other do you want? I think is that do you? No more. You found out some juice on Lily E. Ok, um 00, Um, yeah. I was wondering what is the needle exchange? [01:03:30] The the needle exchange, um is DH DP. So it's a needle exchange for, uh, people that use needles. And it's not necessarily drugs. It's for for steroids as well. And and other medications as well. So Yeah, there's a lot of stigma with that as well. But because they have got a needle exchange here, it's reducing infections of hepatitis, C and even HIV. So it's reduced it massively and it works. It's not promoting drug use. [01:04:00] It's like I I'm a sex promoter. So condom use is a is a must for us. It's our number one. I'm not promoting sex. I'm promoting safe sex, you know? And it's working. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever Did you ever expect to be cooking for a whole bunch of gas like No. So I was doing hospitality for 15 years, And, um, for me to come into this to to to [01:04:30] come to the health sector to be a health promoter I was volunteering for the New Zealand A foundation for for 3.5 years. So for me, volunteering has completely changed my my career path, and this is and I've been wanting to know what my dream job is. And for years I came to 39 and I was like, I still don't know what. Well, actually, about 38 37 I still don't know what I want to do. I'm getting old I need to know, and it's it's bullshit. You don't You know what you want to do, and there's no time [01:05:00] span on it. So a bit of advice really don't stress out if you don't know what you want to do until you early third, you know, mid thirties, early forties, because it you don't know. It'll just come to you like that. It it's It's strange how things work out. It really is. But yeah. Oh, yeah. Um, we'll open up the panel for, I guess, like everyone for questions, for everyone, but yeah, OK, so I'm just wondering, we can go on and on [01:05:30] and on about how we have been rejected from the majority, like within our lifetime. I, I was just wondering, Have you guys ever experienced some, like, rejection or detachment from the LGBT Q plus community at any time? Um, for myself personally, um, not so much rejection. But, um, there is like, an element of, um to me. Often people don't in our community [01:06:00] don't believe or don't take me seriously as a queer person, um, as part of the community. Um, and that can be like being kind of invisible within the community can actually be really hard. Um, yeah, because you don't want to change who you are. Um, and you who you are is legitimate. And you know, all those things. Um, yeah, but sometimes not being taken seriously and not being seen by [01:06:30] the our own like community can be really hard. So that's one thing that I've, um, had a hard time with. Yeah, within the community. Um, OK, um, for me, specifically, I'm very, very, very mixed in terms of my cultures. My mum is half Japanese and half Ukrainian. And then on my dad's side, I'm like, miscellaneous into and also Maori. Um, so I kind of, like fit into a lot of different cultures and also, like, I'm transgender. And then also, I've got a diverse sexuality, So I've got [01:07:00] a lot of minority boxes that I fit into, Um, And for me, sometimes I struggle with a little bit of like, lack of intersectionality. Like some Well, like, particularly in high school. I only went to like, a couple of sessions of the QS A because, um, uh, some of the members, like it was predominantly very pakeha. And some of the members would be like, Oh, like, especially when Rachel Do came into mainstream media being like guys. I'm white, but I'm actually black. Um, [01:07:30] I, um, saw a lot of, um pakeha members of my schools QS a being like, Well, I don't see how it's different. And I was like, uh, I don't really like as one of the only Maori people in the group have to be the one to explain to you why that's bad. Like, I would like you to just be a little bit more in section in intersectional and go like research, all of the stuff on your own instead of kind of being like, No, it's cool. So, like, yeah, for me. Um, that's where I struggle a little bit. Um, but like [01:08:00] generally in my adult life recently, it's been pretty good with inside out so good at the moment. So 6.5 gay years later. Um, I guess a lot of my I I've started to become stable in the idea of my identity as being unstable in a way so, you know, um and just there's just a a massive blur between my gender [01:08:30] identity and my sexuality because neither of them are clear cut. Of course. And I think a lot of that probably resonates to a lot of people in the room. Um, and watching the live stream. Hello? Um, so, like, where was I going to go with that? Um, so there's a lot of confusion about where I belong in, like, certain, you know, subsets of our spaces and and and in our in our communities and, like, you know, our larger rainbow community and that sort of thing. Um, And [01:09:00] despite saying that there's a larger rainbow community, you know, it's still a very, very small one. It's very insular. Uh, I discovered last night that there are people here from Invercargill and like and, you know, and we've got people from far north come from to shift as well. And like all of that like means that, you know, we deal with like, so was it was it Stewart? Ethan, why do I think? Stuart, I'm so sorry. Um, but like what you were saying [01:09:30] about, like, you know it, take that risk and, um, take that leap of faith or from faith, as it were, um, to like, you know, go to different, like find different friend circles and stuff. Um, that's really, really I. I I'll cosponsor that advice to an extent. Um, but it was also like, uh, as far as the rain community goes, there's a limit to that. And we have to be careful about how we're navigating our those relationships with each other. Right? Um, whether you're coming from a position of privilege or not just being aware [01:10:00] that, um, you know, there's only so many of us here, and, uh, that we've got to be very careful about how, um, we're navigating not just, you know, figuring out who we are and our identities and stuff. And that's very important, but also being aware that that comes in the context of everybody around us doing the same thing. And that's kind of the nuts and bolts of rainbow community. And if we're gonna have a rainbow community, we've got to be striking. You know that balance between ourselves and the collective [01:10:30] Well, my transition into the new school wasn't all going in happy with little fairies. Um, there was one aspect of like there were already, like, a whole group of gay people already there, and at one stage it was kind of a they. They made it a competition between me and them kind of thing. It's like I don't know what happened, but it's just since I was the new [01:11:00] person on the boat, they saw me as kind of like, you know, um, schools have, like, social hierarchies or something, so they saw themselves as like the only gay person. And as soon as I went into there, they saw me as they they tried being friends with me, But then they eventually they saw me as competition. And I'm just like I'm OK, and so every time, So they've kind of, like, got their little friends group. But they're they're always causing trouble with me now, and it's like [01:11:30] they're trying to make my social life kind of down there so they can be up there, so to say it's just like they want to keep on top of the crown and they don't want anybody else to take it. And as soon as they see someone new coming in, they want to pretty much keep me in my place down there, and I just want to be friends with them, that's all. And every time I try and be friends with them, they wedge something between us, [01:12:00] and it's like, very annoying. And it's just like change is a very like, good thing, but going into it blind sometimes you just don't see the real side of some people that you try and make friends with. And that's a real danger sometimes, but still take a leap without faith, like, Yeah. Hi. Yeah, So I noticed. Um, a lot of people brought up, um, religion slash Christianity. And that's [01:12:30] something that, um, really kind of speaks to me as a lesbian and former Christian who's really, really struggled with that whole journey. Um, so I was just wondering, um, like, if I could hear more about that kind of thing. Like for people that that relates to Because I've had both positive experiences with friends that are Christian, um, and accepted me. And then I've had negative experiences with who think that it's demonic and like, something [01:13:00] totally within your control and like, the whole repression of that. So that's kind of less a question and more like an invitation to elaborate. Yeah. Um, yeah. So I was raised Christian. I am no longer. Um, so I guess with my like how it related to my coming out and stuff. I had a lot of sort of false starts before I kind of realised. Oh, my God, I'm gay. [01:13:30] Um, and then Trans and Non-binary and whatever else came after that as well. Once I actually had the language to explain those things. Um, but for me, like one of my like and I And, you know, I went through several depressive episodes and the first one, you know, and like, I just struggled to understand why they were why they were happening to me, I guess. And, um, with the first one, I ended up just well, I lost my religious face because of that first one, because I was like, No, but my my my conclusion [01:14:00] after nine months of being really, really, really poor mental health, you know, my conclusion was, um you know, there's no way and benevolent God would put people through this sort of test. This is just in, like, literally insane. Like, actually, I was just, you know, out of just totally out of it mentally, um and so that so that so that kind of triggered my crisis of faith. Um, and, uh, so sort of almost actually ended up testing the waters for coming up [01:14:30] before I realised that that was what I was doing because this was all still, like I was 18 when I was like, Oh, my God, actually, I'm gay. What am I going to do about myself for my life? Um, but, uh, so this was, like, 15 or 16 Where, um, I was looking at, you know? Oh, I don't believe in God anymore. What just happened after that? Nine months And, like, um, I I So I tested the waters that Christmas, and I was like, um, Mum, Dad, I don't want to go to the Christmas service. I don't believe in God anymore. And my dad goes, No, you do. Yeah, [01:15:00] you do. You know, I mean, you believe in God. No, you can't. You can't do that. No, you're not. I'm an atheist. No, you're not. No, you're not. So when I was getting ready to poise to come out and stuff, I was just terrified that he was going to be his reaction, right? No, you're not. Um, but it was interesting How those like those overlaps actually allowed. Give me. Gave me another opportunity to sort of test the waters as well. Um, instead of like, doing the well, I also did the whole test in the waters with I think I might be buying a card as well. Um, [01:15:30] but like that also, So I managed. I guess I managed to present it as an opportunity. Yeah. Um, yeah, uh, in terms of any kind of spirituality, I think it is, um, a really difficult journey when your identity clashes with, you know, your belief systems and especially growing up, um, Christian or growing up in any faith. Um, And then suddenly, you know, um, a part of [01:16:00] your identity Kind of being a bad part of that faith is, um, it definitely you have a war within yourself. You do, um, for a long, long time. Um and I guess the things that I've learned from it, um are that, um, it's it is difficult and that finding good mentors, finding good support. Um, actually, one of the best people for that support was, um, the [01:16:30] previous pastor of my church. Um, she was a stone and um, not in the way that we had huge discussions about my sexuality and like, Oh, yeah, you know, um, talking about, um it was, like, for me, it was more the fact that she was just very steady, Um, and treated me the same and, um, didn't didn't make a big old fuss about it, which, um, at the time, actually was what I needed the most. Um, in terms of having friends that will accept you. It's amazing. [01:17:00] Um, and that that's the thing. Like, there will be people anywhere. Um, no matter if they're religious or not or, you know, from from different backgrounds or, um, you know, any kind of context like that, there are gonna be people who will accept you and reject you. Um, and it's just I guess, uh, it's kind of a The thing to do is having to find the people who will be there for you and not exactly cutting off the people who won't. But, um, putting down boundaries [01:17:30] and saying, Look, this this is who I am, and if you're not going to accept me for who I am, then I can't have you coming into my space I can't have you coming in to my life and wreaking that havoc, you know, because, I mean, I'm sure you guys will relate. We've we've fought ourselves and you know, other other people in our lives to to be where we are today, um, and that also, in terms of going forward with religion, like, I'm I don't say that I'm Christian [01:18:00] anymore, but I haven't put the not, like, completely shut the door. Um, So because there are parts of the religion that, um, are the faith and the practises that that have made me who I am, Um, and I think they're still very, very beautiful. Um, and the way that I've moved forward with that is that, um, like, it's like some people think it's kind of wrong to go to services and not kind of announce that, you know, like you, you're, [01:18:30] you know, not of, um, you know, straight sexuality or your gender. But the thing is, is that you don't have to feel pressured or like, you're a a bad person for going to any kind of religious thing where they believe that these people shouldn't be here. Um, because at the end, of the day. Um, I feel like a lot of religions are about accepting and love and peace. And so if people aren't going to practise what they preach, then that's their That's their problem. [01:19:00] And it has nothing to do with who you are. Um, and it's just the fact that we're all human and that we're all evolving and struggling and that those people just have a bit more to struggle. And that's OK. Um, yeah, we just have one online question, which is a pretty broad question. So you're all welcome to answer it. Um, if you had one wish for the LGBT Q plus community, what would it be and why, thank you. I think it's a pretty generic wish. And as much as I love being special, [01:19:30] I think it would be fantastic, you know? And I think all of us probably secretly wish this somewhere down deep in our hearts that one day you can just be like I mean, coming out just doesn't exist. It's just like you don't assume anything you don't. It's just like Oh, mom, Dad, Oh, school. Oh, everyone. I like guys and they're just like cool. What's next thanks. Yeah. Um, I guess my wish. Um, after being at the [01:20:00] would be for that, um, towns and countries and, well, just general communities, um, come to not only accept us, but support us and, you know, give us resources and funding and support just general support so that we can keep having workshops and camps and having areas where people can feel safe to be who they are and tell their stories and learn and share. Um, yeah, that would be a awesome wish for [01:20:30] me. Yeah, my way would be probably less boundaries between everybody like religion, LGBT, Q, different people, just those boundaries that separate us into different groups. Just to go all together and us to just mingle together because it's just like we're all the same. In essence, although we have different unique beliefs, we're all one [01:21:00] people in the end, that's it. We're just one group of people living on a really lonely planet. So it's like it's just all be one instead of divided. Um, I have so many wishes for our communities, um, but I think one that I like stands out to me at the moment. Is that, um, that our relationships, not just our intimate, like our partner relationships, [01:21:30] but our friendships and our queer way of being with each other. Um, I'd love to see that celebrated because I think that that is just for me. It's been like one of the absolute best parts of my life, and I think that we have a really special thing that we can offer each other and also everyone else everyone else who's not part of our communities. And I really would just love to see, um, that recognised and celebrated, Um, as much as it should be. Um, OK, my big [01:22:00] wish for, um, LGBT communities all over the world is, um, the deconstruction of institutionalised systems of oppression against trans and gay and everything. Um um and also just, like free. Like cheap access to healthcare for trans people. Please. Like please, um, like like, make it easier. Don't You don't have to be diagnosed with some stupid disorder to be trans like, Let people just, like, have access to hormones [01:22:30] when they need it. Um, and also like the end of violence towards G BT people. My and my thoughts are with the people in Russia, right? now? Um, yeah. It would be great if that stopped. Cool. Ja. Jay saw a whole heap of my thunder. So all I So all I'm going to say is smash capitalism. [01:23:00] It's sad to be so Got nothing to say now, which has not happened often. Uh, a perfect example. The law reform 1986. It wasn't just gay men that lobbied for that. It was it was everybody. A community can make such a change in life in society. It's important that everybody just we stick together because you you don't know whether we we we'll need that again one day. I'll tell you that now. So, um, it's just rainbow power, [01:23:30] isn't it? Puke and rainbows everywhere.
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