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It was when I was alone at night in my room, I would sleep on the floor because I felt I didn't deserve to sleep in the bed. I would cry myself to sleep. I didn't want anyone else to see that side of me. I grew up in Auckland in a very Christian family. I was the oldest, the the only boy of three younger sisters. We all went to church regularly, and I guess I just absorbed those values. I remember when something gay came up on [00:00:30] TV. I'd see that negative look on Mum's face, I guess. Unconsciously, I began picking up all those messages at school. I had a group of geeky friends who were really supportive but would also join in on the gay jokes. And then at 13, it suddenly clicked. It was when I put this word gay together with these feelings I was having. The thing was, I knew exactly 100% who I was sexually at that point in time, and I didn't want to [00:01:00] be it. I guess it started out as an annoyance and then started to grow into hatred. I began to hate the fact that I was gay. If I can just push away this part of me, it'll be OK. I became really self-conscious. I was always overthinking everything. The way I was moving what I was doing. I became very good at masking what I was feeling. At the same time I was using Internet chat. I didn't know any gays and lesbians in person but online. [00:01:30] I started searching and asking questions from people who were going through the same thing. I guess I had many different lives. I was living so at around 16. It all just started spilling over. That feeling bad just got stronger and stronger. I began to withdraw. I lost interest in things music. Then food life started becoming very grey. Rather than just hating this gay part of myself. I started hating all of myself. I thought that I was evil and disgusting [00:02:00] and shouldn't be here. Negative self talk was with me constantly. I was punishing myself, but it was purely coming from inside. I hadn't been teased or bullied. This was all self inflicted. Then everything went up a notch and I started having dreams about dying and killing myself. I started self harming it was easier to have physical pain than to deal with the pain in my head. [00:02:30] Suddenly a shift in my world. One day I was talking online to a person from school. He asked the usual question. How's it going? And instead of my usual reply, I said, I'm feeling crap. And he asked, What's going on? He encouraged me to tell my close friends and to see the school guidance counsellor. But even though I was now talking to people, I was getting worse. Having hated myself for so many [00:03:00] years, the only feeling I felt was bad. I remember doing a speech at school. I picked the topic. Teenagers never had it better, but because of my state of mind, I made it. Teenagers never had it worse. I did the speech in front of my class, and during it I grabbed a pair of scissors and I cut myself. Now everything in my life was about getting me out of this place that I was in. My dad took me to a psychiatrist. [00:03:30] We talked and she gave me a book on depression, one of the most amazing books ever. I was reading about everything. I was experiencing. I began to recognise that this was the Depression and not me. I wanted to change, but it was still too much effort. It felt easier to stay hating myself and being suicidal. So I was put on antidepressants. They stopped me going lower. They stabilised me and actually lifted me up a bit so that I could try [00:04:00] and get through this. And part of that was coming out to my parents. That was the most nervous moment of my life. But it was the biggest relief. Depression does go away for me. It's taken about eight years. I started feeling better after the psychiatrist, but the negative thoughts kept coming back. Sometimes you need to ask for help. Talking about it means you're beginning to deal with it. Depression is not who [00:04:30] you are, but something you are experiencing. Talk about it and get help from someone you trust a friend or counsellor. Find out as much information as you can and realise that you can absolutely change your feelings about who you are.
This page features computer generated text of the source audio. It may contain errors or omissions, so always listen back to the original media to confirm content.
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