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Hello. How are you today? I'm very well, Thank you. What's your name? Um, Billy. Is that your real name? No, it's not. It's a name I prefer. Prefer? Yes. Yes. So can you tell us about yourself? Um, I was born in Cape Town, South Africa. I've only been in New Zealand for three years now. I plan to stay for about three more years because I want to, um, get a degree, a graphic design degree. And, um, from there, go to Japan and teach English for [00:00:30] a bit. Yeah, that's I think that's me so far. So you live in Hamilton? Yes. Yes. I kind of live in Hamilton the whole three years. Um, no. I spent my first year in a bit in Auckland, and then we moved here. I think maybe two years or so ago. Yeah. I love Hamilton. Yeah, Yeah. You like Hamilton by hills and they have a river. Yeah. Yeah, I think like I find quite perfect. Like it's not too big and it's not too small. It's just [00:01:00] right. And really nice. This one is too big. This one is too fair. This one's too soft. This one's too small This one's all just right. Not where you got the hair. Oh, true. True. It's the one side. I'm half gold Lots. There we go. So, um, how old are you? I'm 18. 18? Yes. Um, what is your gender identity? [00:01:30] Female. I'm a feminine lesbian. So that's how you express? Um, yeah, yeah, because, I mean, you get masculine lesbians who I think are called dikes or something. I'm not too sure if it's an offensive term, but there's just something going. Oh, it's like us when we like to call ourselves fakes or we like to call ourselves queers. But when someone else says it, how dare they come? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like you can't call someone a nigger if you If you're white, you know, you gotta be nigger to call a nigger nigger. [00:02:00] OK, now we're just getting confused. So what is your sexual? Oh, yeah, Lesbian. Yeah, yeah, lesbian. Um, when did you realise, um, from a wee age, I always knew that I had some attraction to women because, um, I just I've summed it up as my appreciation for women. Like I've always loved being surrounded with women. I was always [00:02:30] around beautiful women. I was brought up by a single mom. My mom is everything to me. And not only my mom. Like my grandma, I've never, never had a masculine figure in my life. And it's my life's turned out pretty OK so far, you know, here in Hamilton? Yeah. Here in Hamilton. Yeah, but, um yeah, II. I honestly, I love women. I. I appreciate them more than the average person would. You know, it's It's an appreciation far beyond sexuality. It's not I'm [00:03:00] not a lesbian, because I, I appreciate a woman. You know, I'm a lesbian because it's partly who I am, but I've always known from a young age that, you know, I was different. Different? That's the name. Yeah. Yeah. It's all, um, is who you're attracted to. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, like when we younger we experiment with, you know, with people. And I've always enjoyed being with women. You don't have to go on. [00:03:30] I was like, what else do I say? Shit. Did I really say that? Same thing incriminating, but yeah. I mean, did you accept that you're, um, that you're a lesbian? Um, did you actually have a little stage where you were denying it for a little bit, and then you accepted it. Yeah, well, I suppose I could sort of say yes, but I never denied being attracted to women. It's not something I wasn't proud of. I was quite proud of [00:04:00] who I am, and you know what and how I've become. But, um, there was a stage where I thought because I mean, in society today, we're told that being a homosexual is a bad thing. You know, it's not a bad thing. It's not right. It's not normal. And yes, there was times where, you know, I met a few guys and, um, I think some sort of relationship or something. But it's I was never really there. I always felt that, you know, I was wasting my time Firstly, and they were wasting their time, you know? How did I make [00:04:30] them think that I was head of the hills, like in love with them? When really, I wasn't I was just trying to, you know, fit in and find find some sort of bearing. Yeah, but, um, everything happened at quite a young age for me. I grew up really, really fast so yeah. Yeah. So I think in today's society, people are more open about sexuality than they used to be. Yeah, I'm glad. So too. I mean, I don't see why I have to hide my identity for anybody you know, if you come up to me and introduce me and say, Oh, hi, I'm so and [00:05:00] so Then I could be like, Yeah, I'm Sinead or whatever. Billy and I and I'm a lesbian. I'm a proud lesbian. I love being proud. I'm proud of who I am and where I've come from, you know? And everything I've done in my life Yeah, I think, like, five years ago, there was a small toleration these days that are like, yay gay people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's changed, like, even in, like, back in the day, too. Where women had many more rights. Now, today, you know, women have sort of started, you know, they stood up, stand up and standing [00:05:30] up, for they stood up for themselves, and they presented themselves as a proud, feminine woman who is capable of doing so much more. You know, I, I wouldn't say we're equal to, you know, men. But we are capable of doing our own thing and being independent, too. We don't need to depend on, you know, a man. Yeah. So, um, have you ever fought there to keep your sexuality a secret from other people? Um, were you just very open about [00:06:00] it? I'm very open about it. But I am aware that it could make some people feel uncomfortable. Like I'm not a religious person, but I am quite spiritual. So I do go to churches. I can go to any holy sanction and just feel at peace. But I do know that at some churches won't openly say that I'm a lesbian. But if I was asked, I would say yes, I am. I'm gay, and that's it. And people are shocked, and they sort of get over it eventually because there's nothing they can do about it. You know? They can't pray it out of me. They can't, [00:06:30] you know, beat it out of me. They can't call me names and expect me to, you know, be straight after that. So, yeah. So, um, so you're not So you never really were in the closet, weren't you? No. There was no closet for me to step out of the closet is just where clothes are. My imagination, like the closet is something we've created for ourselves. And we come up well, we we come up with the stories like, Oh, this is how I came out the closet, you know? [00:07:00] But I've never I don't always see the need for a closet. You know, maybe there is a point in your life where you're uncertain of your sexual identity. But then you discover it after and then you just embrace it for what it is. Not like stepping out is not a big deal for me. I mean, I've met heaps of queer people who still would still be in the closet. But it's just that they respect their personal life and they keep their personal life private from everybody else. Go visit other people's closets like, Hey, what's in your closet [00:07:30] closet? It's quite comfy in here. You've got the whole couch, the TV. Why is he glitter on the wall? That'd be your closet. No closet. What closet? Yeah, yeah, the closet. I can't even fit in my closet anymore. I've outgrown my closet. Wow. Yeah. You had a closet, then I'm too shiny to be in the closet. I'm too fabulous. Yeah. [00:08:00] Where was I? So, um, So people come to do they come out to you? Um, yes. Yes. I've had two mates so far that have come out to me. And it's just amazing to see how much they've grown to and how how they've established. Um, the identity, too, with, you know, coming out firstly and then everything else after, because, I mean, there are people who are still in the closet, and they [00:08:30] feel that they have to pretend they're someone they're not. And I just think it's unfair because we were granted free will. And with free will, we're entitled to express ourselves in whatever manner we feel. Need Yeah, express your ma. So you've had a Do you have a bit of a support system? Um What, for myself? Yeah. Um, yeah, Well, I, I am my own support person. You know, I haven't, [00:09:00] um, had the need to talk to or rely on other people because, I mean, I've lost heaps of people in my life, and losing people from a young age sort of makes you depend on yourself in a way and it's not always easy, but I sort of overcome my battles by just being me and understanding that I am the way I am and that I can get through this, you know, without involving anybody else. Yeah, but I suppose my mum would be my support person. But [00:09:30] our relationship after her husband has been a bit tense, you know? So Mum and I aren't as close as we were six years ago. Yeah, but I suppose in a sense, maybe she'd been my support person when sexuality was still tolerated. Yeah. Yeah. Gosh. Like because, um my dad died when I was two years old, and all I ever had is my mum for about 12 years until she remarried. And, um, that was insane for me. I couldn't understand it because I'm [00:10:00] a very selfish person. And I didn't see why I had to share my mum with this man I can't tolerate, you know. And, you know, it wasn't only that I couldn't personally tolerate him, is that he didn't treat mum the way she she deserved to be treated. And I just thought it was so wrong for her to go through all that you know, and it it just like it broke up our relationship, and we drifted apart. But now that he's sort of out of the picture, we sort of grown back together again. But there's still that friction, you know. There's missing years. Yeah, Yeah, that still sort of impact our relationship at the moment. [00:10:30] Yeah. How was her reaction when you came when you told her? Well, she she sort of understood it. But in mum's head, she thinks it's a phase. And I understand why she thinks so. Because, I mean, she was my age and younger. She went through the same phase herself. And, you know, she settled down with a man who she loved. And she probably thinks that in her little mind that that would happen to me too, you know, And I mean, I don't hate her for thinking that way. You know, we we are entitled to our own opinions, [00:11:00] and that's just mum's opinion. But she, um she doesn't scrutinise me or she's not angry at me for being who I am. She she's brought me up the way I am today, you know, expressing who I am and my identity. Yeah, So, um, have you ever been in a relationship before? Yes, I have. Yeah. You wanna tell us about your relationship? Um, well, there was a point where I [00:11:30] was dating guys, and all that was quite dysfunctional because it didn't end too well, you know, they ended up hating me, because, um, I just wasn't me. Like I can't pretend I'm someone I know. I find it very difficult. And maybe in the beginning, I thought I did like you very much. And then I came to my senses and I thought to myself like, I don't like, What am I doing wasting my time, like in your time? Yeah, but like with, um, with girls I've been with it's been quite different, like all my ex girlfriends and I were friends, which is a good thing because none of [00:12:00] my ex-boyfriends and I are friends like they can't stand me, man. But, um, relationships for me personally is quite hard, because I I I'll class myself as a commitment phobe like, I find it really difficult to commit to someone. I think it's also because it's my my ego, in a sense, too, Like, I believe that I can do everything by myself. And I'm a strong and independent woman. And that sort of interferes when you when you you want to not settle down. But when you share your life with someone is, you know, being in [00:12:30] a relationship because that person wants to be a part of you, and you kind of grow together. But, um, yeah, my relationships were interesting, but last very long. No, I have a habit of, um I love that word. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because, I mean, they were beautiful, and there was times where weren't so beautiful, but, yeah, they were interesting. Yeah, sometimes interesting isn't always a good word, you know, But it's sort of like, you know, like sums up most of [00:13:00] what it was. Yeah. So, um, what is your definition of virginity? My definition of virginity would be purity. You know, like, um, I know in some cases, some people's virginity is taken from them, and I believe that if it was taken from you without your consent, that you can get it back, you know, because you're still pure in your heart. And if you know, but for me, like if virginity [00:13:30] was something I could see it would be the sky because it's so pure and so beautiful and out of control. You know, it's like we can't control it. And neither can we have virginity because we can't keep it forever. Oh, well, some people will try and keep it forever, but, um, it's just a lot of people believe that. Yeah, no, no, they don't. But I think it's because they misunderstood the whole form of virginity. You [00:14:00] know, it is your innocence and your purity. It was the beginning of your life matter, you know? So, yeah, I think that would be my definition of virginity that random things happening outside. So how do you meet other people? Um, I'm a very outgoing person. I'm an extrovert. So I find it real easy to meet people. If it was just walking down the street and saying hi to someone or, you know, sitting in Starbucks and just meeting someone random, you know, and just talking [00:14:30] to them. Yeah, because I believe sometimes that, um, you know, we all have our down moments and just being polite to someone, like smiling at them or saying hi sort of brightens their day and it makes like it sort of makes me feel good too. Just being nice to someone for no reason. You don't have to have a reason for good. You know, you can just do it because you want to. Yeah, I first that Starbucks is the place to go for the queer community in Hamilton. Yes, I'm not too sure about anywhere else but Hamilton, definitely. Like after group, [00:15:00] we just head off to Starbucks at the end. Chill. Um, maybe we may go tonight. Yeah, but we usually like sometimes we go on Wednesdays, too. And then after Starbucks, we go shoot some pool, but yeah, it's it's it's good that we can go out there and still be together and still be a community, because heaps of the time, we just or you find gay groups that are just, you know, out in their little group environment. And as soon as they go out, they just stay out. Yeah. Yeah, and [00:15:30] it's like it can be OK, like pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I even understand that being a youth work too. If I see a group member, I can't just blatantly be like, Hey, are you coming in a group today. And if they're with their friends and they're not out, you know, they might I. I didn't want to out anyone. I feel it's wrong. If you want to come out and express your sexuality, then you should do that. You should be the person to do that. Nobody else. So have you received any abuse or abusive behaviour? [00:16:00] No. Like, I wouldn't class it as abuse. But I do get the odd occasion where we asked, like really weird questions, especially about, like, you know, in the bedroom. And, um yeah, yeah, honestly, Like, I just walked out of wacky this once and well, the footpath is really narrow. And, um, I stopped because I saw this man and then he stopped because he saw me. And then he's like, No, no, you walk. And I was like, No, no, no, You go and then we end up walking together, and we walked together for I think about, like, maybe close to 20 minutes, and we were just We just started talking randomly, [00:16:30] and then he asked me where I came from, and I was like, Oh, just like, um group. And he was like, Oh, what is it? I was like, Oh, it's a gay group where gay people get together and socialise and what not? And he was like, Oh, that's cool. And he's like, I've never met a gay person before And I was like, Oh, first time for everything And, um, he asked me like What is it like being gay? And then he asked me something Really on the lines of, um, do gay people straight People have the same organs. And I was like, Well, besides our genitalia, Yes, you know, we pretty much are the same. It's just how [00:17:00] how we love and who we love, you know. But I like even at school, I've been bombarded with girls, but I wasn't intimidated by it because they asked me all these questions. And I know that they may not ever find another gay person who's as open as I am to actually answer their questions because they could come up with all sorts of assumptions and make fun of queer people where we're not here. We're not here as a joke, you know, And um, I think Al, I don't know, like people are different, [00:17:30] but I think like open minded queer people and extroverts. We should actually be open enough to talk about our sexuality and our community because there's a whole other world out there and they don't know much about us, you know? And it's good to just kind of get it out, answer these silly questions. And if you like, there were times where I felt really uncomfortable. And I just say, You know what? I don't feel too comfortable answering this, But if you have another question just like, shouldn't ask me. Yeah, well, thank you for the interview. Oh, you're welcome. Any time.
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