This page features computer generated text of the source audio. It may contain errors or omissions, so always listen back to the original media to confirm content. You can search the text using Ctrl-F, and you can also play the audio by clicking on a desired timestamp.
I am queer fem fat, amazing person, Uh, who has a mental illness. Do you wanna, um, tell me a little bit more about, um, what some of those identities mean to you? Yeah. Uh, so for me, um, being FM is about being able to be who I am. When I first sort of realised that I was really, really queer, I [00:00:30] thought that that meant that I had to, um, be super butch and shave all my hair off. And I just had a lot of kind of I had a really difficult time, and I moved to uni, and I was It was it was amazing. And it was also just horrible. Um, and then I slowly kind of realised that actually, I can wear lipstick and I can wear dresses. And also, if I don't want to and I want to wear my plaid and my docks, it's also completely acceptable. Um, [00:01:00] and I think that was the biggest kind of moment for me was realising that, um that even though I liked, because at the time I was I identified as a lesbian, which I don't anymore. But, um, the biggest thing was realising that I could be queer and also fem and that even though it sometimes meant that I was invisible um, it was OK. Um, the biggest thing about being th is that [00:01:30] I've discovered is that, um you go to the gay bar and you're just seen as being a straight person who's there with their gay best friend, Um, which is always really fun. It's not fun at all. Um, I've had people who I went to high school with who are openly queer come up to me and be like, What are you doing here? And I'm like, Well, the same thing you are probably like trying to trying to meet a babe. And they're like, No, but you're not You're not gay. And I was like, Well, [00:02:00] actually, I am a bit, um in terms of being fat, it's also, um, been quite difficult, especially in terms of, um I guess, like gender identity kind of stuff, because I have days where I want to be really endogenous. And it took a long time for me to realise that you can be androgynous without having to be super thin and wearing like men's clothes. [00:02:30] And, um and now I'm just like, yeah, I'm an endogenous fan sometimes which a lot of people don't really understand. And sometimes I don't understand, but I think that's the beauty of it. Um, how did you realise that it was OK to to be to be those things, a lot of Internet? Um, I don't read books. I find it quite difficult to read books and to read like, scholarly articles and things. [00:03:00] So a lot of it was literally just, um probably tumblr, to be honest, Um, when I was really sick, um, and not going to university, Um, because I was super mentally ill and crazy. I would just be online all the time on Tumblr and Twitter and get linked to blog posts. And you see people discussing things. And that was really how I kind of went from being a tiny baby lesbian who was a super white feminist TM [00:03:30] to being like, um, an intersectional queer feminist. Um, so it's it's taken a while, and but I'm at a good space. I think right now can be better, though. Definitely. Um, I guess when you were kind of growing up in this figuring out your, um, sexuality What did you feel like there were messages or the idea of I guess at that point for being lesbian was to be but to [00:04:00] be, Yeah, yeah, so because I'm I mean, I don't like admitting it, but I'm generally attracted to more masculine presenting people. And I was like, in order to be attracted to those people, I definitely have to present in a very thin way. And then I was like, No, I don't I need to be really butch. And it was just, you see, on V and in media, the present of like, um, the fem girl is always actually just she's bisexual, but actually, she's not bisexual. She's just she's actually [00:04:30] just straight, but she's like trying to impress men. Um, or the other side of it is the, um, like, shaved head. Really butch often really fat, Um, like stone butch looking people. And so it's like one or the other, and there's no kind of middle ground. Um, so I think that definitely, um and I wanted to be seen. I didn't want to be invisible. I wanted people to know I was queer because I'd grown up in a sort of [00:05:00] semi rural setting and had just been teased for ages about being gay. And everyone kind of knew before I did. And so I was like, Well, now I'm in Wellington. I'm in this big city, and there are lots of queer people, and it's amazing you can be yourself. So I'm gonna make sure that everyone knows that I'm super super gay. How did you do that? Um, I What did I do? I think I shaved off one side of my hair. I already [00:05:30] had quite short hair, but I shaved off one side, and I, um, started wearing do maddens because I was, like, everyone has to wear do martens if they're a lesbian. Um, and I got some shirts, Um, and I sort of stopped wearing dresses and skirts and generally kind of got a lot more like grungy, um, which was like it was a good aesthetic, but definitely, um, not something that I think I truly [00:06:00] kind of felt like I fitted in with or belonged with. Yeah, um, And what was your journey from, um, from using the word least been moving to queer for your sexuality and gender. Um, I went from lesbian to bisexuals. When I first kind of came out, I was like, I'm bisexual and it was really difficult. Um, my mom, Immediately when I came out as bisexual, she literally put me in the car and drove me to a psychiatrist. And we had a discussion, [00:06:30] and my mom was really not OK with it. And she thought I was doing it to spite her. So I kind of just stayed as bisexual because I kind of that's what I thought it was. Um and then I was like, No, I'm actually a lesbian. Um, and then I kind of realised that No, I was I was interested in men, and then I kind of realised that there are other identities that fit outside of that. Um, so I kind of toyed with the idea of pansexuality, um, and [00:07:00] stuff to do with not being sort of mono sexual and things like that. But I realised that queer was a lot better because it fitted in with, um, my sexuality as well as my gender identity. Um, and it also seems like a lot more of a political word of what at the time, I was very angry and political, um, and feminist. And I thought that that was probably the right way to go about describing myself. Um, and it's reclaiming a word that people use [00:07:30] to hurt people. Like my parents are of the age where that's an acceptable word to use to describe something that's not right. And I feel like I'm not right sometimes. So it fits quite well. Yeah. And what about when you were first kind of, um, realising your sexuality was different to the norm. What was that like? I remember I have this really vivid memory of being I must have been. I was in year nine. I think. So. I must have been about 12, or maybe 13. [00:08:00] And I remember talking to my friends about the idea of being bi curious, and they were all like, Oh, that's that's so gross. What do you mean? And I was like, Well, no. Are you not curious at all about what it's like to, like kiss another girl? Um and I actually got them all being like, Oh, yeah, Well, I guess I am bi. Um so I think that was I didn't really think much of it at the time, but looking back on it, there are definitely things that I'm like. Oh, that probably, um was me [00:08:30] kind of experimenting and testing the waters and things like that. Um, and I know my mom would watch Coronation Street, and there was a gay man, um, on the show, Um, and she was really, really, um, sort of supportive of him and I. I think I asked her once what she would do if one of her kids was gay. And I think the sort of reaction was like, Oh, it's OK if it's someone else's kid, but not mine. I don't think I could deal with that. Um and so [00:09:00] it was something I didn't really kind of want to talk about for ages. And then, um, I was really, really sick, and I decided that it was time to probably tell my mom because it had kind of been eating away at me. Um and so I told her, and that's when um, she kind of was not particularly impressed. Um, we literally never discussed it ever again. Um, for a good couple of years, until I got really mentally unwell again and her way of bringing it up was asking [00:09:30] if I was, um, depressed because of that thing we talked about a couple of years ago. Um, so I guess for me, it's been like there have been people that I'm really, really open about talking about gender and sexuality and stuff with and other people who I don't want to go anywhere near it with. So I'm still not completely out, and it's still, like a journey. Um, but I know [00:10:00] that someone who really helped me was, um and I don't think he necessarily I don't think he realises what he did, but, um, he was he did theatre with me. Um, and he was quite a few years older than me, and he was so gay, and he was so out. And he was just amazing. And the kindest dude ever, Um, and I as I was starting to sort of realise my sexuality and stuff, I would text him about what it was like for him coming out. And, um, we would discuss [00:10:30] that, like, late at night at, like, 12 at night, when everyone was asleep, and it was all very secret. And I was kind of just sort of Yeah, it was all very secret for a very long time. Yeah. Then I came to Wellington, and I was like, Look at me. I'm a fan, and so has your experience of, um, mental illness Has that intersected with your queer identity? I think I mean, a lot of a lot. A lot, a lot. [00:11:00] Probably Almost all. I think statistically, I'm not sure if the statistics, but, I mean, queer people have really, really high rates of mental illness, So, uh, 100% I fully believe that probably part of it is to do with that, especially in terms of the reaction of people around me when I came out and not wanting to come out and things like that. Um, my psychiatrist didn't help when she The first question she asked me was, Do I have dreams about girls and boys? And I had to answer [00:11:30] that in front of my mom, which at 15, was like, I felt completely inappropriate. Um, so I've kind of It's definitely, I think impacted on that, Um but I think there are a lot of reasons why I have mental illness and various different mental illnesses, and I think part of it is genetics. Part of it is, um, being fat. Um, I had a lot of problems with that growing up, so I've always been fat. I was born fat, and I've stayed [00:12:00] fat. Um, but it's I've definitely found it. Sometimes I have really, really bad social anxiety, and it makes it difficult going to events. Sometimes I find that it's really hard to go to inclusive events because they don't really exist. And then sometimes the anxiety or being unwell and not being able to sort of get out of the house to actually go to them. Um, and I found that a lot of the queer people I've met who I've [00:12:30] wanted to stay friends with, I haven't been able to purely because I haven't been able to sort of leave the house sometimes to be able to maintain a friendship with them. Um, so it's definitely kind of impacted a lot of places in my life, but I think especially the queer part of my life as well Has there been times where you've been, um, able to kind of find that, um I guess, like community in real life? Or is that something that's important [00:13:00] to you, Or has that meant that, um, that maybe the internet is like a place where you, um, find a little of that kind of community or Yeah, especially, um, when I was sick, the internet was 100%. Um, the only place that I would I had a community. Um, now that I'm reasonably well, I feel like I have that offline, but definitely, um, things like Tumblr and Twitter. Um, blogs were, um, really important [00:13:30] to me maintaining a community. And it wasn't It wasn't just queer people, though. A lot of them were queer. Um, it was amazing feminist people, and I learned a lot about fat politics as well. Um, and just kind of realising that my body was OK being fat and that as someone who doesn't really feel sis, but definitely looks sis, um, it's been kind of good to realise that, actually, [00:14:00] I can be who I want to be, But also, I don't have to look that way if that makes sense, um, which has been It was the most I think important part in a lot of ways was the internet. Internet was such a great invention. amazing. Um, yeah. I feel like I have a community. Not so much anymore now that I've got a sort of a full time job. But I definitely I've made a lot of friends. Um especially [00:14:30] in the States. I have a best friend in Melbourne now. We met in real life for the first time after meeting online about three years ago, and I saw her over Christmas. She's an amazing, beautiful, queer feminist And, um, like it's just it's kind of it's amazing to think that you can have these friendships that start out online and then actually become real life friendships that are queer people as well. It's really great. Is [00:15:00] it hard? Um, not having those parts of your identity read? Um, yeah, I think I was thinking about this earlier, and I think, um, I don't mind it so much. I don't mind if I am called, um, by I guess, like my birth name, because at work, that's something that has to happen. So I'm OK with that, um, at the moment. And, um, I feel like it's OK at the moment. Being [00:15:30] red assessed by a majority of people like at work and things. For instance, Um, I think the hardest part is when people who you've already talked to who you've already said, Please don't call me this. Um, you know, they continue to do that, and part of it is forgetting. And part of it, I think, is just them being lazy. I don't know. Um, it's quite difficult sometimes. Um, I think I don't identify as Trans, because I feel like [00:16:00] I don't, um I'm not trans enough, if that makes sense. Um, but I don't I don't feel like I'm sis either. Um, so not feeling trans enough is a bit of a hard thing to deal with. Um, don't feel like I can partake in, like, Rendon events. Um, um, sometimes I feel like I read an article once, and it was sort of said that, um, it was a really bad article like I. I don't agree with it, but it's kind of stuck with me and that, um a [00:16:30] lot of people these days don't feel comfortable being women because they're such minorities and you know, so oppressed that they decide that they want to be sort of even more oppressed. So they say they're not women just so that they don't have to, like, deal with it. Um, and I sort of feel like maybe that's how people read me sometimes is, um is just not wanting to say that I'm a woman because of all the baggage that comes with that. So, um, yeah, I try really hard not to let that get to me, but I think that was a very bad article. [00:17:00] It was sort of stick with me for the rest of my life. Yeah. Um, and how would you explain it to people? How would I I don't know. Because I can't even explain it to myself sometimes. Um, I don't know. It's just some days I wake up and I'm like, I definitely want to wear a dress today. Um, but I wish that I didn't have boos and that, um I had no hair today, but, I mean, we [00:17:30] can be be completely inappropriate for me in my job to shave all my hair off right now. Um, and some days I wake up and I want the same thing, but I want to make sure that I'm wearing, like, a pant suit or something. I don't own a pantsuit. But, gosh, that would be so good. Um, so it's It's kind of just I don't feel right sometimes in my body, Um, and I've had partners in the past who haven't really respected that. And it's been really shitty that someone who you think, [00:18:00] um, because they're queer and they're more likely to know these sorts of things and they don't sort of respect that. And they just sort of read you as this no matter how many times you say And, um so I think that's the worst part is when it's it's partners and people you're intimately involved with and things like that, Um, that's real stink. Would you like to talk about makeup and definitely I want to talk about makeup. Um, I have also been thinking a lot about makeup for fem people [00:18:30] because I know some, um, trans dudes who are super fem and wear makeup, Um, and like nail polish and things. And, um, I've been thinking a lot about that, um because I guess there's someone who, um I mean, I'm not a trans guy, but I like gender non conforming, even though it looks like I conform to a gender. Um, And how? Wearing makeup like, I can be the most fem little princes ever. Like I can have a full face of makeup. Um, [00:19:00] and I really like the idea of, um, like, fem guys being able to wear makeup as well. Um, and having amazing red lipstick. And I have a friend and he was the best red lipstick ever. Um, but I think that he is often, um, read as being AC. AC like woman or girl. I guess. Um, and I just like that must be really hard for him. Um, and I guess [00:19:30] I have a lot of thoughts about that, but I guess I can't actually get them out. So maybe I don't want to talk about that. Maybe that's something I need to think more about, Um how are clothes and makeup important to you and the way you express um, yourself and your clothes used to be really, really important to me and makeup. I was looking at pictures of me from two years ago. Um and I would wear like, a dog collar every day and just like ridiculously crazy outfits and [00:20:00] especially when I was going to uni and things I could wear a lot more, um, kind of ridiculous outfits. And I think a lot of it was that I wanted people to notice me still, but I also didn't want people to notice me. Um, and close. Yeah. I've gotten a lot fatter over the past couple of months, and I no longer fit a lot of my clothes, and I'm finding it really difficult, um, to have clothes that fit me and to be able [00:20:30] to buy clothes. Um, And so clothes have become a really important part of my life right now just because I'm constantly thinking about them and wondering where I'm going to buy them from and if I'm just going to continue to get fatter, Um, but they're super important in makeup. Um, as a trained makeup artist, makeup is super important to me as well. Um, I wish that I was able to wear makeup every day, but I don't have the time to do that. Um, but sometimes my favourite [00:21:00] thing to do when I'm feeling super duty is to just put on a full face of makeup, and it's almost like I'm and I've just become this other person and it's great. And I like being able to change my clothes to show different parts of how I'm different ways that I'm feeling different gender identities, all that kind of stuff. Um, it's very important to me. How do you feel with those All those different identities that you talked about? Um, [00:21:30] I mean, obviously, um, I guess lots of them are kind of about being a minority within the I guess. Rainbow community, Um and what are some ways that you kind of see or feel or experience that happening? I think because of the people I surround myself with, surround myself with Yes, Yes, that's the word. Um, at the moment, I'm really into. If someone doesn't respect me or respect my politics or has just awful opinions, I'm really into removing [00:22:00] them from my life because I don't have time for that shit anymore. Um, and so, um, I feel at the moment the people I surround myself with, I actually feel really comfortable with how I look and how I present, um, being fat. And them it's things like online dating and things like that. I've just had horrible experiences with online dating, um, and just, Yeah, I think I think my online profile possibly makes it seem like [00:22:30] I'm maybe, like, a lot more butch or something than I am and probably skinnier because I've gotten a lot fatter. But, um, just people seem to meet up in real life, and it's just it's it's not what they expect. I don't think, um and so I think that's the hardest part. Is like people who I don't know who people who I've sort of had online relationships with, and then we've met up in real life, and it's kind of like, Oh, that person doesn't really look like how I thought they would, um, But my people who [00:23:00] I surround myself with in the Rainbow community at the moment is generally really good. Um, there are obviously people who are not so great. Um, I went to Big Gay out last year. Um, I recall having a few words spoken to me. Um, I find just gay men particularly, um, particularly wonderful at being able to. Their vocabulary is very colourful. Some of the things that they say Um yeah, [00:23:30] I think a lot of that, though, is that they have a lot of issues that they have to deal with to conform. Um, a lot of eating disorders and that in the community. And so they just project that onto other people, which is a bit crap. But, um, in general, I actually, I feel a lot. I feel quite OK with where I am. Hm. What advice would you give to her? A younger. You experience a tiny V? Yeah. [00:24:00] Um, I don't know. Or another person kind of experiencing some of the things that you've experienced. I think the main thing that I wish that I'd kind of realised sooner was that you need to just get rid of the shit people in your life. Um, and maybe you can go back to them when I've read a few books or learned a few things. But you don't want people in your life who are telling you that you're not worth it. Um, because [00:24:30] no matter what it's about, um, whether it's to do with being queer or whether it's to do with your being fat or whatever, like it's just it's not OK, I would. That's my biggest kind of regret. Is just remaining friends for so long with people who constantly put me down. But I like to think that now I'm much better than them. Um, definitely 100% a babe, Um, and their ugly personalities make them [00:25:00] an ugly person. These are my opinions. What are some of the biggest challenges that you experience? Um, being part of this community or or maybe issues that you see facing the wider community that you like, changed? I feel like I don't have that many issues at the moment. I think trans issues are really, really important. [00:25:30] Um, and also, um, youth issues. But I think people people sort of see the rainbow community as being white people. And it's not It's just it's so not We need to care more about Trans Woman, especially trans women of colour especially, um, like the things that happened at pride recently, Um, with and the other people involved, Um, and I'm friends with trans women [00:26:00] who have no money because they can't get jobs and all sorts of shit that happens to them. That doesn't happen to this woman. And, you know, I know, um, they identify like as brown trans people and, you know, they're homeless and stuff like that, and it's awful. We need to absolutely care more about that. Um, it's not just white people. Yeah, um, can you tell me a little [00:26:30] bit more about what happened to pride and what your feelings are about? Later, Um, so at pride, Um, there were three people who decided that they wanted to protest. Um, a peaceful protest is my understanding and the inclusion of police officers and corrections staff being involved in the Pride parade. Um, traditionally, pride parades have been, um, protests. Um, that pride has slowly become more sort of corporation and people giving money, which [00:27:00] I guess like, I understand that I mean pink washing to get money from corporations. But also, I just have a lot of feelings about that anyway, so they, um, protested and, um, they went over the barrier, and, um, there were two white presenting people. And then there was, um, who was a, um, Maori Trans woman. And the security guards went for her and not for the other white people. Um, and in the process broke her arm. [00:27:30] Um, and there's just been a literal shit storm of things that people have said and done, and not done. And, um, my understanding is that the leader of GABA or someone really high up in, which is the gay business? Do you know what it stands for? The gay Auckland business as gay Auckland Business Association. Um, grab someone's phone who was recording the arrest because Amy was arrested [00:28:00] and hurled it, um, accidentally, obviously in court because they've seen the foot, and it was it was not accidental and broke the phone. Um, so there are people in high places who just don't give a shit. Um, and it's disgusting, and I'm super appalled. And the fact that people were saying that, um, you need to not protest you need to actually be involved in the parade. And then I had other friends who were involved [00:28:30] in the parade and doing a silent protest in the parade, walking through it, and people were hurling abuse at them for not being cheery and glittery and, you know, completely colourful. Um, so my feelings are that pride is a bit shit, to be honest. Yeah. What's your favourite thing about being a young queer person [00:29:00] in New Zealand? Um, I think my favourite thing is probably the people I've met, Um, the journey I've been through, which has been awful. It's been just I mean, it's a wonder I'm still alive, to be honest, Um, but I don't know if it's necessarily like I've It was all for the the, you know, It was all for the great cause. And now I'm It's an amazing person, I don't know, like whether my life will still be great in another few [00:29:30] years time, Who knows? But, um, right now I think just the people I've kind of met through all of the things and, um, little queer families that we all belong in the little community. It was all very cute. And basically, yeah, the people who I have in my in my life right now are all amazing. And I think that's definitely the best part about it. Is having people that I can talk to if I need to, um, people who feel like they [00:30:00] can talk to me. We can all just cuddle together eating chips, talking about babes. The other is definitely the best. Yeah.
This page features computer generated text of the source audio. It may contain errors or omissions, so always listen back to the original media to confirm content.
Tags