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OK, so I'm Rachel and I identify as asexuals. Um, and I don't really have a romantic, um, orientation at the moment. I'm just not sure. Cool. And you, um I'm Stacey. I identify as asexuals, and I kind of don't care about the romance thing. Um, what does asexuals mean to you? It means to me that I don't have any sexual attraction to anyone, regardless of gender or how [00:00:30] they identify themselves as, um, sometimes I will feel like an aesthetic attraction to them. Like, this person is really hot, But I won't ever feel a need for sex. And I don't think I ever have. I don't think you could have described it, to be honest. Um, and you talked before about romantic attraction. Do you think that that is closely tied to sexual attraction? No, not [00:01:00] necessarily. No. Intimate and erotic are two totally different things they can be, but they can also be quite close as well. To me, romance is intimate and sex is erotic. But sex can also be intimate, you know. Do you think that you would even be interested in romance? Maybe it would depend on the person. Um, I'd need to have a very strong friendship with them before I consider it a romance. So, yeah, would that, um, fall [00:01:30] under the head of Demi Romantic or Yeah, maybe. Can you guys to find Demi. Romantic, please. Um Well, Demi is basically if you need to have a strong relationship with them as in friendship, before you consider going any further, So does that apply to romance? And some people at six. I probably wouldn't I I don't know. It would really depend on the person. [00:02:00] Um, yeah. How has, um, how have people reacted to you coming out as asexuals? Um, my my mom kind of She doesn't believe that I'm asexuals. She just thinks that I put a label on myself because everyone else is, um and that hurt a little, I guess. But, you know, that's what she thinks. Um, I haven't [00:02:30] told my dad yet. Um, but you know, everyone else I've told taken it really well, So he gave me Have those been people primarily within queer communities or more general mainstream, Um, primarily from the queer community. Um, yeah, yeah. Um, I haven't strictly come out. I have told my friends that I'm sexual but I haven't used that term with my parents. I've [00:03:00] said I'm not interested in sex and my mom doesn't understand that. But I think that's just more because she likes sex. So she thinks everyone else should, too. I don't really talk about that with my dad. That would just be awkward. Do you think there's a difference between being not interested in sex and being asexuals? Um, yeah, they can be. I think, like I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone I don't like. Look at I If I see someone who's attractive, I won't [00:03:30] think I could have sex with them. Some people could go. I will have sex, but I don't want to. I'm not interested in it. I don't feel that at all. So that yeah, that's a lot of Yeah. Do you think, um, coming out as asexuals to people who are in more mainstream rather than in queer communities would be easier than, say, coming out as another type of, um, sexuality? Um, I think it would be easier to explain [00:04:00] to people because the definition, um of asexuals, like, not interested in sex, whereas I think that you kind of have to go more in depth with other things. See, I, I disagree with that. I've had so much trouble explaining to mainstream people that aren't as and that means I'm not interested in sex. [00:04:30] I don't feel sexual attraction because people here are asexuals and they think, Oh, you're just you don't want to have sex. And then the next question I always get is what if you meet someone who wants to have sex with you and I say no II, I don't feel sexual attraction, so I wouldn't want to have sex with them. They have to understand that. But people just keep pressing like the idea that if you meet someone who want and you really like them possibly love them. But they want [00:05:00] to have a sexual relationship with with you, would you do it for them? And I always say, No. But no one seems to understand that. So yeah, it's it's hard. Do you know how many other people who identify as asexuals I've met a couple of people? Um, Stacey is probably the only one I know closely. What about you? Ray is the only one I know. Yeah, um what about online? I've seen quite a few of the people who I follow on Tumblr are asexuals Tumblr. [00:05:30] Tumbler's a blogging website. Um, so, yeah, it's got pictures and people talk about things and there's a quite a strong, um, queer community on there, and it's it's interesting to see other other asexuals stories and how they match up. And it's nice to know that there are other people out there who who feel the same way with me. Um, So what sort of age did you start thinking about asexuality? Um, about maybe three years ago. So about 15, [00:06:00] Um, I never felt attraction to anyone, but I didn't know what the label was. Um, I figured I was probably straight for a long time. And then after a while I thought maybe I was buying because girls are hot, too. Then I was like, I don't know. I got no clue. Everyone's hot. Um, but I don't want to have sex with them. And it was only a couple of years ago, Um, the last couple of years that I actually heard the term asexuals and I had to do some research and [00:06:30] figure out what that was and that worked was it something that when you have the time and did the research, it sort of clicked automatically. Yeah, definitely. It was all like, 00, OK, that is actually an option. You don't have to feel attracted to people. That's that's awesome. Yeah. Was it difficult for you, Uh, both of you realising that you were as do you think? Very. Especially when in our age group girls [00:07:00] were going out, they were experimenting, People were coming out, they were having sex and I just couldn't do it. It wasn't interesting. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. And yeah, that made me feel slightly different or wrong, but yeah, I. I used to think there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I didn't want to have sex. I just wasn't interested, I guess, [00:07:30] um And then when I realised that asexuality was a thing and it was possible and it was ok to not want to do everything that everyone else is doing and II I guess I not explain this very well. Um but it it it helped. It was it was nice knowing that there was a thing I could attribute to myself. [00:08:00] Do you feel like there is a space for you as asexuals within the queer community? Sometimes, um, most of the people I've met in the queer community are OK with it. They're really cool. But then you do get people who are a bit like, Well, it's not a real sexuality. It's it is a lack of Yeah, it's you sort of feel invisible, because when they talk of the queer community, people think gay, lesbian, bi trans. [00:08:30] And I'm not part of that. I'm just always been a girl. Always will be. But I don't feel attraction to anyone. And technically, that makes me queer. But a lot of the time, I don't feel like I'm part of the queer community because of that. Yeah. Yeah. Do you feel like, um, because the queer community is one [00:09:00] which is historically very focused on, um, sexual freedom and and liberation of, um, ideas, sexual ideas, You know, that might necessarily be normal to society. It is very sex focused. Does that ever make you feel uncomfortable? Yes. Yes. Because I, I don't the thing I'm I'm not a sexual being, I don't do that. And so, [00:09:30] like, yes, other people do, and I'm cool with that. But I'd like to be represented, too, as someone who doesn't need that. Yeah, like I'm happy to, you know, support them in whatever they want to do. But there's not really a way that we can be. I've just forgotten the word. Um, it's like if we are, um, represented. That's the word. There's not really a way we can be represented in the queer community because [00:10:00] it's it is very sex freedom focused. And but part of our sexual freedom is that we don't want sex. Kind of, you know, we need we need that to be acknowledged that the fact that we're allowed not to feel sexual attraction based on what can the community do to create a safer space for AEX identified people? Um, maybe you don't [00:10:30] Don't ask the question, you know, But what if you meet someone you just haven't met the right person. Please. That's irritating. Sorry. Yeah. Um, it's just respecting the fact that while other people do have sex, we don't and we don't really need to hear. And and a lot of the time there is a lot of Well, maybe you just haven't made up your mind yet. Maybe you haven't met the right person? No, we're usually quite clear about it. And [00:11:00] and just respecting that that, you know, we've made our decision. Do you ever find that at, um, queer events and spaces like say, um, out in the square? They have, uh, lots of condoms and they have lots of lube. And then and they make a big deal about, um, making sex easy to talk about. And it's a bit awkward for us. It's like, Well, that doesn't tie to us. So [00:11:30] maybe we could have some things that talk about other things as well. I mean, it's nice that they're trying to make sex a normal thing to talk about. That's good. That's very good. Yeah, it's healthy. But there is such a thing as going too far and being too over the top about it, which I think we might slowly be getting that way sometimes, because they're trying to push the issue issue so much, I just If they're going to do that and push it, which is cool, [00:12:00] they've got to be able to also have represent representation for those who aren't part of it. How, um, could we What could we do to have that representation in our queer spaces? Ask a question. I don't know. Um, that just the idea of asexuality and grey sexuality needs to be pushed more. It needs to be advertised more. Can you define that term, grey? Sexuality. Um, so people who haven't quite decided, [00:12:30] maybe like asexuality is a very definite no sexual attraction. Um, while grey sexuality is maybe sometimes but not often generally leaning towards less rather than more Is, um, that term the same as grey asexuality? Yeah. They're used around the same same sort of subjects. Usually, Yeah. Um, do you think that [00:13:00] betrayal of as people in media is also important? Yes. Definitely. People need to realise that it's normal. Can you name an as person in a popular media? The only one I would know would is not act to actively said to be asexuals, but it's a pretty good representation of an asexuals relationship which is need and Chuck and pushing daisies, which is an older, older TV show. Yeah. What about you, Stacey? [00:13:30] I wouldn't be able to name anyone. How do you think that, um, as effectual people are portrayed in media like it broken? If they are, they'd be broken people, people who maybe have had some sort of sexual attack that have left them unable to have sex. It's It's Yeah, it's They're usually awkward, maybe outcasts. It's never a good [00:14:00] thing to not have sex underdeveloped mentally or something. Do you think it's important to have positive portrayal? Yes, definitely. Do you think that is because there are people who are growing up and us included, who see media, which has a lot to do with sex. And then there's nothing about existing without a sex drive about not feeling attraction to people that way. And if [00:14:30] there is, it's always negative. And that's really bad for your self esteem. When you're realising that maybe you don't feel sexual attraction, Um, so the idea that you you need someone like a role model and even if it's just a fictional character, a role model that's a positive asexuals character would be awesome. How do you think your experience of realising you are asexuals would have been different had there been representation in the media [00:15:00] of positive asexuals people. Well, because, like I said earlier, you know, I thought there was something wrong with me. Um, so if there had been a positive role model, I probably wouldn't have felt that because it would have been like, this is something that can actually happen but not have been more comfortable with it a lot sooner. And also that people would be a bit more comfortable with the fact that that's my sexuality. Um, like I wouldn't maybe wouldn't get as much questions about Well, what if I find [00:15:30] the right person all of the sort of really uncomfortable questions you get? Because it would be something that's accepted, or at least something that's known more broadly? And you might not get those those jokes about, you know, being a plant and stuff. I've had a couple of those, um, because the plants produce asexuality. So it's Yeah, yeah, um, someone might argue that, uh, there are lots of characters in the media whose sexualities [00:16:00] aren't discussed, and people that they may or may not have sex with aren't mentioned, and so that is representation. How would you respond to that? That's more not bringing it up. That's that's see, that's not even people. People tend to assume that until said otherwise, the character is straight. So if you're going to have a gay character in a TV show, they will say it. But if you're going [00:16:30] to have an asexuals character, they won't. They'll just not mention it at all. And that's not representation that's skating over the issue and ignoring it. So we need characters that are said to be asexuals. They identify as as sexual. And that's Canon and that canon canon it's in the show. It's been or book or whatever it's been put in there. And it's been It's obvious it's proven by the [00:17:00] awful creator to be true to the story. Um, yeah, and we need characters like that that are asexuals and in an ideal world, what would the process of realising you're asexuals and coming out be like or be different to how it was for you? Um, people wouldn't feel pressured to have sex. Um, there's there's a lot of pressure towards having relationships, especially early on, um, when you're a teenager there, there's a lot of [00:17:30] encouragement to experiment, to go out, get a boyfriend, get a girlfriend, and those ages are just getting younger and younger every year, you know? Yeah. And so there needs to be also the sort of realisation that you don't have to do that, and that's OK, That's fine. Um, which isn't really there at the moment. What can we do to try and make the world more like that ideal world you just described? Put it in. [00:18:00] I want to say Put it in the media. But don't hide it from the world. Kind of like make it obvious that it's OK, but it's not a big deal. How can we do that? Um, there needs to be more representation. There needs to be. Schools need to be teaching about sexualities. And it can't just be the main like gay by straight. It has to be all the minorities, and that includes asexuality. How was your experience in school being taught about sexuality? We [00:18:30] didn't do it. We didn't learn about a sexuality. As in our orientation, we learned about sex. We learned about sex. Sort of. We learned about learned about, um, straight. Yeah, we learn about straight. We learned about, you know, the we hardly touched on female genitalia, so it would be nice to bring that in properly. Um, you know, we weren't told about the female orgasm. Um, am I right in saying that you went [00:19:00] to a girls school? Yeah, Yeah, we went to an all girls school. Um, and, you know, we were taught all about how the guys did everything taught how to put a condom on a Penis. Was that a difficult experience for you? Yeah, it was awkward. It was I. I didn't want to be doing that. And it was, Well, the whole class made it into a joke, of course, but, yeah, year nine girls, You would expect it. But [00:19:30] it was all like, Well, I don't feel comfortable doing this. Um, it was one of those realisations that maybe I'm not straight. Yeah, we didn't do at all. Um, we didn't learn about these men or gays or bisexuality or Trans. We didn't learn about any of those. So if they're not being represented, then there's no chance at all of the smaller minorities like asexuality [00:20:00] being represented. Even if it wasn't mentioned in health, I mean, they could start bringing it in and psychology? Maybe, if I do do psychology. Um, yeah. I. I did half a year of it. It's more than me. I did a week. Um, but it, you know, even if they start bringing in the, you know, maybe it's a choice thing, you know, talking about hormones in the brain or something and how it could [00:20:30] possibly affect your sexuality. Um, and bring it in that way and then move it across, because then they you know, then it's at least in there, and some people are learning about it. Yeah, so? Well, it it took the internet and self research for me to find out about the queer community at all. Um, so it it does need to be represented, Represented, represented. Sorry. Then, um, then [00:21:00] it is. And it needs to be all of the minorities you talked about, Um, the internet as a helpful resource for you realising that you're as do you think that's true for, um, other as people as well? Well, I think it's some. I think it's some place that's got a lot of easily accessible information. Um, you know, it's a place where you can type in asexuality and everything will come up Wikipedia is your friend [00:21:30] Wikipedia is. Have you ever edited the Wikipedia article on asexuality? I haven't. But I have gone through it, though. Really? OK? Yeah. No, I tried to edit a different page and they shut me down. So yeah, that's this pretty good Wikipedia page. What other resources did you find helpful? Um, just forums and blogs that had people talking about their experiences. Actually, I remember reading an article once [00:22:00] That was on an online newspaper that had an asexuals woman and a gay man in a relationship. And it was they were just a romantic couple, but neither of them were attracted to each other. And that was another one of those real moments where I just realised that's actually possible. Uh, you can have a romantic relationship with someone without being sexually attracted to them, reading out a significant moment. Definitely. Definitely. [00:22:30] Resources for me were pretty much the Internet and my friends, because quite a few of them realised their sexuality before I did. So I was able to ask some questions. I don't think half of them realised that's what I was doing. But you know, II, I think the most switched on ones realised what I was doing and helped how they could. So yeah, and had a lot of queer friends. Uh, yeah, um, more as we got into college [00:23:00] because, you know, they they were getting into their teen years and realising all this stuff, Um and, you know, being there as they realised and then either told me or I just found out they were dating someone that wasn't wasn't a guy. That there wasn't a guy because, you know, we went to an all girls school, so it was just like, Oh, OK, that that's OK. Whatever. Cool. Good. On you're happy. Um, and with [00:23:30] someone who I'm not going to say the name of, um they went through a realisation that they were, uh, Trans. And so being there for that journey with them and helping them research some things was was quite helpful in realising that you don't have to be straight, you know? Uh, yeah, that makes sense. My aunt is gay, so I always had that sort of figure that she was there, but she doesn't have a partner. So it took me a while to actually realise I think it was some quip [00:24:00] that my mother made about me turning into a lesbian. Um, vegetarian, like my aunt was like, Oh, really? Whatever. How do you think? Um, the process of coming out and realising would have been different Had you not had that queer influence in your formative, I probably would still have no idea. To be honest, I'd probably be trying to force myself into some sort of mould. Do you think that would be unhealthy? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. [00:24:30] Like I went through a relationship last year because I thought I had to, um and, you know, we got to I think the six month mark and you wanted to have sex, and I just wasn't interested. I just didn't want to, um and he thought that maybe I just wasn't ready, which was probably true at the time. And now it's like I just don't want to. That's not a drive. I feel it's not a need that I need to look into. Have you ever tried [00:25:00] to force yourself into a mould like that? No. I figured out quite quickly that I didn't want to date. Um, I didn't at that point realise that I wasn't sexually attracted to people. I just figured I didn't want to be in a relationship, so I held myself off from that. Um and I'm quite proud I did, but yeah. II. I look at people sometimes, and I'm like, maybe I should be doing that. Maybe I should be in a relationship. And then I'm like, [00:25:30] Do you think that, um, many as people do what you did state and try to force themselves to fit that mould? Yeah, because you know it is mainstream, and people these days want to be mainstream. They don't want to be the the person going in the opposite direction. Um, and so, you know, they they try to force themselves to do things that they don't want to do to fit in. And a lot of it's got a lot of pressure from [00:26:00] people around you as well, Like constant questions. Do you have a boyfriend yet or constantly talking about their sexual conquests and stuff? So you're just kind of like this is so uncomfortable. But my friends, I can't just leave And do you wish that there was a way, um, an easy way to tell someone that you are uncomfortable with a certain topic or Yeah, yeah. Um, do you find your friends, uh, particularly accepting of that Because you hang [00:26:30] out with other people? Yes. Definitely. Because they understand that. Well, I'm I am occasionally aesthetically attracted to someone I can recognise that someone's hot and yeah, that's cool. I won't feel sexual attraction to them. So when they're talking about things like that, I can sort of carry along with the fact that, yes, people are hot. I like hot people. That's about it. That's as far as I can go. Yeah, yeah. [00:27:00] Um, both of you are artists to an extent. Is that right? I am not really. I just really good for drawing because Ray is. And she likes to draw me. For some reason, she has a nice nose. Thanks, too. Um, do you find that having that perspective of being asexuals itself in your art? Um, there's a lot of pressure, especially when you're drawing cartoons. Is that people want you to [00:27:30] make the thing sexualized. There's there's an idea. Yeah, there's an idea for the male gaze or the female gaze, and I can't do that. I'm We're not the other way around. When when I draw, I don't generally draw for people I draw for me. So it's not going to be based on their sex. It's gonna be based on pretty things like he and clothes. Um, if you could [00:28:00] say something to all of, um, mainstream society regarding asexuals people, what would that be? We exist, we exist, and you need to know it. Um, don't make fun of us for not feeling sexual attraction. Um, it is our choice. It is what we are. And you can't change it no matter what. You can't change it. No matter how many questions you ask, no matter how many people you shove in our face, [00:28:30] Yeah, Not going to change. Understand this, please. Yeah, no. No matter how many like, oh, we'll get over it or you're just not ready yet. It's who we are, and that needs to be accepted. Um, another thing with asexuality is, you know, the the whole virginity thing. Because since we don't have sex, we're still virgin social construct. Um and you know, so people are always surprised when [00:29:00] they realise that I've got to 18 and never had sex, because people are losing it. So young, and it's it's OK to even if you're not as to wait until you're sure you want to have sex. You know, don't just go into it because you feel you have to and everyone else is. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. So, yeah, I'm supportive of everyone. Um, what would you say to parents of people whose Children are going through that realisation and coming [00:29:30] out process support us? You know, we we're no different. We're still your kids. Um, it doesn't change who we are. All it changes is you might not be getting grandchildren any day soon. Do you think that's something that a lot of, uh, parents of teenagers are? Um, probably not. Um, there is still kind of the subconscious thing of passing the genes on, so I think that's possibly driving a little bit of the [00:30:00] lack of support, you know, because if I can't get grandkids from you, then I don't, you know, blah, blah, blah, and it's Yeah, it's not healthy. Yeah, um, I'll just say, but it's it's not unnatural or anything. Um, we need the support. Because if our parents say that this is not who you should be, it sticks a lot better. A lot harder [00:30:30] than if it was just anyone. Anyone else? A random stranger. So we need our parents saying it's OK to be asexuals. Um, you said before your message to more mainstream people, would that be different? That message talking to the generalised queer community? Um, no, No, probably not. We we need to be represent, represented, represented that word because I think we are such [00:31:00] a minority inside the queer community. I'm not sure how large the AEX community is inside it, but it feels tiny. It feels absolutely nonexistent. Yeah. Um, yeah, we feel invisible is the thing is that do you think having asexuals within the queer community would help? It would help. It would be really good to be able to meet other people that are as, um to know that we're not alone. Um, yeah, yeah, representation. [00:31:30] And just generally feeling accepted by the other people in the queer community because you know it, it takes a lot to come out and and they understand that. So it would just be nice to get that same understanding from them. And when we come out, we don't want to be questioned it like no one wants to be questioned. But for asexuals, it seems to happen more often than not, [00:32:00] is it? Are you sure? Yeah. Maybe you're not ready yet. Maybe you haven't chosen. And that's really upsetting. What can we as queer people do to help make the path for coming out by as people easier support us be accepting? Yeah, that's that's all I can think of. Just support so much support and so much representation. And finally, if you could say anything to young people or or not necessarily [00:32:30] young people who are going through the process of realising and coming out as asexuals, what would that be? You are not alone. There are other people who are like you. There are other people who feel like you, and you can find them if you try. Um, coming out to your friends is always the hardest thing. Um, but do it when you're ready. Do it when you feel comfortable. Um, don't start off with a big group. Just come out to [00:33:00] one person. Um and hopefully they accept you for who you are, and that'll make it easier. They might surprise you.
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